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Tricky Situation

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  • Tricky Situation

    Fast run down of my relationship history. Married, had two kids, caught him many times talking dirty to other women and multiple times trying to have sex with women. After five years of lies, and other women I called it quits and we got divorced. Finalized a few months ago. Been a stay at home mom for over 4 yrs so I've never had a job. Had money saved up to move back to my home state, but that all disappeared when we had to move due to divorce and we couldnt afford rent so my savings is now GONE. I finally got accepted a job and I start next week so I'm getting a job. I live with him in an apt with our kids because 1) he didnt want to be away from his kids which is bs he doesnt interact with them like a father should 2) my money is gone (which is why ive been looking for a job and finally got hired. yay!).

    Anyways I've always been friends with my exes. My exhusband has something against just ONE of my exes. We've always talked even after we broke up. I've now been friends with him for 7 years. Only known my exhusband for 5 yrs. We always strictly stayed friends. We would go month without talking at times but when we talked, it was like we never stopped talking. Now that I am divorced I'm starting to open up to my feelings for my exboyfriend. He has feelings for me, and how he puts it is that he was never able to get over me, which caused many of his relationships to fail. He was always my go-to guy for advice from a mans point of view. He was never saying 'leave him and date me'. He is against divorce but as the issues with my exhusband got more intense he was having a hard time trying to defend his side or make it seem like what I was believing my Xhusband was doing, wasnt what he was doing.
    Example - Xhusband was telling my friend that he could be her prince charming if she let him. Instantly met up with my Xbf bc I was shaken by hearing about this from my friend. My Xbf said maybe he was just playing around and im taking it too serious.
    Stuff like that. But then after a while he started to give in a realize... i was right about it all haha.
    So now we are both single and still living together. I still talk to my Xbf. He's my best friend - guy wise. Hes who I go to when I'm bored and want to chat with someone.

    My Xhusband is now threatening that when we get back home he is going to "bash his face in to the ground" and stuff. All because hes talking to me and sends me 'lovey texts'. While I was married i told him he cant send me anything like that because I was married. Even though we were going through a divorce I wasnt going to have him saying any of that sort of business to me since I was with someone. I dont care if I was going through a divorce, I still find it wrong to do that until its finalized. So a month after the divorce was finalized he started sending me texts saying that he hopes I will date him again some time in the future. My Xhusband went through my phone and saw them and blew up.

    My Xhusband even reactivated his facebook and sent my Xbf a hate mail saying he will hurt him AND his family. I call bluff because he cant possibly be this stupid -.-

    Thing is I NEVER bring up my Xbf, its always my Xhusband who brings him up. and idk why because it always ****es him off and he blows up.

    Idk how to handle this because he's now threatening my Xbf and said he would hurt his family too. And any time my Xbf comes up my Xhusband starts interrogating me. "I bet you talk to him as soon as I leave the house for work" "you would date him again wouldnt you" "when was the last time you talked?" "let me see your phone".

    How do I deal with this?

    We have two kiddos and I worry about them because when we move back to our home state we will split them every other week. I'm worried that when he has the kids he's going to try to catch me hanging out with my Xbf and endanger the kids. I could just be thinking crazy because my kids are my life, and as a mother I always think of the WORST thing that could happen. He talks about buying a gun when he gets back home. I'm worried for my kids because what if he buys a gun and gets stupid and tries to kill someone out of anger? I know that is just a crazy thought but I always always always worry.

    I plan on not telling him where I live when we move back and just swap the kids out in public. That way he wont try to swing by my place and try to catch me with my Xbf.

    How do I handle this?! I dont want to tell my Xbf that I can no longer talk to him because that would absolutely SUCK. and I'm stuck with my Xhusband bc we have kids together. I wish I could just take full custody and just take child support and leave my Xhusband out of this because I dont believe any good is going to come from this. We arent even back home and he's already threatening my Xbf. How do I deal with that! He doesnt know that I know he threatened him.

  • That is quite a tough situation. Why not talk seriously to your xhusband that he has nothing to do with whom you are dating anymore since you have been divorced. This is so unfair on your part. if he won't listen, why not go to proper authorities regarding how he is threatening you.


    • First, as long as you are still living with your ex, it is provocative to engage in any romantic relationship. Clearly he is invading your privacy by going through your phone, but given his lack of respect for boundaries (cheating while married), you are going to have to be careful while still living with him.

      Second, your kids really don't need the drama of your love life given all the changes they are going be dealing with (divorce, move, etc.). So if you can put it off until you are no longer living with your husband and settled in the new home, they would be better off.

      In the meantime, if your husband is behaving as badly as you say, try to document everything you can. Get screenshots of his threats, note his outbursts (record if possible), call for the police when appropriate (and get the reports), etc. This will come in handy for the judge as he makes custody decisions.


      • To me this is just screaming warning signs. The thing is you aren't even dating anybody yet. Its just a possible suitor but if he is really saying the things you mention, that is a clear indication of dangerous behavior. Please document this behavior and try to use it to gain full custody of your kids. I am a mother too and I would not feel comfortable leaving my kids with a man that is threatening to buy a gun to do harm, regardless of if he is their father.

        Did your Xhusband show any signs of violence during your marriage? If so, then his behavior is just excalate. Tell you Xbf about the situation so he can watch for his own safety as wel.
        Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


        • That way he wont try to swing by my place and try to catch me with my Xbf.
          Given that comment, I take a different approach to my reply.

          It sounds to me that like alot of women that go through Divorce, they want excitement, not necessarily another relationship straight up and as you have accepted your ex-boyfriends flirtatious remarks which no doubt are sexy as well, you are preparing to move, and have your ex come over .

          I think it's natural for a man who is still living with his (ex-wife) to feel a bit of anger, ego... Of an ex who is texting somewhat flirty comments and I am sure, your ex-husband is more than aware being a man, what will come of this as well, as you have clearly outlined in that paragraph.... That's got to hurt his ego....

          The problem occured because you still live with him. And, one of the reasons is finance.

          There are always other options, family, friends, something.

          Congratulations on your job off course in the near future you can stand on your own two feet again but, to not allow him to know where you live because of an x that you intend to come over which I hope the kids don't see as they would not be ready for something like this IDK. As you stated, it's more wind than anything else from your ex-husband through ego.

          Quit texting your ex boyfriend until you are in your own home, with your new life is what I would do...

          Rattling cages off course has effect.....



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