[kittykat83]

Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. we eat at home most nights and go out to cheap fast food restaurants either Saturday or Sunday night for a treat. From time to time he pays for me on the weekend ($6-$11 a meal) or we split the bill. During the week, I make all of the dinners meals for us...that I shop for and use my money to pay for the groceries. I dont have a great job - I just make enough money to get by. But he has a really good job. I constantly complain that I cant afford to pay for both of us during the week. He says that it evens out when he takes me out to dinner on the weekend. A lot of the time, we actually split the bill and I wind up getting upset when he doesn't pay for me. He calls me cheap and we start fighting. Am I the cheap one?

[Claret]

Easy - take him shopping with you and on the way to the store ask him how many meals he'll be eating with you that week. Then split the cost of the groceries appropriately.

[Trixareforkids]

Well since it sounds like you live together I'd have to ask how the rest of the house bills are split. My personal ideal of what is fair is to share bills based on percentage of income. What I mean by that is that when you take the total of both incomes then divide each income by the total you get each person's percentage of the bills. That way you're both contributing the same percentage of your incomes to the bills and you both have a some extra left over.

Money is a VERY touchy subject for some, the hubby in I combined our incomes as soon as we moved in together but that doesn't work for everyone, when it doesn't for whatever reasons the two of you have to AGREE on what is fair otherwise the resentment just builds and builds. Nearly all relationship problems come down to fairness: money issues, sex issues, chore issues. The only way to work on those things is to have a real discussion about what you think is fair and if you can't come to an agreement/compromise you'll always have problems because one of you will always feel like they are giving/doing more than their fair share.

[jen1447]

This is one of the reasons I live alone, no need to figure that stuff out. It helps to be financially independent ....maybe you should try to square that away first so you can start calling the shots.

If you live alone and he eats at your place, he's basically just a guest. Then you do like with any other freeloader - 10 free meals (or whatever number) and no sign of it evening out and the meals stop.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I like the idea of keeping the receipts for the shopping, but I would add, hold onto them for 4 weeks, then show him the total amount, smile and say cheap? Let's see, $200 verses ie) $40 how do you feel being so Cheap?

I think when we are more assertive, putting something back onto someone in such a way that they can't argue it's easier then discussing and getting no where. I'm a bit surprised he even has the nerve to call you cheap, however, I also agree with the comment, re:- what other bills are being paid and who is paying those, such as rent/electricity/gas, petrol, etc.

[Pollon]

He gets everything he wants with no commitment and he doesn't even have to pay half the bills. He's looking out for himself.

After four years, what are your future plans with this guy? Is he talking commitment? I doubt it.

[rcoreyus]

Different people think about money differently. I have friends who will put a huge effort into saving less money than they earn in a few minutes. Others will happily spend outrageous sums relative to their income. My family was thrifty to the point of being miserly. I'm a spendthrift. I think a couple need to have similar ideas about money to get along well.

[Trixareforkids]

I think a couple need to have similar ideas about money to get along well.

I think some problems arise from a self-delusions about finance or when our ideals about money don't match our habits. You think you're on the same page until you see the bank balance, lol. The hubby and I have never fought about money, we've been annoyed, frustrated and/or dejected about our finances, but we've never fought about it, maybe because we'd both been through extremely hard times as kids. Knowing what POOR really is tends to put things in perspective I guess.

[jns]

kittykat, I grew up in an era when the bf was expected to pay for the meals when the couple went out to eat. This idea of strictly dividing up the costs of meals (in a relationship or dating) st restaurants is strange to me especially where the available spending money is so different between the parties. I see his not taking a bigger portion of the checks or even taking the whole checks as being an insight on his selfish nature. It seems to be confirmed by his not bringing you a bag of groceries from time to time or not taking you grocery shopping where he pays. Will this behavior continue if you two get married? How about if you two have a baby together?

[kittykat83]

Thank you for the advice. I think this is a good idea...to keep track of expenses. We do not live together, so we do not share any expenses. I struggle paying rent and utilities, so I think that is why I get defensive when he doesn't help out with groceries at least once in a while.