[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think it depends on the reason for the cheating. A one time fling due to bad judgement (alcohol?), or just plain lust might not be repeated. "Curiosity" cheating - you've been with the same person for a decade, and just "need" to know what it is like with someone else, know if you are missing something (you probably are not!), might not be repeated. Cheating because you just don't care about your spouse will likely be repeated. Cheating because there is something missing in your relationship will likely be repeated. I worry sometimes when someone lists all the things they have done for their spouse - but there is no mention of love.

I agree that there are many reasons for cheating. I would like to think that it was a sper of the moment from "no love" and an enormous amount of energy and time that had been put in to try to work through any and all problems alas, just can't resolve.

This is interesting as my marriage had friendship but no love for a long time. I felt the urge on occasions to flirt. I needed to feel alive. But i took all that love and gave it to my animals and felt fulfilled, until that was not enough either. And, i spent 7 years, in discussions quietly nicely, suggestions of councelling everything i could think of until one day i then walked.

I never cheated.

I was in a "commitment" be it marriage or relationship. It was a committment.

I personally have had the theory that if you walk away if you ever feel that way to such an extent, as the hurt to the other person would be horrid and your hurting yourself to.

I also think, people think differently and some will forgive and never see it bite them back later. But forget, i don't think that that is ever possible.

[rcoreyus]

I can't disagree with this saying more. I let my husband for my current boyfriend and have been with him for 4 years. If I hadn't cheated, I wouldn't have met my soulmate. On the flip side, my boyfriend has always had a hard time trusting me. He goes through my phone, goes the history on my computer..etc. Sometimes I am not sure it is worth it.

Yikes - maybe it is just me, but I couldn't tolerate a spouse going snooping through my stuff, and wouldn't imagine snooping at her stuff. Trust but verify worked fine in the Cold War, but I don't think it is appropriate in a personal relationship.

[Miya42]

Once doesn't mean always..

I can't disagree with this saying more. I let my husband for my current boyfriend and have been with him for 4 years. If I hadn't cheated, I wouldn't have met my soulmate. On the flip side, my boyfriend has always had a hard time trusting me. He goes through my phone, goes the history on my computer..etc. Sometimes I am not sure it is worth it.

[rcoreyus]

I think it depends on the reason for the cheating. A one time fling due to bad judgement (alcohol?), or just plain lust might not be repeated. "Curiosity" cheating - you've been with the same person for a decade, and just "need" to know what it is like with someone else, know if you are missing something (you probably are not!), might not be repeated. Cheating because you just don't care about your spouse will likely be repeated. Cheating because there is something missing in your relationship will likely be repeated. I worry sometimes when someone lists all the things they have done for their spouse - but there is no mention of love.

[ArmyWife]

People Make Mistakes

Once a cheater, always a cheater...who made that up?

I don't think this is true. There are exceptions though, because some people do have emotional problems, or are just not serious about the realtionships they are getting into.

I have cheated before in the past. It was only on one guy, but I did cheat on him four times. We were together for a short time, but for that time, we really didn't spend a lot of time together. Not to mention, I was big on the parties and the drugs.

But, that was the only time I ever cheated and it hasn't happened since and I am with a wonderful guy who I just adore and love with all my heart.

I don't believe in that cliche because if I did I would be considered a cheater at one point in my life, and I'm not a cheater now...I am a LOVER! So it makes no sense.

[CM2008]

If you tell someone you forgive them, it is not fair to bring that issue up again. You can choose to forgive or not, but if you forgive, then it is done. In a long relationship there are likelky to be things on both sides that should be forgiven. It is too easy to let the bad baggage accumulate over the years.

In this case they are both paying for it. Every time she brings it up, it hurts him. That will slowly chip away at his love.

Until you've been there, its hard to understand. I agree that it isn't fair and that it shouldn't be thrown back and brought up. But it will happen, especially when arguing or extremely upset about something. Perhaps deep down it really isn't possible to completely forgive. One might say they forgive, but do they really? People have memory. Good and Bad, we remember, and you don't forget, you can only continue to try to forgive. Otherwise as you stated, it will continue to "chip away" at the love in a marriage.

[rcoreyus]

a former friend of mine's husband was caught cheating. She stayed with him and says she forgives him. Even to this day, when they fight, she still brings it up. I know he doens't have any interest in cheating again. He is a good man and made a mistake. Now he is paying for it.... or is she..... how do you let that go as a woman.... we remember everything!! I don't know if I could ever let it go, forgive, but never forget!

If you tell someone you forgive them, it is not fair to bring that issue up again. You can choose to forgive or not, but if you forgive, then it is done. In a long relationship there are likelky to be things on both sides that should be forgiven. It is too easy to let the bad baggage accumulate over the years.

In this case they are both paying for it. Every time she brings it up, it hurts him. That will slowly chip away at his love.

Use these two examples as a paradigm;


Tammy and clay had an argument, he moved out
and she decided to take that job two hundred
miles away.

Clay got involved with Vanessa while
Tammy was gone.

Then, there were emails, then phone calls and
Tammy and Clay decided to get back together.

He told Vanessa that he was going back to his
wife, and when he got back, he told Tammy how
he had felt when she left, and how he got involved
with Vanessa and how he broke it off with Vanessa.

When Vanessa, trying desperately to 'get him back'
rang up, he told her not to call him again, that
it was over. Then told Tammy that Vanessa had
called and what she said and what he said.



Now if your situation is like that, then let us not
call Clay a 'cheater'. After all, if Tammy hadn't
left then Clay wouldn't have thought himself in
pre-divorce mode and believe he was free.

However...



Howie told his wife he was working late but
was having a hot and heavy with Lulu.

He had more lies than a bed, and he worked
out his juggling like a five star general.

One day, his wife saw a questionable email
and he poo poo'd it away, and erased it
quickly.

Another time, his wife saw his car outside of
a motel. He told her that she was mistaken,
then when she quoted the license plate, he
caught himself and 'remembered' loaning
the car to Fred.

Finally, his wife actually catches him in a
club with Lulu and they have a drama in
which he swears he'll break up with Lulu
and never be unfaithful again.




Now it's pretty clear Howie is a cheater. He
will cheat on his wife again and again and when
she divorces him he'll marry again, and cheat
again, because it is in his 'character', (term
used loosely).

Forgiving adultery is pointless. You will never
forget it. If you don't care very much what
he's doing and who he is doing it with because
you have your own life and want him out of
it, fine. No problem.
After all, if he's running behind some gal he
can't be running behind you.

But if you actually think he'll never betray
you again, you are in for a world of hurt.

As a divorce lawyer I will say this;
90% of all women seeking divorce because
of adultery admit it is not the first time he
was unfaithful.

The 10% who say this is the first time they
caught him and they don't want a second
will often come back to me a few years later
to tell me how his second wife caught him
with a girlfriend.

When his 'promise' 'NEVER AGAIN' is fresh
you might expect maybe a year or so of
faithfulness, but he'll cheat again.
It's his nature

[sweetie27]

a former friend of mine's husband was caught cheating. She stayed with him and says she forgives him. Even to this day, when they fight, she still brings it up. I know he doens't have any interest in cheating again. He is a good man and made a mistake. Now he is paying for it.... or is she..... how do you let that go as a woman.... we remember everything!! I don't know if I could ever let it go, forgive, but never forget!

[alibaby]

...You just have to make sure you are doing your job as his woman and satisfy him and he want need to go out and get it from somnewhere else.

Some men cheat over and over. Some men cheat once. In many cases, I think it has nothing to do with a woman 'doing her job'. Do you blame yourself for your boyfriends cheating?