[Beccalouise]

My boyfriend has had this friend who's a girl for about 2-3 years, and was obviously still friends with her before me and him got together. A few months before me and him got together, him and this girl had a 'thing' for a while. They only kissed and liked each other, nothing further than kissing (she was 15 or 16 and he was 17 at the time they had a thing) and he said he never wanted to get with her or do anything more with her because of her age. For a while they had a fall out and an argument for some reason and me and him grew closer (we went to the same college) and that's how we got together.
Only recently he has started to talk to her again and become good friends and I couldn't help but think there was a thing going on with them. They haven't seen each other for about 6 months he says but she lives closer to him than I do. He's mentioned going out with her and probably one of her friends after work sometime and I'm fine with that, as they're just friends, but I still get paranoid and jealous because they used to have a thing and I've always considered her as an ex even though they never actually got together.

Basically; I keep thinking they're having a thing because he's never really private about anything. Usually he'd text people and inbox people when I was around as if he didn't care if I saw what he was saying, but recently he's been inboxing/texting her a lot and he's been hiding his phone slightly as if he doesn't want me to see what he's saying and he even put a pin lock on his phone and I kicked off about it saying I feel like he's hiding something or can't trust me. The thing is, I have never once been on his phone unless he's showed me something, I'd never look at his messages unless he showed me them so that's why I got paranoid because he knows I never look at his things.
Today he text me saying he might be staying in work until about 8 or 9 when usually he finishes about 7 or so and he works with his step-dad, so they really just go whenever and I couldn't help but think he was using that as an excuse to hide the fact he was going out with this girl when he knows he can just tell me straight.

How can I stop feeling so jealous and paranoid when he talks to this girl? I couldn't care less if she likes him but I care about him still having feelings for her. But I've confronted him many times about it because it bothers me and he simply gets annoyed and says he wouldn't of wanted to get with me if he still liked her. But because they've been friends for so long, he wouldn't simply stop talking to her for me and I don't expect him to.
I know this all sounds petty and stupid but I'm just worried I'd lose him to her as I feel like I couldn't compare to her as I've always thought she was better than I am with him now.

[skyecountrygril]

It could be that there is genuinely nothing going on between them, but that he is hiding the communications because he doesn't want to cause you anguish and start and argument - maybe you could speak to him about it casually and see if he opens up more after realizing that your not annoyed or jealous and he'll think your more cool about it and relax his hidden communications. Also, you may want to ask him how would he feel if and old friend/ex started texting you .. he may change his tune!

[jns]

Pressure him will just make him more secretive.

It sounds like this girl was his first love. First loves are special and many times leave a hole when they end, a hole that can only be filled by getting back together. This is why some people separate, get married to others, raise families, get divorced or lose their spouse, then get back with their first love 30 years later. I'm not saying that this case follows that scenario, but it could. I think it bears watching, but not necessarily intervention. If he truly loves you he will not cross the line. Acting jealous may have him breaking up with you. If you cannot handle it, maybe breaking up with him would be the best thing.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think in life we spent too much time worrying about whether or not the person we are with are going to go off with someone else or stay with us.

I think it eats at people to the point that often they destroy the relationship as there is no more laughter, fun and bonding of beautiful intimacy.

In my opinion, the best thing for a woman to do is to know she has that man, show it, feel it and love it. There is nothing better than a woman by your side that shows no jealousy, is confident in herself, loves herself and her man, is intimate in a beautiful way and laughs and shares.

Then, no man really would walk would he? He's got it all and is happy.. And, knows if he did, he'd lose her.

On the other note of that. If that happened? Then you have to realise that, you are better than that, deserve someone better than that, that this person was never yours to start with and you will find someone better than that. And, walk with your head held high in that knowing.

People come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes it's forever, other times it's not .

I just feel too many people live in fear. Therefore they are never living.

[rcoreyus]

I think you might as well trust someone if you are in a relationship because without trust you miss one of the most important parts of being together. If they betray your trust, you will eventually find out and you can leave - knowing that you have done the right thing.

If you constantly worry, or start snooping, then you will never know whether you just haven't caught them yet.

Relationships should be something you enjoy for their own sake, not somthing you do for some future goal.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree that negativity is another form of Fear.

Trust on the other hand comes from security? I wish, it comes from within and whether that comes to fruition is up to the outcome.

I think you should just trust in order to love and be loved and feel.. As I stated if it does not work out, trust yourself that you made the wrong decision, love yourself and find someone whom see that in you..


People settle.... And that is the biggest problem..........then get hurt.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think people 'don't trust' based on their past.

I think a lot of people settle in 'hope of trust'.

But ultimately i think a lot don't 'trust themselves' and see signs and ignore them in 'hope' of trust.

[Beccalouise]

Sorry for the late reply, but thank you for all of your replies.

This is still sort of going on, just not as bad. I do trust him but I'm just afraid of losing him to someone else. I didn't really think of her being his first love, but it makes sense now if that's the case. I just hope he still doesn't have any feelings like that for her anymore. I accidently saw a text he sent to her the other day and it was along the lines of, he wants to see her again but she was busy, he seems to text her a lot even when he is spending time with me and it does bother me. He says he has only ever really had female friends which I understand as I am the same with only ever really having male friends.

I have no problem with them still being friends, I just don't like it when he texts her so much when he's supposed to be spending time with me (as we don't see each other every day)

He is going to a party next weekend with a few of his friends, this girl, and her friends. He said I could come but he knows I wouldn't feel comfortable around her and her friends and the fact I wouldn't know anyone.

I have confronted him many times about it and assured him I'm only like that because I'm afraid of losing him, he always says to me that I need to realise she is only a friend.

Last week we were extremely close to breaking up and I was going to accept it as he said it was for the best, yet I did not want it to end. He said that he doesn't want to leave me so we stayed together.

When this party is done and over with, I think then I'll know if I can trust him or not if anything happens with this girl or not. But how can I tell by the way he is acting if anything has happened or not? I trust him to not do anything because he says he "will not be drunk enough to cheat on me" and he "wouldn't cheat on me when sober" but how would I know for sure if anything happened at the party by how he's acting?