[pluck77]

I was talking to one of my guy friends the other day and he brought up an interesting topic. I have known this guy for about 7 years now, so I was not embarrassed when he brought this subject up. He has dated quite a few women, but none have really lasted longer than one or two dates. He seemed frustrated so he asked me, "Why is it that women are so insecure and afraid of being completely open and vulnerable with men?" I was kind of surprised about that question, being a woman, but it wasn't out of place. This guy I met at church and we have become really good friends.

I asked him to elaborate on what he meant. He told me that he would go out with women that he met and since he has no trouble being completely open and vulnerable he has no problems sharing his insecurities with the women he dates. He would be completely open with them and after talking for a while on a date, he would say something along the lines of, "I am going to share a bit more about me and if any of this makes you uncomfortable, please don't hesitate to kick me. I am kind of embarrassed because I am a male and in my 30's and am still a virgin. I take my Christian faith seriously, but feel weak when I am around my guy Christian friends who tell me about their sexual experiences with their girlfriends."

Some of the women that he dates are very consoling and tell him that they respect the fact that he hasn't slept with anybody yet. They even find that admirable. Then, surprisingly, they open up to him and disclose the fact that they are or are not virgins. Some of the women that he dates, even though they are technically virgins, because they have not had sexual intercourse, share with him what they have done. Some will tell him that they have done everything else but sex, some say that they have not had oral or vaginal sex, but have done everything else, while some even say that they have had sex with a guy, but made him pull out at the last minute - thus maintaining their virginity.

Depending on how comfortable his dates are with opening up to him on this topic, he delves more deeply. On some occasions he tells the woman he is out with that being a male he really struggles with masturbation. He says he feels bad about it and hates it when he gives into it.

Now since I am a woman, I find that extremely brave. The only difference is that I have known this guy for several years so we have learned all about each other over that time period. He is one of the few guys I can go to for advice on what the men I date are thinking or what their intentions might be. He has been a very beneficial resource, so now it is my turn to return the favor.

Anyways, again to his surprise, some of the women he goes out with open up and tell him that they also struggle with masturbation. One of them even told him that if a woman says she does not struggle or give into masturbation quite often then she is lying.

Again, as I have said, my friend knows everything about me and I know everything about him. He even knows how I lost my virginity to my high school boyfriend after prom. He knows that I have had a few boyfriends in college and since then and that I quite easily have sex with them, not all, but a few. The last guy I dated we went out for about 2 years and I could not bring myself to have vaginal sex with him. Oral was a completely different story. So we basically did everything but vaginal sex.

Before I ramble on and on here, my male friend asked me, "Why is it that women are SO insecure and afraid of being completely vulnerable like he is?" Since he already knows everything about me, I thought I would send this question out to other women.

So ladies, please share your thoughts.

[Claret]

IF, as you say, he has dated lots but none have lasted longer than one or two dates, I'd suggest that he is telling too much too soon. Intimacy takes time, and he is just jumping in with both feet. Quite frankly, I wouldn't go out with him either if he jumped to this conversation so soon in a relationship. Tell him to chill out a little bit, get to know the other person, let the other person get to know him and then, AND ONLY THEN if it looks like it could develop into a physical relationship or a relationship with a future, should he have his TALK. He should go out and just have fun.

[pluck77]

Thanks Claret. I totally agree with you. I also should mention to him that men and women think differently. With that in mind men have physical needs and sexual needs while us women have emotional needs and sexual needs. It seems that he just wants to move from the physical to the sexual, without having any thought of what us women want or need. We need to have our emotional needs met first and foremost, which unfortunately, most men don't understand. After putting some thought into it and talking with some of my girlfriends I am going to simplify things for him and make a list. Because we have so many different emotions/ feelings go through our mind on any given day, I have narrowed it down to about 6 categories.

Us women have emotional needs that are:
1) Feeling cared about
2) Understood
3) Respected
4) Devoted
5) Validated
6) Reaffirmed

Once our emotional needs are met we are more likely to feel comfortable moving on to our sexual needs. Or at least that is what my girlfriends and I have come up with. Please let me know if I need to add any emotions to this list so I can let my guy friend know about them.

Thanks.

[pluck77]

IF, as you say, he has dated lots but none have lasted longer than one or two dates, I'd suggest that he is telling too much too soon. Intimacy takes time, and he is just jumping in with both feet. Quite frankly, I wouldn't go out with him either if he jumped to this conversation so soon in a relationship. Tell him to chill out a little bit, get to know the other person, let the other person get to know him and then, AND ONLY THEN if it looks like it could develop into a physical relationship or a relationship with a future, should he have his TALK. He should go out and just have fun.

I also want to point out that my guy friend has told me about some of the women that he has gone out with or dated and were completely comfortable talking about those topics and experiences. I think that is what keeps him going - the mystery behind each woman he sees. Will she open up and be vulnerable or not and if so what has she done?

As a woman, I don't think that is right nor would I feel comfortable opening up to a guy I have just met or only gone out with once or twice. I already have issues with my own body, let alone my own private behavior, that normally it takes me several months to open up to a guy with things like that. Each guy I have slept with it has taken at least two months before I was comfortable enough to let him see me completely naked, let alone be inside of me. However, some of my girlfriends have no problem with things like that and I just don't understand how they can open up, be vulnerable and reveal such sensitive information or even have sex so quickly. My girlfriends, who do that, must be extremely horny and get tired of masturbation rather quickly.

When I ask them why they feel comfortable doing that, they say things like, "It is dangerous and I like living on the edge or it is fun and exciting or you never know what to expect each time I talk to him or we are together."

[Claret]

I think if you continue to plan all his future encounters, then you need to get your own life and he needs to learn about relationships through actual dating. You can't schedule compatibility, your can't schedule sexual compatibility, you can't structure each and every future dating conversation, either for him or for yourself. There has to be a "connection" between two people to continue on and to want to discover more about each other.
And, by the way, I think it safe to say that men have the same right to the emotional needs you have listed. They are not exclusive to women.
Also, if you give him this list make certain that you tell him it's your list not every woman's list. The list can and will change from person to person depending upon what they require in their life at that particular moment in time.

[pluck77]

Thanks Claret.

[secret0524]

As a person who likes to be open myself, I tend to see that lot of my friends do seem more comfortable with opening up to others at a more gradual pace. But when they do open up, they like to be quite personal. I feel like this process can take up as quickly as a few weeks to 2 years.... depending on the individual.. Your friend, as many pointed out, seems to be rather on the fast side. Perhaps if he opens up to others at a slower rate it would make the women he sees feel more comfortable.... each woman has a different personality and he would probably need more than those couple dates he have in order to figure that out.