[emill91]

Background story... [before]
I have been together with my army men for around 4 months. To say the least we have been through some hard times and great times. He has made my life so much better, complete as I have for him. He went away to see his family for 2 months and we were both really excited to be reunited once again. Then before I got the chance to see him he calls me up and sees that he can't be with me any more because he is going into the field all year and doesn't think it is fair on me. He also admitted to still having feelings for me and told me he missed me when he was away. I then told him that I would wait however long it would take but he would not allow it. I know he is trying to protect me, trying to make me move on without him except... I can't move on without him, I have lost the only thing in my life that made me truly happy.

I told him that I wanted to see him and we could talk and maybe he might change his mind, it should be a decision we make together. He then told me that seeing each other won't change anything. Honestly I don't think it is fair that he is deciding my life for me, all I want is to be with him.

I messaged him the day after trying to be good about his decision and told him I still wanted him to be apart of my life even if it is just as friends but he never replied.

****

So he cut me out of his life I guess to focus on the army. The last time I was in contact with him was about 3-4 months ago to see if he would ever want to see each other and catch up whenever he gets back he replied with why and never gave me an answer which would have made this so much easier. So the whole friend tactic failed..

and now I'm at this stage..

I still care about my ex for some stupid reason. Everytime I hear something on the news or hear things I have to listen in, I'm constantly worrying even though I shouldn't care anymore. He ended it because apparently he didnt want me to wait for him because he didnt think it was fair.. whether there is more to the story than that he never told me. I waited and he left and wouldnt even see me so why do I still care for someone who wants me to cut them out of their life and vise versa

I'm trying really hard to move on and let others in but my heart still wants what it wants I haven't tried contacting him in three or so months after the last time. I know how lame and pathetic this is I just need some guidance. How do I just leave it in the past? Why does part of me think he will come back when I know he won't.

I think it might have something to do with me never finding out the whole truth but I know I will never get that closure so what can I do? - It ended like 6-7 months ago!

Sorry its so long!! I need advice its driving me crazy.. I think he gets back from the field this week.

[effy2014]

You answered your own question and it is completely understandable. It is very difficult to move on without some closure. You still believe that he was protecting you rather then dumping you and that, once returned from the field, he may want to be reunited.

When you think he is back, there is no reason not to try to,contact him again. Explain what you wrote in your post . . . you do not want to seem pathetic, but his goodbye seemed protective to you. All you want is closure (in essence, if you wanted to break up, just be a man and do that).

Be prepared for disappointment and you probably should have moved on. I would also take a non-answer as an answer that he is no longer interested. But I understand the attachment to what you had and want back. Best wishes to you.

[Claret]

I'm looking at this with a second set of eyes apart from you and him. What I see is a man that tried to let you down easy. I would imagine that right from the start he has had someone else and that when he went away to see his family, he was probably trying to decide whether or not there was any future with you. It appears not. I know many men (and women) that are in or entered the Army. It is not an all consuming time following the initial boot camp. That is, unless he is officer material in which case he would probably be in school getting his degree that would allow him to take command.

You hadn't invested all that much time in the relationship and although it probably hurts, he is right. Move on - he already has. He's cut ties with you and obviously doesn't want to communicate with you. Take the high road. Act with class, don't demean yourself by calling anymore, or texting. Hold your head up high, continue on with your life as if he didn't impact it. You will be surprised at how powerful this can make you look.

[Little]

Waiting for a partner is not as romantic as it is made out to be. It is not fun for the person at home, obviously, but it is also not fun for the partner in the military. Your ex is right that it is unfair, but he probably skewed it more as unfair for you to make it make sense. In the US military specifically, there is a lot of instruction from higher-ranked individuals concerning relationships - "DON'T get married, DON'T get a girlfriend, she WILL cheat on you," etc. They hear it over and over. And they don't just hear it - they see it. It's like being a pin in a bowling game, watching your buddies get knocked down and rolled over, month after month, year after year.

I sympathize with you - it is indeed unfair for him to decide your future for you, if that's what he was doing. But you should really assume that he was making himself out to be the "good guy" for letting you go when he actually had his own interests in mind just as much.

Your problems in moving on likely have something to do with the cleanliness of the breakup - there was no deal-breaker, no problem in your eyes, no fighting or working together to make it seem like you tried everything. But realize that you did try everything and that he simply isn't available right now or in the near future.

[jen1447]

Two things jump out at me here, aside from the stuff others have already mentioned, and they're both just general truths. First, when romances fizzle for only one partner, it seems like an unavoidable consequence that for the out-of-love partner, the other is not just devalued but becomes thought of as rather stupid. (Sorry, I'm not saying you are, just making a point.) That's why you can have people patronizing you with stories like his when he should know that you're smarter than to just buy it. But it happens all the time - when the love runs out, you're also viewed as dumb. It's either that or you're just not worth a terrible lot of effort to cook up a convincing story for. (Never mind that the truth is the only genuinely convincing story.)

The other thing is a psychological fact - the hardest intellectual challenges to overcome in life are things for which you have or can get no answer. One of the most fundamental cravings of humanity is to know "why." When you don't know that, you're left guessing, sometimes eternally so, because there's no resolution to an open-ended question. That's why it's one of the cruelest things a person can do to another by dumping them without a reason, or a believable reason. "I'm washing my hair the next 6 months" is not a believable reason. Without that answer you're left concocting theories of your own, which is enough to drive anybody nuts. It's no wonder out-of-love people do this so often tho as relates to the first thing - the still-in-love partner is devalued and dumb in their eyes, so to them, blowing them off is fine and even a bit generous if they went to the trouble of cooking up the inane story.

A good (if extreme) example to illustrate the second thing is parents of kidnapped children who never return. Those people are basically ****ed for life because there is no moving on. The never know the why or what answers. Even having their kids die is better than not knowing because at least then they have the answer. Knowing what/why is the first step to moving on. Those people never do. They're forever stuck with that loss in the present.

[effy2014]

^^ What a great analysis.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I do agree with Little as we have read these stories before quiet a few times on WH over the years.

One thing that has occurred, is after their return, they ask questions about you around the town. If they find you never moved on, ever, in any way shape and form, some have re-entered the relationship and gone on.

I don't know if I would accept such a proposition knowing it was more like a test than anything else.

It's a shame that men can't believe a woman would be faithful but I imagine it would be like a man going away with a bunch of ladies for 6 months and our minds have to decide if he will cheat or not. Stay or leave, though usually we stay and get hurt or not.