[Claret]

I have been with my fella for near on 10 years. I was very young when we met (he is 16 years older) and I was going through a very hard time. He was there for me when no one else was, without asking for anything in return. As an admiring 21 year old on the rebound I thought I had fallen in love with him so we began dating

I think you probably confused feelings of being rescued and saved with feelings of love. This can be a very common misconception on the part of a younger partner in a relationship. I know this is exactly what happened to me.

My ex and I met under the same type of circumstances. I kept thinking "what do I know?" or "one day my body will kick in" but it never did. For me two children later, I was living with a gambling alcoholic so it seemed easy to leave at that time. I've looked back on my relationship and marriage to him and have finally figured out what it was I was looking for at that time. What I finally figured out was that I was looking for someone to take care of me. When I realized that I had been taking care of him, I knew it was time to cut the cord.

You may have been looking for your saviour but now that it turns out that you have grown to the point where you don't need saving anymore, you don't necessarily need him. You've missed years of being with people your own age, years in which you could formulate and shape your view of the world, not his view of the world.

On the other hand, you say he's been good to you and for you. You've had the security you seemed to have needed and you had the partner in life. What you haven't had is sexual encounters with younger more fit men. You haven't had what you consider to be an attractive man make love to you. You wonder if it would make a difference.

Obviously I think it would make a difference because sex can be more mental and emotionally charged than physically charged at times. You are 31, you've missed out years with your peers. I would think that if you were to do anything about this situation (such as leaving him) you'd best do it sooner rather than later.

Let us know what you think.

[atskitty2]

I don't mean to over-simplify, as I know it's very involved & difficult for you, but the bottom line is, as I see it, that you have to eventually begin living your life for yourself, and to please yourself, nobody else.

I suggest you get out & think really hard about your future. And some good counseling to set you on the right path will be very helpful for you.

[Motorguy]

I have been with my fella for near on 10 years. I was very young when we met (he is 16 years older) and I was going through a very hard time. He was there for me when no one else was, without asking for anything in return. As an admiring 21 year old on the rebound I thought I had fallen in love with him so we began dating.

Even in the very early months of our relationship, the sexual side of things felt forced, for me anyway. I felt like it was something I, as a girlfriend, SHOULD be doing, rather than something I wanted to be. He is not my type at all physically. I can’t remember one sexual encounter with him where I wasn’t thinking “Ok, let’s get this over with”.

As the years have gone on I’ve come to realise that as much as I love being with him, the moment he touches me intimately, I am repulsed. My feelings for him are purely platonic and possibly always have been. We just 6 months ago bought an apartment together, on a 30 year lease. A brainless decision on my part, knowing that even before we purchased I was unsure about the relationship. I have always had major issues with expressing my true feelings to people; I would rather live a lie to keep them happy than tell them the truth and break their heart. Ironically I know, in the end, this is hurting them (and me) a whole lot more. He loves me SO much and I do love him too, just not in the way I know I should.

I want to cry every time someone says “Why don’t you try spicing things up?”. They DON’T GET that it’s impossible to spice something up that was never there in the first place.

I see now that what I thought was love was really admiration and gratitude and that we should have never gone further than being friends (we were GREAT friends), but being a dependent serial monogamist back then, I jumped straight in.

He has made me the person I am and I feel indebted to him. I can’t imagine my life without him but I don’t want to be his girlfriend anymore. I don’t know what the hell to do. They say being with your best friend is amazing, but is it… really? When they are literally JUST your best FRIEND?

Well Chan, you living this lie is only making it worse not better. Why be in a relationship if you repulse by this guy while having sex this is mind boggling to say the least. This is not a way to live for you or him, You need to end this now and move on tell this boy friend to buy you out of the apartment and move on and be happy with someone in every way of a relationship from friendship to loving making. If you can't have all that then you not living a quality life but just going through the motion and that's it nothing else. Do the right thing you know this is wrong for both of you life is way to short to deal with this.So good luck with your decision on what ever you do god bless you Chan.

[Chan]

What a great website this is. Everyone is so helpful without being judgmental or rude. Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.