[zmmo]

before i start anything , i just want to say sorry for the long detail , but i just really need some help and i need to get some things off my chest i cant tell anyone around me.

im 21 years old and i met this guy 7 years ago , we were friends at first but then started to date , and i really loved him , i believed he was my soul mate and that no one would ever understand me like him and i still do till now.
we knew litterly everything about each other and we were planning on getting married when he dropped the bomb on me one day , suddenly , that his parents didnt want me. at that time i told him ONE THING , i told him that ill give him his space to deal with his parents and i wont yell or nag or call or even act like his girlfriend , that i would act as a friend who supports him untill he convinces his parents. i told him i would do this under ONE CONDITION , ONE THING. that IF things look like there not going to work. that he will call me and tell me he wants to see me and tell me its not going to work in person , no games , no ignoring me , no breaking up on the phone . well after 5 months of waiting , thats what he did . he broke up with me in a message. the ONLY thing i asked for him not to do he did it and i felt like it was this huge spit on our relationship and he left me with absoultly no closure whatsoever . 6 months later i still have a million things i needed to tell him and he never gave me the chance too. i also dont think he was telling the complete truth about his parents , i felt mabye another girl was involved. and i also never got that resolved . i feel he left me hanging so my first question is:

should i call to ask to see him ? because we cut ties and i just really need this closure and im not sure if i will get it from seeing him or not , and im not sure if its just me WANTING to see him again . and also if i call him , i feel like im lowering from myself if you know what i mean. i just wish he would call and ask to see me , to ask about me , but he didnt , not even once and it really hurts to know he can throw out 7 years like that and i just really need to talk to him again.

second question : as i mentioned before , i knew him for 7 years and im 21 now , it means i knew him for all my teenage life and i feel he is a part of me now that cant go away. in anything i do or think or say hes there and i think what would he think if i did this or that . i dont have my own identity . it was ALWAYS associated with him. and i dont know what I want to do and what i dont want to do . i know it may sound weird. but its like hes with me everywhere i go and in everything i do. and i dont know who i am without him.

the first month we broke up , i slept alot , by alot i mean i would be awake for about 2-5 hours only a day. and in those hours all i would do was cry. this went on for about a month . i was seriously depressed and just wanted to run away from everything , i didnt want to face anything or anyone. i didnt want to see the places we went to , i didnt want to see his picture in my wallet , i didnt want to notice the absence of his messages on my phone. the problem was i live with my sister in a dorm and so do all my freinds . and they all started to get worried and wanted to get me help . and i REALLY didnt want that . so i started doing things i didnt want to do just so they can think im doing fine. like making a facebook , and meeting people , and celebrating my birthday. but inside every day till this day , i wish i would sleep and just not wake up . but i get up and do all these stupid things, i dont want to do when the only thing i want to do is cry and sleep and call him. and what sucks even more , is that when i do these things , i feel this sense of shame ( as i said before , what he thinks of me is always in my head ) that im out and doing stuff when we only broke up 6 months ago. i just wish he would know that till now i would give everything god gave me and will give me when he left , just to have him back.
so my thrid question is: should i continoue to act like this for my sister and my friends, or should i just do what i want and take my time with the greifing part ?

again sorry for the long question

[kate61]

Going through emotional stages is a way of letting go. Giving someone closure is good but it will not take the pain. I just separated from someone now and am not crying ovet him. Am just disappointed. Its a good thing you are out. I went out with friends this Saturday and it felt good. I want to be out not to meet someone but to be surrounded by people. Although you will meet someone don't grieve too long for your past relationship. From my experience it doesn't help because u r missing someone who doesn't think of you. Go out and date.

[Lancashire Lad]

Yes call him and tell him how you feel, chances are you won't get him back but at least he will know he let you down badly.

[kate61]

Yes call him and tell him how you feel, chances are you won't get him back but at least he will know he let you down badly.

And it will be a way of getting a load off your chest. Call him but don't expect a reconciliation

[Claret]

Someone once said and to me, quoting another source -- "who ever said it was better to have loved and lost, was full of carp."

You are in mourning, but even this should pass. When life goes on and continues and you get into a new relationship, it doesn't mean that you loved the first person any less, just that you can't love him any more. You can keep that first love within you, moving forward, and using it to benefit the next person you fall in love with.

We can love more than one person at any given time because each love is individual and special to that person. And the love we get in return can't be compared because that is unique to the person loving us.

Keep moving forward. If you need to contact this person and "clear the air" then do so, but do it from a position of strength within yourself and discuss how you felt, not what you thought he felt. You can tell him how hurt you were from his actions, but how you now recognize that he was following his heart and that you weren't a part of that. He can never argue with how you feel. But if you try to tell him how he should feel or was feeling, then the conversation can go downhill really quickly.

It is easier to leave things on a peaceful basis rather than have it degrade into a shouting match, or get to the point where you resent him. Because if you do that, then you basically wipe off the last 7 years of your life as being a waste.

[kate61]

Someone once said and to me, quoting another source -- "who ever said it was better to have loved and lost, was full of carp."

You are in mourning, but even this should pass. When life goes on and continues and you get into a new relationship, it doesn't mean that you loved the first person any less, just that you can't love him any more. You can keep that first love within you, moving forward, and using it to benefit the next person you fall in love with.

We can love more than one person at any given time because each love is individual and special to that person. And the love we get in return can't be compared because that is unique to the person loving us.

Keep moving forward. If you need to contact this person and "clear the air" then do so, but do it from a position of strength within yourself and discuss how you felt, not what you thought he felt. You can tell him how hurt you were from his actions, but how you now recognize that he was following his heart and that you weren't a part of that. He can never argue with how you feel. But if you try to tell him how he should feel or was feeling, then the conversation can go downhill really quickly.

It is easier to leave things on a peaceful basis rather than have it degrade into a shouting match, or get to the point where you resent him. Because if you do that, then you basically wipe off the last 7 years of your life as being a waste.

Thanx. Sounds like I also needed to hear that

[effy2014]

Claret, as usual, gave you excellent advice. Let me add a comment about "closure".

There are many types of closure. If you can achieve closure by communicating your hurt feelings and the reasons for those feelings, then do that. Whether you can do this in a face to face meeting, by telephone or by writing a letter or email, is up to you. It is not lowering yourself to express your hurt feelings. The need for closure is understandable.

However, most people need something from the other person to obtain closure. You may need an acknowledgment from your boyfriend that it wasn't your fault, that he fell out of love or something else. The need for this kind of closure is emotionally dangerous because it is up to the other person to give it. My SO needed this from her ex-husband and chased it for 3 years before she realized that he was never going to give her that closure. She had to find it on her own.

You both were very young when you began to date and are still very young. Take Claret's advice and cherish the great times and experience that this relationship provided to you. Take your time to grieve, but know that the grieving will end and you will move on. You will find other relationships. This relationship ended either because your boyfriend would not stand up to his parents (which would have eventually ended the relationship or made it intolerable) or he found someone else. He was therefore not the one.

Best wishes to you.

[Baboy]

You were treated shabbily. I suspect there was more than parental intermeddling involved, but you may never know. It's not really important to know, so spare yourself searching in vain for answers. Perhaps your bf simply lacked the emotional maturity to deal with ending the relationship with a modicum of sensitivity. Perhaps he was not good husband material after all.

You were rather young to have embarked on a permanent relationship. Hearing this now won't make you feel a whole lot better, but with the healing powers of time, you'll come to see it differently.

In the end, I cannot really improve upon the cogent advice imparted by Claret. Go forward, strengthened by this experience.

[rcoreyus]

This is incredibly difficult but it will pass. You say that you don't have your own identity - and you should. For all the pain of this, the one positive thing is that now you can develop your own identity. You never need to lose that, you keep your identity even when you are in a long term relationship.

[jen1447]

I'm going to come at this a bit differently, zmmo ....

6 months later i still have a million things i needed to tell him and he never gave me the chance too. i also dont think he was telling the complete truth about his parents , i felt mabye another girl was involved. and i also never got that resolved . i feel he left me hanging

Let me guess - this left you saying those things to your pillow instead, since just because he's not there to hear it doesn't mean you don't need to say it, and you end up rehearsing the things you'd say in your head over and over, but you never actually get to tell anyone. You're right, there's no resolution or closure there.

should i call to ask to see him ? because we cut ties and i just really need this closure and im not sure if i will get it from seeing him or not , and im not sure if its just me WANTING to see him again . and also if i call him , i feel like im lowering from myself if you know what i mean. i just wish he would call and ask to see me , to ask about me , but he didnt , not even once and it really hurts to know he can throw out 7 years like that and i just really need to talk to him again.

He slammed the door on you. That sucks. You wonder how someone who was so close could just turn away and be so cold.

as i mentioned before , i knew him for 7 years and im 21 now , it means i knew him for all my teenage life and i feel he is a part of me now that cant go away. in anything i do or think or say hes there and i think what would he think if i did this or that . i dont have my own identity . it was ALWAYS associated with him. and i dont know what I want to do and what i dont want to do . i know it may sound weird. but its like hes with me everywhere i go and in everything i do. and i dont know who i am without him.

You felt like you were about half the same person. You knew what he was thinking, he knew what you were thinking, kind of like twins in a way. It was like you were plugged into each other. And then your twin is gone, just like that, only you're still listening for his voice and waiting for him to play his part because you don't just shut that kind of thing off.

the first month we broke up , i slept alot , by alot i mean i would be awake for about 2-5 hours only a day. and in those hours all i would do was cry. this went on for about a month . i was seriously depressed and just wanted to run away from everything , i didnt want to face anything or anyone. i didnt want to see the places we went to , i didnt want to see his picture in my wallet , i didnt want to notice the absence of his messages on my phone. the problem was i live with my sister in a dorm and so do all my freinds . and they all started to get worried and wanted to get me help . and i REALLY didnt want that . so i started doing things i didnt want to do just so they can think im doing fine. like making a facebook , and meeting people , and celebrating my birthday. but inside every day till this day , i wish i would sleep and just not wake up . but i get up and do all these stupid things, i dont want to do when the only thing i want to do is cry and sleep and call him. and what sucks even more , is that when i do these things , i feel this sense of shame ( as i said before , what he thinks of me is always in my head ) that im out and doing stuff when we only broke up 6 months ago. i just wish he would know that till now i would give everything god gave me and will give me when he left , just to have him back.
so my thrid question is: should i continoue to act like this for my sister and my friends, or should i just do what i want and take my time with the greifing part ?

Life just didn't have as much to offer, right? Why not sleep and be out of it as much as possible. But everyone else is still expecting you to go on like life is normal, and if you don't you feel guilty in a strange way, and maybe even oddly embarrassed like you're the center of attraction in a black comedy or a disaster movie and you'd really rather just fall back into the shadows.

I had much the same thing happen to me with my first BF way back almost 20 years ago hon. You're right, it sucks, and it will continue to suck, and nothing anyone can say will ever make it not suck or not be wrong. You have to suffer, there's just no other way to go about it. The only piece of light I can offer you is the fact of who I am today. Truth is, over time, we all move on whether we want to or not, and even whether we try to or not. We forget. You'll never forget who he was or what he meant to you or what he did to you, but the impact will slowly lessen until one day you'll wake up and realize that he wasn't the first thing you thought about that day. That day will be the end of the end and the beginning of the beginning. It'll come.