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I can't get over my ex?

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  • I can't get over my ex?

    Me and my boyfriend broke up a month ago, and I can't get over him. I know a month is still short, but every day I feel like absolute crap and although I'm not depressed, I'm not happy either. I'm kind of just constantly in the dumps, and I'm not my old happy self that my friends are used to. It was a mutual break up due to distance (he was going to be moving across the country), so we decided to break up a few months before he left so we'd have time to get over it and be friends before he left. We didn't want to do long distance because we can't stand being apart for just a few days, and we just felt like it wouldn't work (not sure why we thought this, looking back now, we should have just given it a go). Although we broke up, we still liked each other - we basically forced ourselves to not be with each other, and it was so extremely painful and hard because whenever I saw him at school I would just begin crying. Two weeks after we broke up, he began dating another girl. He never told me or asked me about it, and although I asked him if he could stop or hold off talking to her so much because it hurt me, he essentially didn't listen because he wanted to do what was best for himself and didn't really care what I thought because what I was asking him to do came from an ex's POV (well yeah, duh.) I was extremely upset. I felt angry, betrayed, hurt, crushed, and confused. He is dating another girl when we broke up because he is leaving. He said he didn't think what he was doing was right for me, but it was right for him and he had no regrets. He came back to California this year. We were best friends for 3/4 months, then dated for 7 months (the longest he's ever dated someone), I really loved him, and he told me we were the closest he's ever been with someone emotionally and physically. All in all, I just don't understand him and how he could just toss me aside for a girl he just met after we broke up, and how he could just not care about how I felt or what I thought. We talked it out, so there was closure, but I was extremely angry and afterwards I told him we couldn't be friends after this, so now we're not even on a talking friends basis anymore.

    I've cried myself out, gone out with friends, talked it out with my friends, ranted, screamed, cried more. I've already unfriended him on Facebook because I thought having him out of sight and out of mind would help. But every day, every single day, he is on my mind. When I sleep at night, I lay in bed and he is all I can think about. I'm not exactly reminiscing about our happy times, but so much trying to process how he could do what he did. I think about how happy he must be with his new girlfriend, how that girl could be me. It sounds bad, and even though I try not to, I can't help but feel resentful of the girl.

    I know it's only been a month since we broke up but do you guys have advice on how to move on? I know time will help, but I'm so frustrated and hate feeling like this all the time. I've told myself that I'm done with him, that he's a dck. I wake up and I tell myself, "Alright we can do this." I've involved myself in activities and hobbies. I always have the urge to text him and say hi and just be friends, but then I remind myself not to because clearly he has moved on and I don't even know if he cares about me at all anymore. I remind myself how much he hurt me and how if I don't want to be hurt again, to not talk to him. I will only take even longer to let go. I tell myself I don't need him, that I'll meet new people and forget about him. But all this is killing me. I miss him, I can't stop thinking about him. I want to talk to him and be friends, but there's always this voice in my head telling me "Don't, you care more than he does, look how much he hurt you, he doesn't deserve to talk to you, that's a blow to your own self-respect if you talk to him, he didn't care what you thought when he chose to date her, but now he cares because he wants you as a friend still" Whenever I think about him it's half missing him, half anger and betrayal. Am I crazy? I don't know what to do. How do I stop feeling so angry and betrayed. How do I stop all the regretful thoughts about how we should have just chosen to keep dating, how that girl could be me. How do I let go and move on, because feeling like this kills me and I want it to stop.

  • Dear sillyand confused,

    I don't think you need to feel silly and/or confused. Actually, it seems you have a clear view of things. You know it will take time and you won't feel too good until that time has passed.

    You mention being in school and I am guessing you are quite young and you have not been through many breakups. Your situation is one every one goes through, usually more than once. My saying that won't make it better, but reading others' tales and how they coped just might. I have to get back to work and I cannot write a lot at the moment. Use the search feature and you'll turn up plenty of stories like yours.

    Below is a link to a recent thread here on WH. It was started by a woman whose husband left her for another woman. That was a much longer and more committed (ostensibly) relationship. She writes lucidly about the feelings she experienced. She too was having difficulty coping. Much of the commentary and advice received I think would apply to you. I commend it to you as reading material. Particularly relevant is Jen's post (#11 on the thread, as I recall), referring to a breakup long ago and how it took her 8 or 9 months "to see thought the fog". You too will get through the fog.

    https://www.womens-health.com/boards...28-affair.html
    I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

    Comment


    • Hey hon.

      I get the feeling that as you were intimate if I am correct, that, that side of him still wanted attention and dating someone, well the next step is that.

      You said he is going away, so she isn't replacing you as a whole package, rather fulfilling a need I think.

      He could have "tried" to continue here and there with you, just in that department he didn't. He said he knew it was wrong for you but not for him.

      It may sound selfish on his behalf, but from what you have described you two were in-seperatable yet, this is just a thing for the time being until he moves.

      I guess that's all I can offer you, it's really difficult when you fall for someone but strangely this happens more than once in a lifetime, often for some, so there will be someone bigger/better and greater.

      See her not as a whole, what you two had was a whole.
      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

      Comment


      • The. Incomparable BaBoy is correct. It will take time to get over the hurt. You made the best decision for you to break up with him because you saw no future for the two of you. Long distance relationships are extremely difficult. I am surprised that you didn't wait until he left to break up, but the two of you decided to do it ahead of time. Frankly speaking, you created this problem.

        He really isn't a bad person and it is very likely that he still has feelings for you. Here are the facts as I understand them. The two of you broke up. You were going to be friends, but never again boyfriend and girlfriend. There was never an agreement that the two of you would never date before he left -- that was something you expected but there was never an agreement to that.

        He did not reject you. He did not toss you aside for the other girl. You "rejected" each other. He just moved on with his life. Why did you think he would ask his ex-girlfriend for permission to date?

        In another thread, one of our very bright female posters, Jen, wrote that closure is so much more important than any of us realizes. You need closure. It seems to me that you need to hear from him that he would not have "dumped you" (which is how you feel regardless of the facts) if the two of you were still dating. You need him to say that he didn't date her as a better alternative to you. Ordinarily, when people break up, it is impossible to get this kind of closure. However, since the two of you are friends,he may be willing to have this kind of discussion.

        Think about what you need to,have closure and talk to him. It will help you in the long run.
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

        Comment


        • Master effy is, as is his wont, also correct here.

          Your bf is not really a bad person. As effy pointed out, you "rejected" each other. You made a mutual decision to part company. Alas, you are taken aback by the swiftness with which he was able to move on. But, having broken up, he was a free agent. You are mourning the loss of the relationship and I think you expected him to suffer along with you, in solidarity.

          While perhaps a bit of mutual martyrdom would have been comforting, it was not to be. It's time for you to join him. Do your best to get back in the game. Yes, you are grieving the end of the relationship. That is quite natural and yes, there is pain. Perhaps you are thinking it would have been better to have attempted to maintain a long distance relationship. But, you cannot now take back the decision made. As well, my sense of it is that it probably was the right decision. Sometimes couple have to face it, that their relationship is not one destined to be forever.

          Please read the thread to which I referred you, and others like it. It offers thoughts that should help you understand your current feelings, how to deal with them, and how they will pass.

          Pls. come back once in awhile and let us know how you are doing. There are a lot of caring people here, with lots of experience and, if not much else, they can offer a shoulder on which to cry. But please limit the crying! You'll be fine.
          I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

          Comment


          • Yes we broke up because he is going away. He didn’t want to have any more emotional attachments before he left because that’d make things harder. He said that if things were going well at the end of summer, they would do long distance. I asked him why he could do long distance with her, but not me, and he genuinely said he does not know why. That’s why this confuses me so much and makes me so frustrated.

            Comment


            • Effy – true, I’ve heard long distance is difficult. It’s sad, sometimes you meet the best people but they’re just so far away huh? And as for the facts – yes, we planned on being friends; he kept telling me he wanted to stay best friends, in fact. We agreed and cleared it up that it was a clean break, we wouldn’t date again. And no, there actually was an agreement we wouldn’t date before he left. Originally, right after we broke up, I tried to convince him to date over summer still because I realized it would be a good idea and I really wanted him back, but he didn’t want to bc he thought if we had to break up again it would break him. I let it go afterwards. I'm less angry and hurt that he's dating someone else. If he had "asked my permission to date someone", I would have let him. It's less that. It's just that considering why we broke up and that it was mutual, I had hoped he'd try to hurt me a little less and hold off a bit at least, for my sake. I'm sad and upset that he could care so little about how I felt.

              As for closure – we actually did have a long talk, and it was closure I'd say. He did tell me that we would still be dating if he wasn’t leaving. But even though I guess that's what I wanted to hear, it doesn't help. In fact, I just feel even more regretful and sad thinking about it.

              Comment


              • Baboy - you’re right. My boyfriend ISN’T a bad person. I’m just shocked and hurt that he could move on so fast. I’m hurt and angry that he didn’t care how I felt about him dating someone so soon, that he didn’t try to minimize the hurt at all. Everytime I see his name around or his new girlfirend’s I regret that we didn’t choose to just keep dating. Especially because we didn’t break up because it wasn’t working or we fought, etc. I can’t help feeling betrayed and angry. We broke up because he wanted to avoid emotional attachments before he left, because of the distance, yet he goes and dates someone now? I'm so confused and I can't understand. He knew how hard it was for me, how could he do this?
                We’re actually not friends right now. After he told me they were dating, I flipped my ****************, said all sorts of mean things to him, told him I didn’t want to talk to him again, which I feel bad about and I know I shouldn't have lowered myself to say such bad things. I apologized later. But under the anger, I’m really just more hurt. I miss him, and I want him back in my life, even if just as a friend, but it hurts so bad to watch as he moved on to someone else like this.

                My question is, am I just overthinking this? Am I wrong to feel so angry and betrayed, or am I just butthurt (at the very essence, all other facts aside) that he moved on so quickly without a care what I thought? Am I taking it too far and over reacting? Does he deserve this / is what he did exactly wrong? I want to talk to him, but there's this voice that just keeps saying he doesn't care, even though I know he still wants to be friends. Should I talk to him? Just as friends, I won't try and get him back or anything. UGH, I'm so lost.

                Comment


                • I think it would have been better for you if you had let the relationship die naturally when it became a LDR. Who knows, it might have survived. By just quitting, it left you without closure. It also left him with enough time to go out with another girl which is making you feel even worse. Letting a relationship die naturally provides reasons why it cannot survive and those help with the closure. Fighting for the relationship also provides reasons why or why not. Maybe you should get mad at him for misleading you.
                  I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                  ...
                  Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                  From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                  Comment


                  • jns - you're absolutely right. that's exactly what I'm thinking now. That's what I mean when I feel regret - we should have just kept dating, broken up more "normally" for closure. Because even though he managed to move on, I still like him. I can't tell myself things like "He cheated, it wasn't working, he wasn't a good person, etc." because our relationship went smoothly and it was great. But it's too late and saying all that doesn't help, choices were made and what's done is done. But this is exactly why I feel so terrible. Even though we were very close and I think he genuinely did care for me a lot, I can't shake the feeling that I'm worthless, after dating him for over half a year I wasn't really worth that much if he could move on so fast. How can I shake these feelings, because as you said, I can't give myself reasons - if he wasn't leaving, we'd still be dating.
                    and what do you mean by "misleading" me? During the relationship, or afterwards? I don't think he was misleading me during the relationship. We really did break up for distance. And I AM angry that he "misled" me afterwards. I'm angry that he could just leave like this. I'm angry that he thought we could just stay friends so easily when at the same time he dates anther girl 2 weeks after.

                    Comment


                    • By agreeing to the agreement you two came to, you misled yourself and your ex misled you. Since he turned everything around in two weeks, I somehow think that his path was planned. Just my opinion.
                      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                      ...
                      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by sillyandconfused View Post
                        My question is, am I just overthinking this? Am I wrong to feel so angry and betrayed, or am I just butthurt (at the very essence, all other facts aside) that he moved on so quickly without a care what I thought? Am I taking it too far and over reacting? Does he deserve this / is what he did exactly wrong? I want to talk to him, but there's this voice that just keeps saying he doesn't care, even though I know he still wants to be friends. Should I talk to him? Just as friends, I won't try and get him back or anything. UGH, I'm so lost.
                        In my view, you "under thought" the breakup and made an "after breakup" plan that was unrealistic. Just as most guys don't understand women, you don't understand guys. It's not your fault, you are just very young. You made the decision to break up . . . which you never really wanted to do . . . and then immediately began to backslide. There may have been an agreement that the two of you wouldn't date again, but there doesn't appear to be an agreement than neither of you wouldn't find other partners.

                        Let me give you the guys perspective. I think he followed your lead. You were certain the breakup was the right thing to do and he agreed. After the breakup, he is alone. The breakup was just as hard on him as it was on you. But the romantic relationship with you is over for him. Done. You said so. No dating you again, just best friends.

                        You wanted him to be like you . . . so distraught that he couldn't think about another girl but you for months, even years. Anything less would be a betrayal to what you had. Guys don't think that way. As a generalization, we believe that the best way to get over a relationship is to have another one. Quickly. He never thought of it as a betrayal because the two of you were done. He saw the clean break that you didn't and assumed he was free to do anything he wanted. When you wigged out, he must have thought that you were the most irrational person in the world. You didn't want him but you also didn't want him to want someone else. Any guy would say "huh" ?

                        A relationship fell into his lap and he didn't want to be alone. Simple as that. If you had told him BEFORE the breakup that you wanted to try a LDR, he would have agreed. But you didn't. Then you did. He properly feared another "then you didn't".

                        This is a great learning experience, as hurtful as it is emotionally. Guys don't react the way you want us to. Set us free, we look for someone else because we hate to be alone. It's not a reflection on you or the relationship or not caring. It's how we are constructed.
                        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                        Comment


                        • Effy - Hm, thanks for giving me the guy's perspective. Although he explained to me very clearly everything, I think I was too emotional and biased to see how he felt rationally. Although I wasn't exactly certain "the breakup was the right thing to do", it was the choice we came to mutually. He told me he consciously pushed himself to move on after I got mad at him, and he realized there was little chance we'd stay friends, so he decided to continue talking with her. So what you said makes sense - he got it into his head better than I did that we're done. Completely. But that last part, you said I didn't want him but I didn't want him to want someone else - the thing is, I DID want him. He knew I wanted him and would take him back. But I guess he just moved on very quickly. Add in me freaking out at him over this girl, and he probably was like "Woah, I need to get out of here"

                          And yeah, I guess the timing just sucked. This girl came along right after we broke up. It was a fresh start for him, and this girl was really down for LDR, which surprised him. I guess even though he's never been the biggest fan of LDR, the girl's willingness convinced him too.

                          But thank you your advice (and everyone else's) has really helped so far <3 I think I'm beginning to see more than it's not so much him not caring about me or tossing me aside, and I need to try to stop being bitter and caught up that he is with someone else even though we broke up so he could leave easier. it's just that we were done, he made himself move on quicker than I did, and this opportunity came along. Whew. My head's a lot clearer, thank you <3

                          Question, do you think it's a good idea for me to talk to him and try being friends again once I gather myself? When we first broke up both of us were super down to still be close. I still want him in my life, even if it's just as friends. When he told me the news they were dating, he still told me he hoped we could be friends. Do you think he meant that and that he still wants to be friends after this? There's one thing - the mean things I said to him when I found out they were really close. I've apologized, but to make sure, do you think everything will be okay? (I"ll sincerely apologize again just to make sure)

                          Comment


                          • Gah, one more thing. Besides the fact that I feel betrayed because he moved on so fast, I also feel betrayed because we broke up because he's leaving, yet he's with another girl. I know this wasn't planned like JNS suggested, he only met this girl after we broke up. But I keep regretting not choosing to date over summer or do LDR, because it feels like we broke up for no reason. How do I shake these feelings, it's also what's killing me D:

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by sillyandconfused View Post
                              Gah, one more thing. Besides the fact that I feel betrayed because he moved on so fast, I also feel betrayed because we broke up because he's leaving, yet he's with another girl. I know this wasn't planned like JNS suggested, he only met this girl after we broke up. But I keep regretting not choosing to date over summer or do LDR, because it feels like we broke up for no reason. How do I shake these feelings, it's also what's killing me D:
                              The facts have not changed. If you do not have the funds to travel frequently, it is almost impossible to have an LDR. I have little doubt that your ex and his new GF will break up shortly after the move. He seems to need a physical presence in his life and skyping can only go so far.

                              So, while you probably broke up too soon, it was not "for no reason". It was a good reason. You are only questioning it because of the new girl, not because you now believe an LDR is more realistic.
                              "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                              Comment

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