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I hate being this insecure

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  • I hate being this insecure

    Yikes, this is long. Excuse the book report, but I just wanted to put down everything I was feeling.

    Okay, I've been with my boyfriend for a year and almost four months now. He's such a sweet, and loving guy. The thing is, is that I'm extremely insecure. I'm a curvy girl. I love being curvy, but I do have my moments. I sometimes think he thinks I'm fat, even though he says that my body is perfect and he wouldn't change a single thing about me. I have been told I have a hot body, but thanks to our society, I sometimes have a hard time seeing it, though most days I do. I'm a size 12-14, at 5'7" which I"m honestly fine with, and I do love that I have hips and thick thighs. Before I met my boyfriend, I was doing the online dating thing, and going out on dates with a good number of guys, and they all thought I was great looking. I didn't really have any body issues or anything, and felt very confident. Now that I'm together with my boyfriend, I have become extremely insecure. His family is all skinny, and his brothers bring home these skinny girls, and I feel like I weigh more than anybody at the family gatherings. All of this has made me believe that he really wants a skinny girl, but is settling for me. He tells me over and over that that's not true, and that I'm the sexiest woman in the world to him and that nobody can ever compare to me, no matter who they are. I know him, and I know he's telling the truth, but still I just get worried. I always accuse him of checking out other girls, and sometimes cheating. He tells me he really doesn't look at anyone, and I have seen for myself that he doesn't (like watching what he does from a distance when he hasn't seen me come back from a bathroom or trash can or something), even if a really hot girl walks by him. When I saw it, I really couldn't believe it. He also reassures me that he would never hurt me like that, and doesn't even want to. I'm learning to accept it, and am getting better, but I used to be horrible. Pointing out every single girl no matter where we were. I honestly believe that he doesn't, but it seems like it's almost comforting to believe that he does look, or would cheat on me. I don't even get why, and I find it strange. What makes it worse, is that his family has noticed and has even sat him down to talk about it. He didn't tell them anything, just listened to what they had to say. I'm mortified, even if it was only his mom and aunt. I've always hated that I did it, and every time I did, I would tell myself to stop because I'm being horrible, but I just couldn't. He's always with me whenever he has spare time from work and school (and home since his mom hates that he would rather spend time with me and has him home on certain weekdays), so it's not like I really have any reason to believe he would cheat on me or anything. I know it annoys him, but he sticks with me and tells me everything is okay, and that he's always here for me. He always reassures me that he doesn't check out anyone, because he doesn't even care about anyone else no matter what they're wearing or not wearing, or what they're doing because I'm all he needs. For some reason, that's not good enough, and I hate it. Like I said, I'm getting better, and am learning to believe him, because I can always tell when he lies, and it never happens when he tells me these things. He also swears on his life, and is even willing to bet his whole family's life on it. Even though I'm making progress, I still give him stuff about it. How do I stop torturing him?

  • I can't really touch any psychological issues you may have (not being a psychologist), but I'll just say that a lot of women would kill to be in your shoes. You have a guy who convincingly wants nothing more than you, just the way you are, and who doesn't seem to have any other significant baggage. That's amazing.

    I guess all I can do is shout at you to stop being silly, but I know that's not a magic bullet. One practical suggestion tho - ease up on him about looking at other women. It's completely natural for people to look at other people, and it's actually a little weird if you have him so cowed that he's convinced himself to always look away. That's not necessary for him to still be totally committed to you.

    My BF's free to ogle whoever he wants, and so am I. I'll even beat him to the punch with attractive women sometimes, and we compare notes on how much we appreciate them or what we find hot about them. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. I know you and I aren't the same person, just trying to illustrate the point that it's possible.
    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

    Comment


    • That is true, and I know. I have eased up on him though. Even before I showed any jealousy issues, I pointed out a girl I thought was hot, and he was like "Wasn't even paying attention" and when I showed confusion, that's when he told me he didn't look at other girls. That's actually what started my insecurity issues with him, which is quite strange. It was when I thought he did that I was confident and didn't even say anything or care, but the second he told me he didn't at all and had no desire to because he had me, that's when I got all psycho girlfriend on him. I didn't even have him so cowed up that he had to convince himself to look away. He really just didn't look, and told me so. Even when we were just friends, I pointed out a hot girl and he was like "Don't care." I should have added that in my first post.

      I look at/check out girls all the time, and he's always like "I don't care. I have you."

      Also should have added that I should believe him because I am the same way when it comes to other guys. Before, I used to check out guys all the time, but since I got together with him, I don't even care about other guys or even check them out.

      Haha, I yell at myself about it all the time, because I know I'm being silly. Thank you for your reply

      Comment


      • I know that it is difficult to just turn off your insecurities. It is clear that you trust him and that he is a trustworthy guy. As Jen wrote, you really are fortunate.

        Understand that men like all body types -- rail thin women are not every man's dream. A good part of the insecurity is you getting comfortable with you -- curves and all. From your other posts, you are headed in the right direction. When you get the urge to go psycho GF, try to have the rational part of you think "he is really just that into me."
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

        Comment


        • I agree with effy - repeating phrases can actually be effective when you're trying to convince yourself of something right at the moment of truth.
          [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

          Comment


          • That is true effy. I guess I just noticed his brothers' girlfriends and even his female family members, and was like "...wait..." but yeah, that's true. We all like something different. It's funny because I know all this stuff. Thank you for your responses. I'll definitely remind myself over and over that he is telling the truth. Thank you, you guys. Hearing it from somebody else always helps

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            • ^^ That is why we all contribute to this forum. It is a great place for a "sanity check".
              "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

              Comment


              • Midnight, sometimes a girl with a few extra pounds can be extremely hot. In high school I had a really huge crush on a curvy girl. I saw her again a few times in my early twenties and she was just as hot. You're going to have to learn to just deal with the fact that he finds you really hot... sorry
                [B]"Are you serious? You're [i]bleeping[/I] THAT girl?"[/B][B] - [COLOR="#B22222"]jen1447[/COLOR][/B]

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                • As the others have said:

                  (1) Don't get your knickers in a twist about him looking at other women. It simply shows that he's a guy and is still alive. All guys do it. Some are more adept at concealing it from their SOs. Perhaps some reign it in more than others, but still indulge. I have been with my wife for more than 10 years. I look at other women. I look, but I would never consider making it more than a look. My wife is the one I have chosen to be with and nothing will interfere with that. She looks at guys, although I look at women more. Nothing wrong with appreciating someone attractive.

                  (2) If he tells you he's happy with the way you are, believe him. Do you have any basis on which to doubt him otherwise? Is he an habitual liar? If he is not, then trust him.

                  From what you have said, it seems reasonable to surmise that the way you look now is the way you looked when you met your bf. It is not the case, unless I have seriously misapprehended your words, that your body has changed radically since you first got together. In short, he was attracted to you sufficiently at the outset to regard you as good gf material, so why would that change? What caught his eye and drew him to you then was that beautiful curvaceous body you possess. Nothing has changed except, as you point out, your baseless insecurities have come to the fore.

                  SA commented on how many guys find curvy girls hot. I count myself among them. I recall so well, as a university student, being in a university library when one of the women staffers walked by. I had noticed her from my first visit to the library. By almost any yardstick, she was far from skinny, but absolutely sexy and beautiful. One day as she passed, my companion noticed my eyes following her. I commented on her attractiveness. I was somewhat surprised when he said, in a quite matter-of-fact and sincere tone: "Nah, too skinny." He meant it, for sure. To him, she needed more curves to meet his view of feminine attractiveness. So not all guys seek the skinny types.

                  On that same note, I have from time to time found attractive some less curvy women. I can appreciate quite a diverse range (here I am studiously avoiding resort to the word "wide" to modify "range", given the topic). In an office setting once upon a time, in the company of a fellow worker, I openly admired a woman who was slim and, to me, attractive. On that occasion, my co-worker commented that she was not attractive to him, saying, somewhat colorfully, that sex with her would be like sex with a "sack full of antlers".

                  Quit worrying!
                  I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by midnightwishes View Post
                    That is true, and I know. I have eased up on him though. Even before I showed any jealousy issues, I pointed out a girl I thought was hot, and he was like "Wasn't even paying attention" and when I showed confusion, that's when he told me he didn't look at other girls. That's actually what started my insecurity issues with him, which is quite strange. It was when I thought he did that I was confident and didn't even say anything or care, but the second he told me he didn't at all and had no desire to because he had me, that's when I got all psycho girlfriend on him. I didn't even have him so cowed up that he had to convince himself to look away. He really just didn't look, and told me so. Even when we were just friends, I pointed out a hot girl and he was like "Don't care." I should have added that in my first post.

                    I look at/check out girls all the time, and he's always like "I don't care. I have you."

                    Also should have added that I should believe him because I am the same way when it comes to other guys. Before, I used to check out guys all the time, but since I got together with him, I don't even care about other guys or even check them out.

                    Haha, I yell at myself about it all the time, because I know I'm being silly. Thank you for your reply
                    Well Midnight i been married 27 years to a beautiful women. But me my wife marriage is rock solid she knows i look at women all the time if I wasn't she would think i was sick and I would be. Plus she checking out other guys and women being she bi too. So we will go to the mall sit out at Star bucks out in the mall and have coffee and just say you see that lady or that guy and comment on them it's fun with your spouse. I know my wife my loves me and i love her. What i am saying we very secure in are marriage with each other.But nothing wrong with looking it's only natural us guys are completely wire differently then women always have been and will be.
                    When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

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