[rd23]

After being in a verbally abusive marriage, I Have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 1/2 years. So much has transpired and it is hard to be brief, it has been very stormy yet during the good times magnificent,is the only way I can describe it.I know he is manipulating and controlling. I can now point it out in conversations, emails, and texts. He has rage and anger issues, He Is very critical on a regular basis and says the most hurtful things when we fight. Sometimes I feel like he is so cold and detached and other times he seems ok. It seems to pain him to say anything nice or complimentary. It is very rare. Somehow hes got me convinced that so many things are my fault and I am the abusive one. I Have tried to end things at least four times and every time, he comes back begging and professing his love.I feel bad for him and each time I fall for it. This is after he has stalked, harassed, and disrespected me at my job and in other ways when I was trying to stop all contact with him.(it has happened every time I try to break things off) This last time he has really tried and made an effort. I feel so sad for him. He has noone. His kids barely talk to him anymore (hes divorced) he chooses not to speak to his mother or father and he is alone. I know its all probably a result of how he is and I know it is stupidity on my part that I care but I cant seem to break this insane cycle. I have a huge problem with feeling responsible for everyone elses happiness and I think that is why I keep falling back into it. Recently I learned that during one of our brief breakups (3-4 weeks) last year, he dated someone else a few times and had sex with them. He said he couldn't maintain his erection while with this other person and that is how he knew I was the one. Needless to say I was sickened especially since he came and met me after and had sex with me when we were trying to work things out. I also learned he dated another woman another time we were apart 6 months ago, whom he has naked pictures of on his computer that are dated End of Jan 2013 when we were already back together. Of course he initally lied about all of it and reacted with rage that I was snooping on his computer and found these things. Keep in mind when asked if he dated anyone while we were apart he lied and said no. Every single time. I also found naked and erotic pictures of another girl with all different dates during the first year we were together. he swears they are just pictures and nothing happened with her. There are a few other things but I'd be writing forever. After his rage, anger and defensiveness subsided (at least a weeks worth) he begged me to let him help me overcome this since we have been in a really good place the past 6 months. He finally opened up and told me the "truth" as he calls it. Part of me believes him and part of me does not. I guess I want to believe him. This I cant get over so easily and its probably better off. Problem is that I know the more time passes I will forgive as I always do. I dont want to. I know I need to stay away. (the longest seperation was 2 months) What is wrong with me? I have two beautiful kids and they should be all I need. Ive been having a very hard time finding a therapist that takes my insurance and can fit me in in the evening. (I work full time) The one I did go to was useless I felt as if going and venting to a friend. Nothing constructive. Any advice would be useful. Thank you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We follow a pattern because that is what we are used to. We feel that we are not worth any more than that, won't find anyone better as there isn't anyone that would accept us, other than who we are with.

Because, the person we are with puts us down so far that we believe what they are saying. "You'll never find anyone else, no one would put up with you"...

And, one day when that relationship ends for what ever reason, we tend to get ourselves back into the same. Because that is what we are used to.

You see abuse as love initially. He must love me, even though he says this and that, he stays with me.. He doesn't stray. Then when you find naked pictures, "but I mean more to him than those photos do they are only photos".

Yet, the guy who is abusing, emotionally, is doing it deliberately as he knows you are weak. He is controlling the situation so that he has what he wants. Someone he can belittle do what he wants, gets his house cleaned, food on the table, sex. And, can look at porn, sleep around, do what ever.

In my opinion, these "types" of men don't have any respect for women what so ever, more than likely were spoken down to themselves, hated their Mothers. They will never be warm, kind and loving to a woman, they don't know how and don't want to know how, they enjoy the control.. They will just move onto another woman when you have worked it out and had enough.

How do you break the cycle?

It's so hard to tell someone to look in the mirror and see the beauty inside and out but that is what you have to do.

But, something that is even stronger? Your children.

You say they should be enough, (as far as love is concerned) and you should be able to live just with them, in that love. But fear creeps in.. I have children no one will want me, and so you settle.. AND, take the carp..

You are also missing something Major. Those kids can hear, can see, can feel.

Your children don't deserve to grow up feeling in-secure and getting into the same rut.. They don't deserve to hear and see their Mother up-set constantly and feeling be-littled, down and out.

What they do deserve is to be happy, grow in a good environment of love and trust so that they have a good opportunity for their future.

How do you break the cycle?

DO IT FOR THEM.................Then work on yourself.

[Pollon]

He has serious problems that probably stem from childhood. Those won't get better until HE takes them seriously and gets professional help. Don't waste a minute thinking that you can help him until he takes full responsibility AND starts getting treatment.

Your issues are serious as well and, by picking the wrong guy, could get you and your children injured or killed. Try contacting a women's shelter program in your area. They will know the therapists with experience treating women who go for abusive men.

Good luck

[MARS2VENUS]

Hi,

My poor wife has endured many years, and she got involved with my friend which i uncovered Jan 17, 2012. She claims she went to him , whenever, i verbally abused her. I uncovered many flirtatous emails, and brief cell phone call records that were made when i took the kids out skiing.

I love my wife, although, she was not always loved as she deserves.

I decided to go for counselling in Feb 2012, however, i later uncovered that she reconnected with him again on Jan 28, 2012 (she claims i was putting her under too much stress) until mid march 2012.

This time, i decided to approach her as a loving husband, and say i want to fix our marriage, please cut it off. I checked if the email account was closed, and when i approached her a couple of days later, when it was not closed, she was not happy with me.
I then uncovered she had reconnected with this guy a 3rd time.

My counsellor and priest told me only do the right thing by my heart, however, i did not heed their advice since i was panicked by her on-going contact with this false friend. Well, i decided to forward his naked pics sent to my wife, to his wife. My wife was furious at me for chasing him away. She made comments that she is not my property. Ironically, when a headhunter sent me a unsolicited flirtatous email in 2009, my wife stepped in and reported her to her employer. I did not object, since i love my wife and i understood she was threatened.

Now we have been separated since April 2012, and i decided i need to stop allowing things that upset me from doing the right thing. i.e. i need to act mature, and not be abusive, etc, in order
to save my marriage.

At the time, my wife was telling me that i need to be fixed, which is true. however, the wounds resulted in her not always doing the right thing either, so we got into a situation as described in book "Dance of Anger"

Unfortunately, i could not focus on fixing my issues, if my wife is reconnecting with my friend for support, when i know he cheats on his wife, and his emails to my wife have been sexually aggressive.

kinda hard to focus on improvement, with her seeking support from a person being mr nice guy to take advantage of the situation

So, message is it is possible to force a change thru couselling, and if that doesn't work, then separation. Unfortunately, many people do not appreciate the emotional and mental damage they are inflicting on their love one, especially if they grew up (as i did) in a dysfunctional home.


At same time, sometimes women and men do not communicate well. it is better to keep focus on the issues, and don't involve outsiders who may only seek personal gratification and are false friends.

BTW, he contacted my wife in June 2012, and he told her his marriage is hanging together by a thread, and my wife felt bad for him .

I don't have a problem with a male friend being there for support, however, seeking a sexual relationship when they are both married is crossing the line.

At this time, i understand i have to be patient for my wife to trust that i have changed for good - i promised many times before, however, slid into my old ways when i became pre-occupied with work.

Her health is not well recently, since she is pre-menopausal, and she says the stress i've put her through, is causing her to bleed every day for the past year. I got very stressed out when she kept reconnecting, and then i got stressed out due to this separation (we still live in same house). Unfortunately, i would pressure her to reconcile with me since over-reacted due to her reconnecting. On more than one occassion , she admitted having strong feelings for him as a friend, however, on other occassions she admitted that i pushed her into the arms of another man.

How can he be a friend for support , and yet she then says i pushed her into the arms of another man, which implies a lover? if it is a lover, then is it not natural for a spouse to be upset if you continue to reconnect??


I would appreciate any guidance to how i may turn this around - at a minimum i wish that her stress levels get down.