[Horrorpulp]

hiya all, I've been having this huge worry for over a year now and it's all coming to a head, I've tried talking to close friends and sister about this but they can only lend an ear and I don't know what else I should do.

I come from a drink abusive house hold, one day it became too much so I began to live with my boyfriend and his family (Both 20 at this point) for the first year we were pretty happy together, a healthy sex life. But as time went on sex was happening once a week, to 2 weeks, 4..5..and so on, until entire months passed, I would ask if something was wrong, but he said there wasn't anything, then his grandad passed away and so for the next 3 months there was no sex at all (but I can understand why at this point), there was kissing and hugs but nothing truly sexual.
Obviously my mind is running over every reason as to why...was it me? Is he still attracted to me? I blamed myself for a while, when i brought this up to him (Very much upset) he assured me it wasn't the case, I begged what was wrong and he said he didn't know, we both agreed to work on our relationship and both give initiative to it...

But it all just fell back into the same pattern, if I started to be flirty and loving he would pass it off as tickling. Nothing I did seemed to excite him enough to want sex, during that year I was always crying, feeling bitter and resentful, while trying to be understanding and patient, so now one month ago during this now "Usual" argument I said if there was no improvement I needed to leave, it was too much for me to be there, again he promised things would change, that he loved me - that the reason WHY he wasn't sexual was because he felt depressed because he couldn't find a job for so long and that money was always tight...But at that point he had had a job for 6 months, he blames it on being busy, not enough money and admitted to laziness...but now that month has passed and he hasn't even attempted anything sexual, I will be moving back with my parents to get some space...but I just don't know if i should stay with him, i can tell he meant what he said and that he loves me but I'm so fearful that it will all just happen again, apart of me doesn't want to give up, we get on in every other way (hobbies, views, like and dislikes) but the other half just wants him out of my life.

Is there any advice anyone can give? I just feel really alone about this, we're in our 20s, we should be really happy and sexual and it just seems taboo about young adults who have no sex life.

[jen1447]

Move on hon. You don't have to settle for that, there are plenty of better guys out there. And your intuition is already telling you the truth - it'll be more of the same. Respect yourself and do what you have to do.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You're both young. It doesn't sound right at 20, I understand the death and non sex, I've done that too, a bit spiritual "witch" in me, thinks maybe they are watching But, given that it's not because you are living with his parents and the fear of them hearing or them telling him, you can live here but.....and there doesn't seem to be a real reason, other than use it or lose it, I'd say he isn't that sexual to start with, once the lust is gone it's gone.

I think that sex is important in the three phases that it projects.

See what happens when you go back home, perhaps he can only associate "dating" with sex.. and if that's the case then you are not really going to get anywhere further.

[Horrorpulp]

Thank you for your advice, I've been thinking alot about it all, so far he's been very affectionate and wanting to meet up often, but of course I'm still feeling very hestitant, Ive asked for lots of space...thank you again I'll give an update if anything significant happens!

[DreamP346]

Right now it is just sex, but eventually that bitterness will spill out into other aspects of your relationship. On this forum, I have only met one man whose desire level changed for the better and it was because of testosterone therapy. If he doesn't want sex now, it will not get any better. You are young. You deserve better.

[Newtonian]

You moving back to your parents may give him the proverbial kick up the *** that he needs.. Since you moved in with him he may have started taking you for granted and gradually started neglecting his 'duties' in the bedroom.

Is he working now? As a guy who went through a short period of unemployment while with an ex partner, I know how much of an effect it can have on a guys outlook (I think it's our inner hunter gatherer).

[Horrorpulp]

He's had work since December of last year but it did'nt change anything, that's what I hoped, that he would be happier - and it's only with sex that he is neglectful, seeing and hanging out with friends is totally normal. now he is far more affactionate but now my bitterness has spilled out, and I'm finding that I don't want to be with him more and more so, I think to be honest it's time for me to move on..

[Rob1]

Obviously there is a problem. The really bad part about a forum is that you seldom/never hear both sides to a story. It could be totally his fault and then again it might not be. Some people just cannot look someone directly in the eyes and be honest. I would suggest that you go out for a long walk in the park and tell him that you want to have a blatant honest discussion about what's going on between you. Promise him that you will not overreact but the only way to resolve it is for both of you to be honest. Deal with facts and not emotions. Discussing one's failures and shortcomings is not a sign of weakness. Being honest with someone you care about is being respectful. See if you can meet his needs while he understand and accepts yours. If not acceptable with either then you have your answer and what you need to do.

Good luck.