[Lady Syrinx]

How do you handle a significant person in your life who seems to take everything you do or say as a personal attack and refuses to believe that you harbor no ill will toward her/him? You have said that you hate this person in fits of anger or frustration. But you know that as a rule you don't hate individuals unless they warrant it like child molesters and abusers of any stripe. When you try to communicate about what's going on it quickly becomes about individual events and who's to blame rather than the underlying issues.

This person chooses to judge you based on a time when you know that you were the worst version of yourself. You've admitted as much on several occasions. You have been trying to become the "real" you and leave the person you were in the past. But that person seems to be dead set on on proving that you can't change and any small slip is viewed as history repeating itself. So much so that at times you feel like Jean Val Jean trying to outrun Javert.

Please don't recommend cutting contact with this person, that is not a possibility.

[jen1447]

I think we really need to know who this person is in your life in order to make any judgments ....too heavy to generalize.

[Quiet One]

Yes, context is important.

From what I'm getting by your description, it will take time to prove yourself, not through words but through actions. If it hasn't been long since you were the "worst version of yourself", then you need to continue on your path of trying to be the "real" you. This person probably needs time to trust that you won't revert to past behavior. Put yourself in their mind to gain some understanding, and practice patience with the process. Ask them to respect that you're making a great effort to change.

[Pollon]

Generally repair starts with

A) Acknowledging your poor past behavior to your victim.
b) Expressing an understanding of how your behavior affected that person.
c) Expressing regret for the damage
d) ASKING how you can make repair
e) Committing to do what is asked
f) Following through on that commitment with ACTION
g) Repeating steps A) through F) when you have "small slips"

If you've genuinely attempted the steps above AT LEAST three times but get no change from the other person, you have to accept that they are incapable of accepting your attempts at repair and granting forgiveness.

Good luck