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Selfish Partner

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  • Selfish Partner

    I have been with my partner for almost 16 years. He has always been selfish & I have let him get away with letting me down & always forgiven him & given another chance (after he has done what he wants to do).
    We now have 2 children & he works very hard & is a good provider.
    The problem is that he never spends time with the children or me. He always put work, fitness, yoga, golf etc first.
    For the past 8 weeks I have had the children 24/7 while he is out playing sport in a competition. He did not discuss this with me, he told me he had signed up for it & I would have to pretty much do everything for these 8 weeks. Even when I ask him to take our son to sport & watch & encourage (confidence build) he thinks its ok to not watch & go for a run while our son plays.
    I work too but he does what he wants after work unless I pre book something in that I need to do & even then recently I have been having to lean on my parents for help as he is busy.
    I am over this and not sure that he will ever change. He loves his kids but just cant stop being selfish.
    I am tired of being alone in my relationship. Is there any hope for him to change?

  • The short answer is no. There will never be a change unless and until you stop being his enabler and force one. Why should he change? You cover for him, you complain and then forgive him (and get over it) and you accommodate his schedule by leaning on your parents. You are 24/7 as a parent and with your own work. He has all the play time he needs and you have none. I realize that your question is rhetorical because you already know the answer.

    I don't know if you have ever effectively communicated your feelings to him. Communication is essential for change to occur. If he cannot listen, couples therapy is an option. If you have communicated your feelings, you have not told us his perspective on his actions. That may be helpful for us to know if you would like suggestions or a plan of action. One suggestion might be to pre-book a weekend for yourself, have your parents be unavailable and "force" him to to parent.

    By the way, a great husband and father spends quality time with his children and makes sure that his wife is not overburdened.
    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


    • I assume he's the primary bread-winner from your description. That's great, but while there was a time when a typical domestic situation was for the man to earn income and for the woman to raise children, those days are pretty much gone in just about anyone's book. That means he's only holding up part of his end in this deal. Gotta hold his feet to the fire and force him to be a real man, and real men don't prioritize golf over family. If golf was the most important thing in his life, he shouldn't have had kids or even gotten married.
      [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


      • Like effy said, as long as you keep enabling him, nothing will change.

        To get the change you seek, you have to be prepared to go to battle. That means if he is really the selfish man you claim his is, rather than just being clueless, you have to understand that it won't be pleasant and it won't be easy.

        Before you do, know what leverage (weapons) you have. Does he care about his marriage, his kids, his finances, his home, his reputation, etc..? Because when he finally realizes that those things are in jeopardy, he MIGHT, be willing to change. If he really doesn't care about those things, then you have to leverage and, frankly, you've go no husband anyway.

        Good luck


        • I think that there ought to be balance in a relationship.
          You really need to talk about these things and if he agrees on something and then does opposite, you do the same. If he is inflexible, then don't you be accommodating. Match him. When it becomes unworkable, then sit down and talk about it. If he says "How come you X?" you say "How come you did Y?....I probably did it for the same reason" If he says "But I needed A" You say "Yes and I need B"
          I think he will get the idea.
          Why let it go for 16 years though?



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