[MamaaCorydoras]

Hi all! Ill try and make this brief!

I think Im having some jealousy Issues with my boyfriend. Ive been with him almost 5 years, and we've been living together for almost 1. My concern is that I cant stand the though of him finding any other female even mildly attractive. Ive had trust issues with him and the start of our relationship because he was a flirt with specific girls for no particular reason (because he says he enjoyed being wanted by other women), although that isn't the case anymore I feel like it still affects me. Now that we live together, Its more evident that he enjoys watching porn which I cant stand even though I know its a normal thing. I also feel like I have self esteem issues. In the last few months Ive put on some weight, and everytime we have sex he normally makes a joke out of everything, like tickles me at inappropriate times which I think ruins the mood. So this doesn't help when he oogles at other women. Ive talked to him about it and he says that its normal and that it doesnt mean that he's going to leave me or cheat on me, which I understand. But is there anyone else that has this issue, or any guys out there that can shed some light? Its becoming infuriating, and I worry that over time he is only going to see me as a friend in that sense and stay with me because we've been together so long already. Also, is there anyone else in a long term relationship that has had the same problem? Any advice would be great! Sorry for the long post!

[rcoreyus]

A couple of things. When someone gets into a relationship it does not make them suddenly loose all interest in everyone else. They will still find other women (or men) attractive, the difference is that they should not act on that attraction. Some people are more naturally flirtatious and this is usually obvious when you first meet them. So one question is whether he has changed, or if this is how he always was and possibly is why you were attracted to him in the first place. BTW "Flirting" covers a lot of ground - being friendly and smiling at women is something most people would find OK, touching would not be OK with most.

Porn is a topic of many discussions (you can find many here). Is he watching porn instead of being intimate with you, or only when you are not available?

The other issue is if he is doing things you don't like in bed, like tickling you. Have you told him you don't like it? If he continues even though you don't enjoy that sort of thing it indicates that he is rather selfish and doesn't care about your feelings.

[Peacheskreme]

In a different view. I've found I've been more jealous when I have been a bit overweight. It was a self esteem thing too. confidence affects us all. I remember when I started losing weight I was showing my body off to my man a lot more and and him noticing me back was a big turn on and it completely took away any self doubt. even if I thought he was being flirtatious. Don't just get fit for him. Do it for you. Its super sexy and raises your sex drive like crazy. He might not need the porn as much. (porn is great to me though).

on everything else I agree with the above post.

[jen1447]

I agree with Peaches - look after your self image first. If you think you're sexy, he naturally will too. But you don't have to be a size 1 to be sexy. I know quite a few gorgeous women who are ...let's call it nice and soft around the edges. Mm.

[DreamP346]

Normal doesn't necessarily mean appropriate. Farting is a very normal human function, but farting all the time is not and farting in the middle of a business meeting is not appropriate. Similarly watching porn might be something you consider "normal" but that doesn't make it OK to watch is constantly when it interferes with your relationship. I read you sex thread too. I am guessing that are a lot more issues going on with your boyfriend. How much porn does he watch? Would he be willing to give it up, at least for a while to focus on your relationship.

[MamaaCorydoras]

Hey all, sorry for the delay. It's mostly everyday, when I'm not around, or working, but sometimes he'll load something up in front of me like pictures and such, an then he'll get upset with me if I confront him with the fact that I'm not comfortable with it ...
I know some people tell me 'yes, but he's not cheating on you do it's okay' but I still think that once you're in a relationship, it's not necessary, that's just my opinion.
I understand that you don't have to be attracted to your partner 24/7 but I little enthusiasm is what bothers me. Last night again, I didn't initiate anything, and he just turned around and started sleeping... I thought why do I have to initiate everything? It's getting frustrating thinking that he would rather masturbate to women online than make any effort to please me. Most of the time we have sex, I'm on top because he said it means he doesn't have to do anything Nd just lie there...

[jen1447]

He sounds rather inconsiderate - both with the lack of effort in sex and the putting porn in your face if he knows you don't like it. I don't know that you can demand he not watch porn and expect him to comply if that's his thing, but at the least he should watch it privately if you've told him it upsets you.

I'm hearing warning bells here as far as lack of respect goes. I think that's pretty important, and the lack of it tends to get worse, not better.

[AL0tT0Handle]

1.) I agree. Look at yourself. So you gained weight... Does that really affect your beauty? Chances are, he didn't choose to date you for 5 years for your body alone! I'm sure you had to have a face he found attractive, and a personality he found attractive. Gaining weight doesn't change a pretty face and it doesn't need to change your personality

2.) On that note, he should reassure you more. This goes hand in hand with him not initiating, maybe. Maybe he sees you being uncomfortable with yourself, and he just doesn't want to push you--maybe in his head, him initiating could lead to you rejecting or making you uncomfortable. I don't know how much yall talk, but maybe just tell him. I've gained weight too and I've flat out told my boyfriend that I hate my body right now. Our relationship is fairly new still and he didn't know me well when I had MY body. He seems to make a point in reassuring me though--even though it doesn't change MY opinion I told my boyfriend, not to seek sympathy, but just to be honest. Maybe he'll offer to go for walks with you, or to the gym, if that's something you want to do.

3.) I watch porn. FAR more than my boyfriend. There are certain male "performers" that I choose to watch because I do find them attractive. I don't find them NEARLY as attractive as my boyfriend though. I also look at pictures of other guys, but again, I've yet to see one that makes me think, "****, I wish Sean looked like that." Why do I bother when I have him? Couldn't tell you. Does it make being with him a little more exciting? Maybe...might get some new ideas, you know haha

4.) His "just laying there" comment is a prick of a comment. But at the same time, it could also mean he enjoys WATCHING you Look up some new positions and put them in a hat and pick a few new ones to try--it'll make him get more involved and it might be a little more sexual, little more kinky, and might appeal to him more.