[angiewatson17]

About 8yrs ago my husband lost his job and suffered some minor health issues that also made his mobility quiet difficult. At the time, fortunately, I was earning enough to keep us both comfortably so as a temporary measure and to promote his recovery I reluctantly agreed to let him take on the househusband role. I say reluctant because he has always been slightly effeminate and I worried that this just make life a little to easy for him and he would become a little to settled in his routine. Little did I realise how right I was to be.

I am now worried now how overtly effeminate he has become and the effect it is now having on our already strained relationship. I really can't complain about his housekeeping skills he does everything brilliantly, housework, ironing, laundry, cooking the lot, all my wardrobes and draws are immaculate everything washed, ironed and put away within a couple of hours of me taking them off! If I am going out for an evening with colleagues he rarely comes with me and prefers instead to fuss about me like a mother hen, he will lay everything out on the bed for me to wear ask me if I want my toe nails painting, do I want him to dry my hair. He regularly attends coffee mornings with other "housewives" and has even been shopping with one or two of them, they have even said he's like a "bestie friend" and so considerate and sensitive!

About a year ago he moved into the spare room to "get a good nights sleep" and stayed there and consequently we haven't had relationships since, in an attempt to snap him out of his effeminate mode I recently manufactured a story about a guy coming on to me at work his reaction was totally girlie, clasping his hands on his cheeks and saying excitedly and wide eyed "really your joking what's he like"? I told him to man up and get real and he sulked for days accusing me of insensitivity.

I know I knew he was effeminate when I married him but I never expected him to go further down that road, at 50 I want to make the most of what's left of my woman hood I need a man in my house not a housemaid. What would you do?

[Baboy]

Taking your post here today, read alongside what you posted here several years ago, about the "black man" fantasy, I do not think you are going to effect a sea change in your spouse. Effeminate or not, he seems more interested in seeing you with another man than he is in being a good sexual partner for you.

Although you ask "What would you do?", the answer to that would be of scant utility. Everyone here is different. Some would have split from your husband long ago. Others would take a lover, or a series of lovers. Others would just accept their lot, maintain the status quo and suffer in silence. You say you want to make the lost of what remains of your womanhood. It sounds like you will not be fulfilled by having a darn fine housemaid of a husband. You are going to have to change something. You'll have to decide what should be changed. As I said, I very much doubt you'll change your husband by much. He is what he is. I would not expect that you can counsel, persuade, cajole, threaten or shock him into becoming the lover you seek.

BTW, did you carry through with the "black man" on New Year's Eve?

[Motorguy]

About 8yrs ago my husband lost his job and suffered some minor health issues that also made his mobility quiet difficult. At the time, fortunately, I was earning enough to keep us both comfortably so as a temporary measure and to promote his recovery I reluctantly agreed to let him take on the househusband role. I say reluctant because he has always been slightly effeminate and I worried that this just make life a little to easy for him and he would become a little to settled in his routine. Little did I realise how right I was to be.

I am now worried now how overtly effeminate he has become and the effect it is now having on our already strained relationship. I really can't complain about his housekeeping skills he does everything brilliantly, housework, ironing, laundry, cooking the lot, all my wardrobes and draws are immaculate everything washed, ironed and put away within a couple of hours of me taking them off! If I am going out for an evening with colleagues he rarely comes with me and prefers instead to fuss about me like a mother hen, he will lay everything out on the bed for me to wear ask me if I want my toe nails painting, do I want him to dry my hair. He regularly attends coffee mornings with other "housewives" and has even been shopping with one or two of them, they have even said he's like a "bestie friend" and so considerate and sensitive!

About a year ago he moved into the spare room to "get a good nights sleep" and stayed there and consequently we haven't had relationships since, in an attempt to snap him out of his effeminate mode I recently manufactured a story about a guy coming on to me at work his reaction was totally girlie, clasping his hands on his cheeks and saying excitedly and wide eyed "really your joking what's he like"? I told him to man up and get real and he sulked for days accusing me of insensitivity.

I know I knew he was effeminate when I married him but I never expected him to go further down that road, at 50 I want to make the most of what's left of my woman hood I need a man in my house not a housemaid. What would you do?

Well for my opinion I would seek marriage counseling for you both only if you want this marriage to stay together. But I have a feeling you want to enjoy some kind outside your marriage sexually affair it's just a feeling I have. But nothing will change till you both agree on seeking help to get this marriage back on the right track if not it's doom. So you will have a husband who does all the house work and cooking and you bring home the bacon for him to cook up for you. That something you hardly ever see or hear of.

[ChristinaHedge]

I may have not understood right, but when you say effeminate do you mean "gay"? These things are not mutually inclusive. It is not feminine to want to stay home and clean the house. Although many do. Different things appeal to different people. Some men like cooking. Some like mowing. Some like cleaning. It takes all sorts. You will find women that do too. It is not a skill set that is gendered.
So none of this is, at least in my mind, anything to do with being effeminate.
Which kind of bears down on the next thing. Since hurting himself at work and you becoming the bread winner, he has stayed at home and been a househusband. That sounds fine to me. You would not batter your eyelids if a female said the same thing. I think that is more than fine.
So now is the crux of things. He has stopped sleeping with you and is non-plussed about the thought of you having attentions from other men.
I think you DO need to find out why he is no longer sleeping with you. Of all you have said, that sounds like your one piece of real contention here.
My opinion is that the way you spoke to him is about as far from achieving this end as you could hope for. You have an issue with your perceived image of his masculinity and you "test" it find it wanting and then give him a hard time over it? I do not give him a free pass though. If he is going to pull a stunt like this withholding sex he has to expect fallout.

All this aside, if a male friend came to you and said "My wife stays at home all day and does the housework. The place is immaculate and clean and presentable and I pay for dinner on the table. But you know what I don't want a maid, i want a wife instead" How do you think that may come across? What do you think you might say to such a man?