[nilaporajita]

Hi All,
Just wanted to hear your opinion..I was a widow for few years then i got married again after dating for a year. I have kids from my first marriage but they started hating my husband as well as me although that time i didn't understand why then we moved to the city where mom lives and kids were staying with my mother. I thought it would be the best and with time things will get better. After that i have been getting a bit upset as kids were going far from me, My husband was ok at the beginning but then he started hitting me whenever me whenever he got angry. Few days back my husband had an argument with my best friend and she was upset at him and me and i charged my husband why is he doing this to all my relationships and then he started hitting me again. Although i have warned him several times that no matter what he should not hit me. This relationship is getting hard on me. I dont know what to do.
Please help me with your comments should I leave him?
- Aporajita

[jns]

Are you in a society where you can live on your own, either with family or completely alone? It sounds like your husband is controlling and is trying to get you completely isolated. Are you contemplating divorce if it is possible? Is there marriage counseling available?

[nilaporajita]

I can live on my own ..Just wanted to have a good life with kids and husband..my 1st marriage was not successful either and i was brought up in a broken family as well...and JNS you are right i am also having the feeling that he wants to control my every move and want to destroy my all relationships..after doing all these he was calling to my work repeatedly with abusive language and when i threatened him by saying that i am not feeling secure to go home and he might force me to contact police he was really angry and after few minutes he called and said sorry for what he has done.

[jns]

Staying together in a bad marriage is not doing any favors to anybody involved. I would suggest marriage counseling as a first step. Hopefully he will learn from what he has done and the counseling can get him back to how he was at the beginning of the marriage. If he refuses that or hits you again, it is time to move out. Some will probably say to move out now. Good luck.

[moderniste]

I apologize if I sound blunt. If it was just you and your husband, then maybe you could have the luxury of weighing his good vs bad qualities. But YOU HAVE KIDS. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to choose a good, safe stepdad for them when you re-marry, not expose them possibly to violence and most certainly to major relationship problems when they grow up.

You are a smart woman, and you have admitted what is going on in your life. I'm sure you know how to avail yourself of help, i.e. a women's shelter or help from family members; you don't sound like a naive babe in the woods. I was in an abusive situation once--and only once. I was depressed and vulnerable when I met the guy--they prey on women in that condition. We got engaged, and as soon as he thought I was hooked on to him, he hit me. I was out of there the next morning, with my dad and brother standing guard while my family helped me move my stuff out.

I've also had the experience of having to let a friend go because of her abusive relationship. She was getting badly beaten every week, and she'd stay with me and tearfully swear it was over. Then he'd make a big romantic gesture; she'd swoon with the romantic drama of it all, and the cycle would begin again. As cruel as this may seem, not all women are 100% victims in these awful situations. Sometimes you do have to question the victim's intentions and share of responsibility.

But back to your situation. YOU HAVE KIDS. The home and financial support he provides DO NOT outweigh your kid's physical and emotional safety. Period. So you have to get out. Don't teach them to fear that you won't keep them safe and make them lose respect for their mom, and for women in general. After you divorce him, which is what you have to do no matter how inconvenient, then maybe take the time to do some self-examination about why an abuser would pick you, and how you'll better recognize the abuser type in the future.

[rcoreyus]

If it is possible for you to leave, you should - immediately. There is NEVER an excuse for hitting your wife (or husband). I would skip counseling. Consider reporting him to the police, but in any case leave. You want a good life and you can have one - but not with an abuser.

There are lots of really nice men in the world, absolutely no reason you should put up with this.

[jen1447]

What rcoreyus said. ^ Leave now, today. If a guy hits you once, he'll hit you again. That's why the very first hit in any relationship should be a deal-breaker for anyone. Sorry nilaporajita, but you have to woman up and get yourself out.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Aporajita, welcome to WH.

You know, we all want love and sometimes we make the wrong choices for that love.
It seems to me that 1 year after the death of your first husband, marrying your second, perhaps may have been too soon. I say that because it’s not long enough for the children to grieve, even if they had some dislikes towards your first husband, he was their father and secondly, not enough time for them to bond with your second husband to be able to feel secure and happy and thirdly more than likely they saw something in him that you didn’t as they were on the side-line, not the person seeking love and felt that you had entered again into a relationship that wasn’t good for you, nor them.

It seems that they were right. Or else you wouldn’t be writing to us.

Your children are highly important and so are you. Learning to love yourself and live with yourself, by yourself and be happy with that, allowing someone deserving to move into your world, your life and that of your children is what you need to do.

Love will come. But, being in an abusive relationship continuing a cycle that you are used to doesn’t mean it’s what you deserve far from it.
You say you charged him. I assume that is what you meant and then told him there is no excuse for hitting you. If you are angry and push someone, or hit them, they should not hit back, but consider as well as to whether his personality with yours winds you up.
Either way. Take some time out. Look at your responsibilities of your children and love for them and seek how to love yourself. Then decide what to do.

[WatchmansMoon]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. My advice would be to seek professional help immediately. As difficult as it may be to admit, you are a victim of domestic abuse, and your husband is a chronic abuser. You've already told him to stop many times, and he's clearly not stopping.

Without professional intervention, there is a good chance that things will only go downhill from here. Men who have abused their wives in the past are likely to continue, and next time you may suffer more serious injuries.

The first thing you need to do is break the silence on this issue with friends and loved ones. You need to let others know about the abuse. If you have a healthy relationship with your parents or other loved ones, I believe it would also be wise to tell them about your husband's abusive behavior. You also need to have a safety plan in place in the event that your husband threatens to harm you again. At the first sign of anger, leave the house and go a prearranged place where you will be safe. That could be a friend's home or a local women's shelter. It's also a good idea to have some extra clothing and toiletries in the trunk of your car. If your husband threatens you as you leave, call 9-1-1 when you get to the safe place and file a police report.

I pray you can get the counseling help you need.

[Lovcookie]

Take the advice of anther man. Leave that sob now. I can't stand men that hit women. He needs help with his anger. There are so many good men out there so don't waste another day with him.