[taj]

Hello I just found this forum, and I am glad I did...
I am in my mid 30's and been having an affair with my sister's husband.(She knows about it)
This relationship goes back a long ways. Basically, keeping it short,
when I was in India, I dated my sisters husband for 3 years, and I thought he was
the one, and he was the one who I lost my virginity to. In our culture we wait till marriage
till having sex, but I was sure I'd marry him. We probably had sex 10-15 times, and it was the best.
I chickened out in marrying him,(Big regret) because he was living In U.S. and at that time I did not want to move there.
1 year later a friend set him up with my older sister, they dated, my sister did not chicken out, married him, moved to U.S. She was fine with the fact that I had a relationship with him.
2 years later, I got married via arranged marriage, moved to america.
Later I found out my husband-soon to be ex, is just an ******, verbally abusive.. Cold, not caring. He knew I had a previous relationship, but did not know with who. Didn't ask, didn't tell...
Since my relationship was tanking, I kept visiting my sister. One night, my sister had an idea of lets have a 3 way. I was not keen on the idea, her husband was against it, but after an hour, it happened. It happened a few more times. This led to my affair with my brother in law... He did not make any moves towards me and in fact resisted my attempts many times... Finally he gave in, and a few weeks later my sister caught us at home. She actually just watched??? She said it was a turn on and was not even mad, she assumed that we started immediately after the 3 way. She has done this a few times? Why do you think she is doing this?
Now, I am very confused... So my questions are:
1) How come I can only get a orgasm with him? I have never had one with my husband?? But in 5 years of marriage, I have only had sex with him maybe 10 times.
2) I am confused about my sisters behavior.
3) I find my self wanting more and more sex with him, almost daily. Is this normal for someone my age?
4) As for the relationship, I'm divorcing my husband. Do I tell him about the affair? I can't see what that would accomplish..
5) Also, is it possible that I can't let go of him because he was my first love? In all honesty, I love and care about him very much. I know he cares about me, and did love me very much at one point.. I don't really know if he still loves me... He is very caring, passionate, etc...
Please help me! I don't really have anyone else to talk to. My family is in India, and I can't discuss this with them.. If I bring this up to my sister, her standard reply "I'm letting you sleep with my husband when ever, yes it turns me on"
I am sorry for the long post.. There are more details I can post later.
Any advice how to move forward??

[kira]

1) How come I can only get a orgasm with him? I have never had one with my husband?? But in 5 years of marriage, I have only had sex with him maybe 10 times.

Probably because he cares and tries to make you feel good while your husband did not.

2) I am confused about my sisters behavior.
Some people are fine with open relationships or perhaps she'd rather be married to someone else too.


3) I find my self wanting more and more sex with him, almost daily. Is this normal for someone my age?

yes, most women actually think of sex quite frequently and reach their peak late 20s to early 30s.


4) As for the relationship, I'm divorcing my husband. Do I tell him about the affair? I can't see what that would accomplish..

There's no need for him to know. He might even become violent if he knew.


5) Also, is it possible that I can't let go of him because he was my first love? In all honesty, I love and care about him very much. I know he cares about me, and did love me very much at one point.. I don't really know if he still loves me... He is very caring, passionate, etc...

It sounds like you just haven't met too many good guys.

[taj]

1) How come I can only get a orgasm with him? I have never had one with my husband?? But in 5 years of marriage, I have only had sex with him maybe 10 times.

Probably because he cares and tries to make you feel good while your husband did not.

2) I am confused about my sisters behavior.
Some people are fine with open relationships or perhaps she'd rather be married to someone else too.


3) I find my self wanting more and more sex with him, almost daily. Is this normal for someone my age?

yes, most women actually think of sex quite frequently and reach their peak late 20s to early 30s.


4) As for the relationship, I'm divorcing my husband. Do I tell him about the affair? I can't see what that would accomplish..

There's no need for him to know. He might even become violent if he knew.


5) Also, is it possible that I can't let go of him because he was my first love? In all honesty, I love and care about him very much. I know he cares about me, and did love me very much at one point.. I don't really know if he still loves me... He is very caring, passionate, etc...

It sounds like you just haven't met too many good guys.

Thanks for the reply.
I kinda wish my sister would like to get a divorce, but that was asked before we decided to try the 3 way. She has stated that she is madly in Love with her husband.. and I can see it in her eyes... She cares about him very much. The only time she was hurt was when she was engaged, her husband decided to tell her that our relationship had been sexual and intimate. He wanted her to know for some reason.. She did take that hard, and was very upset and disappointed in me for having a sexual relationship out of wedlock. It goes against our culture.
I agree, we are not going to tell my husband. He's not violent, but has a borderline violent temper.
As for meeting good guys, I've met a few (3) before this started. Some were nice, but I never was able to develop enough feelings for them, so that the relationship could become anything more than holding hands. Many times this was a turn off to the men. Hell, one of them thought it should become intimate after the 2nd date.
I guess for now, I just have to manage the relationship the way it is.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think your sister feels that her marriage is extremely strong, there is no threat of you and that blood, you are her sister so you would not want this for her either. Though your comment about Divorce suggests that you regret not marrying him yourself.

Perhaps as she knows that you were intimate with him, and she thought that you weren't up until being engaged makes it easy for her as in not bothering her and obviously seeing her husband whom she loves, with her sister who is no threat, is a turn on.

I don't believe she has considered that you may fall in love with him again. Or whether it is enough or whether you will get jealous and want to see him more, which you seem to do, ie) weekends. I don't know if she would be happy as most women wouldn't with it being more equal, as long as the one who holds the cards has more, of the person, it would / should be ok.

I am not sure if it's time for you to trust yourself and go back out there into the world and find your own love.. after you divorce off course. But it might be.

At some point this will end it can not go on forever. Remember, she is your sister, blood. I hope that when it does end, you two remain as you have been throughout your lives.

[taj]

I think your sister feels that her marriage is extremely strong, there is no threat of you and that blood, you are her sister so you would not want this for her either. Though your comment about Divorce suggests that you regret not marrying him yourself.

Perhaps as she knows that you were intimate with him, and she thought that you weren't up until being engaged makes it easy for her as in not bothering her and obviously seeing her husband whom she loves, with her sister who is no threat, is a turn on.

I don't believe she has considered that you may fall in love with him again. Or whether it is enough or whether you will get jealous and want to see him more, which you seem to do, ie) weekends. I don't know if she would be happy as most women wouldn't with it being more equal, as long as the one who holds the cards has more, of the person, it would / should be ok.

I am not sure if it's time for you to trust yourself and go back out there into the world and find your own love.. after you divorce off course. But it might be.

At some point this will end it can not go on forever. Remember, she is your sister, blood. I hope that when it does end, you two remain as you have been throughout your lives.

That's true, their marriage is very strong. I later found out my sister has always wanted to try a 3 way, but never brought it up, till my marriage fell apart. She knew I was not a threat and that I ended the engagement.
As of now, she is pretty fair, and she even realizes that I have an advantage of working from home, thus getting more time with him. She has not asked me to stop that part. I think as long as she gets her husband when she wants, she does not care if I have sex with him daily or multiple times a day... For now, I have to balance it delicately, because if it seems like I'm getting too close with him, or attached, my sister could definitely ask to end it, and I don't want that, yet. To be fair, I am going to try to limit the number of days I see him. Lately, I've been needing sex daily, and sometimes more than once... I am not sure why. I never felt this way with my husband.

[jns]

I like kira's answers. Your marriage to your husband was arranged. He never allowed love to blossom before showing his bad traits. It is little wonder you did not have warm relations with him. Having a comforting relationship helps with reaching sexual climax, IMO.

I think your sister would have more objections if her husband was seeing another woman (not you). This way it keeps it all in the family. It sounds like you all communicate together enough to make it work.

[taj]

I like kira's answers. Your marriage to your husband was arranged. He never allowed love to blossom before showing his bad traits. It is little wonder you did not have warm relations with him. Having a comforting relationship helps with reaching sexual climax, IMO.

I think your sister would have more objections if her husband was seeing another woman (not you). This way it keeps it all in the family. It sounds like you all communicate together enough to make it work.

Yes, my ex-husband was always more interested in IPhone, Ipad, Internet. But before we married, we did date for 9 months, but it was a non-physical relationship. He put on a good show for those 9 months. Even the few times we went on vacation, he was more interested in his iPhone. I put up for 5 years, but what finally convinced me to end it was fear that his temper was slowly approaching the boderline violent level.
I have a good relationship with my sister and we do discuss and talk about this arrangement often.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's great that you two communicate and have a bond, one that as I said, do not destroy, over sex.

I am also pleased that you are pulling away a little because emotions are there.

I lastly feel that as your ex-husband was not sexual or attractive to you sexually, it's natural if you get a "good feeling" with someone to want more.

I suspect when you venture one day to find someone of your own that you want to be with, not arranged, that the exact same feelings will be there. You are in a comfort zone at the moment, don't get too comfortable

You will find what you are after in life, it's out there.

[taj]

It's great that you two communicate and have a bond, one that as I said, do not destroy, over sex.

I am also pleased that you are pulling away a little because emotions are there.

I lastly feel that as your ex-husband was not sexual or attractive to you sexually, it's natural if you get a "good feeling" with someone to want more.

I suspect when you venture one day to find someone of your own that you want to be with, not arranged, that the exact same feelings will be there. You are in a comfort zone at the moment, don't get too comfortable

You will find what you are after in life, it's out there.

What made it weird and in some way comfortable was the strong bond with my sister...
I have told myself I will keep it to 3 days or less with him, but for some reason I am always thinking/wanting sex... I did also have this with my ex-husband, but to him he only wanted it to please himself..
What's weird about my ex husband is, he is/was very attracted to me, but sex was just not on his mind. I am a above average in looks, healthy person, exercise regularly, eat healthy, and not over weight. We went to counseling, and he saw a Dr, as did I. We were both normal, but his counselor could only tell him that he needs to obsess less with Ipad, Iphone, internet... He was obsessed with my looks, because he loved to take pics of me when I was dressed up,(Indian Outfits) and then would show off to his friends and family... I am starting to think he married me only for looks, so he can show his brothers and cousins that his wife is better looking than theirs. As a last ditch effort, I even went to 3 plastic surgeons for breast enhancement, and they all turned me down, saying for my height, weight I should not enlarge anymore, as I am naturally a bit on the larger size. Any enlargement would cause back pain.. Looking back, I can't even believe I did this... This definitely ranks as one of my dumber ideas...
I just hope the divorce goes pain free and quick.. I have accepted the fact it's time to end it. He has not, but mostly because it is frowned upon in our Indian culture..