[ms1234]

I have been in my relationship with my boyfriend for over 3 and a half years and love him more than I can explain. Recently, I found out he slept with my friend at a party we were at together after I went to bed (we had sex that night too). He claims he was blacked out drunk and doesn't remember, but details are slowly coming back to him. If it matters, the girl he supposedly slept with told me it happened (she was a mutual friend). He is my first love (I'm 20) and I don't know what to do. Heck, before this he was talking about marriage. This is the only time that anything like this has happened and I don't know whether it's better to break up and move on or to try to fix our relationship. What would you do in this situation?

[catwoman]

Trust is a huge factor in making a relationship work functionally. There are many couples out there who've dealt with this similar situation and have worked through it and are happy. It all depends on if you can rebuild that trust, and if he's truly willing to never do it again. What was the reason behind him cheating on you? Blaming alcohol is a poor excuse, because who's to say the next time he gets drunk it won't happen again? Basically he's saying he can't control himself when he drinks. Then I would suggest he doesn't drink anymore until he knows he has self control. I just don't like that excuse. Another thing is that he is "slowly remembering" the details, would make me think he was hiding it from me. Granted, I have in my past been black out drunk and not remember what happened, so this may be true that he truly doesn't remember it. I think I'd also ask him to limit contact with the friend he slept with. Not a very good friend for 1 thing, and you also don't want a repeat because they don't have self control around each other (obviously).

It really comes down to if you want to work it out with him and he's truly willing to stay faithful from this point on. If you want it to be worked out, there has to be rebuild of trust. It's hard to tell you what you should do, because we don't know how he feels, if he really feels sorry and it was a big mistake, or he made a bad decision and was hiding it from you. Not sure. Follow your gut.

[KMonte85]

Unfortunately, ms1234, no one can answer that for you. We can tell you what we would do, but that can be completely different than what you feel is right in your heart.

The question you need to be asking, is are you capable of looking at him in the same light you did before you discovered his indiscretion? Can you forgive him, trust him, respect him, and move forward loving his as you once did? Or will this forever taint the way you see him, and will you be the type of person who can't get past it, keeps bringing it up, or resorts to snooping and other actions that indicate you've lost your trust in him? Those things are poisonous to a relationship and will eventually end it.

I'm not saying in order to stay together he gets a free pass and you should just let it go like nothing happened, but I am saying that you need to make sure you have it in you to work with him in a productive way and rebuild your relationship, or you need to let him know that you're not the type of person who can forgive cheating and still maintain a healthy relationship and move on.

There is no right or wrong in this situation, only what you feel is right for YOU.

[Claret]

I have been in my relationship with my boyfriend for over 3 and a half years and love him more than I can explain. Recently, I found out he slept with my friend at a party we were at together after I went to bed (we had sex that night too). He claims he was blacked out drunk and doesn't remember, but details are slowly coming back to him. If it matters, the girl he supposedly slept with told me it happened (she was a mutual friend). He is my first love (I'm 20) and I don't know what to do. Heck, before this he was talking about marriage. This is the only time that anything like this has happened and I don't know whether it's better to break up and move on or to try to fix our relationship. What would you do in this situation?

You say he was blacked out drunk and doesn't remember. You have to have drank a whole bunch to get to this point and it's usually not the first time it has happened if you do get to this point. Is this really the type of person you want to be with? Will he quit drinking? Will he get couples counselling? Will you ever fully trust him again?

You're 20 years old, you don't need to be saddled with someone that acts like that. By the way if he slept with (my) your friend at a party -- she wasn't your friend.

[catwoman]

I do have to agree a little with Claret that you're still so young. If my 28 years old self would be able to tell the 21 year old me back when I was dating my ex and he confessed he had feelings for his ex, I would say "RUN GIRL RUN! Don't waste anymore of your precious time on him!" but I loved him a lot so I worked through it with him. It eventually ended anyway. It was a lesson learned, but it would have been easier to walk away then than it was 2 1/2 years after that. But I would have never known how it was going to play out unless I did what I did. I can look back now and know I was somewhat of a fool for staying with him. By the way... 4 years later (I am married now ) and he is with his ex girlfriend. I knew in my gut he always wanted her and always would. I should have listened to it. Listen to your intuition and your gut. Seriously.

[jen1447]

Yep. It's our best tool/weapon/asset.

[rcoreyus]

You need to decide how much cheating matters to YOU. If he did this once, he may do it again. For some people that would be an absolute relationship end. For others it could be OK. Some are happy with open relationships - where it is perfectly OK (under various limitations) for their partners to sleep around.

My feeling is that cheating is sort of bad, but less bad than a lot of things I hear about: Hitting, degrading comments, stealing. In fact I'd consider cheating to be less bad than a partner who wasn't willing do their share of work and chores. Other people would strongly disagree.

So my advice: Sit down and decide how much YOU care, no one else can tell you that. Expect that if he did it once, it will probably happen again, though you may never find out. Can you live happily with him not knowing if he has cheated, without constantly feeling mistrust or the need to spy on him?

[catwoman]

I would also like to know if he used protection, for your own safety. Was he at least smart about it and used a condom? That poses a risk for her to get pregnant and for STD's to be transferred to you. Be sure to get that information from him, even if you think your friend is clean. She may have slept with someone else who had it before your boyfriend.

[honeybee888]

I would leave. The feeling of always having to check up on ur partner is a horrible one. That can just eat away at your self esteem as well. But like a lot of people are saying on here, you have to do based on what you feel is best. I personally do not believe that he doesn't remember it. There are plenty of men out there who are with woman and do not cheat. Also did he tell you himself he cheated? If you had to find out from someone or by snooping that matters as well and points off his character to me.

[waynebarnett847]

I can't say, you leave him because I don't know what's in your heart.
Try to listen his explanation and feel it if he telling you the truth, look at his eyes when he start telling you.