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  • Confused

    I'm new to the forum so firstly i'd like to say hi. Secondly, I have 2 issues that I'm currently trying to deal with. I pre-warn you that i may come across as insecure/crazy/obsessive and i admit i probably am a bit of all of them lol but i don't try to be and it's part of the reason i've joined the site and wrote this here.

    #1 I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over 2 years now and i have yet to find another man that I am physically attracted to a part from him (not that i'm looking for anyone lol). I'm not saying i don't find other men attractive. I can walk past a member of the opposite sex on the street, look at their face and my mind will automatically make the decision of "attractive" or "unattractive". No thought really goes into it, i'm not analysing them or oogling them, i don't even notice what shoes they're wearing or the colour of top they have on, it's just an automatic thing my brain does whenever I happen to look at people on the street. I do the same with women, even though i'm straight. Thing is, by the time my mind had made the decision, i've already forgotten about the person. I don't fantasise about them nor to i think "Wow he's so hot"..even a topless guy at the beach I don't think i've ever thought about them other than to decided whether I find their features attractive or not. I can honestly say i've never thought of another man in a sexual nature, wished my boyfriend looked like someone I saw on the street, or got turned on by a member of the opposite sex. If a friend or whoever specifically points out a men, i then can go on and assess further and come to the conclusion that they are "hot" or have a nice body or whatever- but even then, again, he's forgotten about within seconds, i've not been sexually turned on by the man and want to jump on him, nor has the thought of sex with him sprung to my mind. In general, unless someone points them out, i barely notice other men when i'm out with my boyfriend, friends, family etc. This idea seems mad to everyone else i speak to- my friends, my family, the internet. Because of this reaction I am confused as to how to feel and don't feel "normal". Should I be feeling some other way? I get it's normal for couples to fantasise about others and i'm not knocking that, in fact it's the exact opposite, i feel a little weird for not doing it? Lol.
    (It goes without saying that celebrities are different)

    #2 This one is related to #1 but it's from my boyfriends perspective. My whole teenage life, ever since I started to understand that i liked boys, i've been lead to believe that they are different from women. That they can NOT in anyway possible be monogamous and it takes a lot for men not to cheat, even when they're in love. This has been further encouraged through different forums i've been on in the past and currently. My boyfriend claims he has the same views as me when it comes to seeing the opposite sex - he barely notices them unless someone points them out. He can still identify if a woman is attractive or not but doesn't really care about looking or notices much. He can and could get turned on by another woman's body but he has enough self-control to well... not. He says that even though he still has the ability to look at other women sexually, think they're "hot", "sexy" etc and fantasise about them, he would have to be really concentrating because he doesn't notice other women like he used to and doesn't check them out. Additionally, he is adamant that he doesn't watch porn (any more) and that he thinks it's cringey and stupid (we got onto the subject of porn one day and i did ask him if he had any favourite porn fantasies). He uses his imagination or looks at his own personal stash of me. The problem is i can't bring myself to believe it. From what i've been lead to believe no man is able to not fantasise and look at other women and they "definitely all watch porn or they're lying". I mean is that even physically POSSIBLE?! So i do have my doubts, especially since he has lied to me about something as little a deal as this before.

    It shouldn't matter. Neither of the points should really be an issue and the problems i have with them do root from somewhere- although i'm not sure where. I do have my insecurities but the funny thing is, i have a problem with us not doing these things. I have a problem with me not looking at other men like a sexy piece of meat and oogle them with my friends. I'm struggling to deal with the fact that he may not be int he majority of men who watch porn and looks at the great **************** the waitress has (although i swear i've caught him on a couple of occasions haha, he denies it and says i'm being paranoid!).

    I'm trying to figure out how to move past these silly little problems, hence why i'm here. I'm looking to see if anyone is a) the same as me and b) able to give me some advice on how to just stop caring basically? I really want to confront my boyfriend about what he says because, i will admit that even though i'm bothered about the fact that he says he doesn't, the thought of it does make me slightly insecure (i've never told him this though)..i know, i know the man can't win! But i'm not even sure if he'll admit the truth if he's lying and just say i'm being stupid.

    I realise that these are very minor problems that probably shouldn't even be problems at all, but for some reason i'm struggling to move past my feelings because of them and i can't seem to let it go!!

  • Your "problems" are really a lack of maturity. Your brain and emotions are creating issues that are not problems because things are going too well. Do you want a boyfriend who ogles other women, watches porn and then fantasizes about them when he is with you?? Of course not. You want to date someone who would rather look at you and spend time with you rather than to look at porn. You have that. Why can't you be satisfied?

    Do not allow someone else's concept of men make you question your boyfriend. There are lots of men who, when in a relationship, do not care about other women. They wish to focus on the woman that they are dating. Why would that make you insecure? There are lots of men who don't watch porn and some that do watch porn that do not fantasize about those women.

    My suggestion is to deal with your insecurities and don't project them on your boyfriend's conduct. If you don't, you may screw up a very good relationship because of what you fear he could be doing rather than who he really is.
    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

    Comment


    • You've been bought up to believe that love is love, consequently, looking at another guy and thinking "hot" isn't going to happen as your in a relationship that you are happy with. Off course celebrities are different

      But our brain retains what it wants to, what it believes and you believe what you were told about guys, un-able to be faithful, porn etc. You're seeking validation on this, because you so believe it to be true, your brain is programmed that it is, your boyfriend "did" watch porn it has to be true and obviously you have a tendency to get obsessed about something you believe to be so true that you need to search. And, so you join Forums, talk to people, ask him, talk to people, join Forums

      We are meant to take what wisdom is passed down to us as gospel if proven, as a warning to guard our heart, as a thought to process and see if it applies to us. Searching for proof results in often finding things that aren't factual, rather like you feel this is a factual thing for all men as your brain is programmed now that way. You will find little things that "point" to possibilities and you'll tell yourself they are real.

      One of the best foundations of a relationship is trust. So if he is telling you he's simular to you believe that, perhaps he was bought up that way as well. Perhaps he's comfortable in his relationship and has no need nor a desire.

      You're looking to validate something that you were told that you've decided is 100% factual.

      You're over analysing .

      It sure does apply to a good percentage of people especially young. But, it doesn't apply to everyone and you can tell by body language. The way he looks at you, smiles at you, should tell you that it's you he is happy with. Don't change that by badgering him and questioning his words.
      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

      Comment


      • Originally posted by BrandNew View Post
        I'm new to the forum so firstly i'd like to say hi. Secondly, I have 2 issues that I'm currently trying to deal with. I pre-warn you that i may come across as insecure/crazy/obsessive and i admit i probably am a bit of all of them lol but i don't try to be and it's part of the reason i've joined the site and wrote this here.

        #1 I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over 2 years now and i have yet to find another man that I am physically attracted to a part from him (not that i'm looking for anyone lol). I'm not saying i don't find other men attractive. I can walk past a member of the opposite sex on the street, look at their face and my mind will automatically make the decision of "attractive" or "unattractive". No thought really goes into it, i'm not analysing them or oogling them, i don't even notice what shoes they're wearing or the colour of top they have on, it's just an automatic thing my brain does whenever I happen to look at people on the street. I do the same with women, even though i'm straight. Thing is, by the time my mind had made the decision, i've already forgotten about the person. I don't fantasise about them nor to i think "Wow he's so hot"..even a topless guy at the beach I don't think i've ever thought about them other than to decided whether I find their features attractive or not. I can honestly say i've never thought of another man in a sexual nature, wished my boyfriend looked like someone I saw on the street, or got turned on by a member of the opposite sex. If a friend or whoever specifically points out a men, i then can go on and assess further and come to the conclusion that they are "hot" or have a nice body or whatever- but even then, again, he's forgotten about within seconds, i've not been sexually turned on by the man and want to jump on him, nor has the thought of sex with him sprung to my mind. In general, unless someone points them out, i barely notice other men when i'm out with my boyfriend, friends, family etc. This idea seems mad to everyone else i speak to- my friends, my family, the internet. Because of this reaction I am confused as to how to feel and don't feel "normal". Should I be feeling some other way? I get it's normal for couples to fantasise about others and i'm not knocking that, in fact it's the exact opposite, i feel a little weird for not doing it? Lol.
        (It goes without saying that celebrities are different)
        Who cares? If you don't find any other guy attractive but him, why is it a problem if the relationship is going well? Yes, it's normal for people to have sexual fantasies that don't include their partner, but that's just all they are; they're fantasies. If you don't like it, why should you have to subscribe to it?

        #2 This one is related to #1 but it's from my boyfriends perspective. My whole teenage life, ever since I started to understand that i liked boys, i've been lead to believe that they are different from women.
        Well, we are, but we're still the same species. And not as different as you might think. Males develop from female bodies. Think less "alien I don't understand" to "modified female" if that helps. Yes, some things are different, but most are the same.

        That they can NOT in anyway possible be monogamous
        That's not in any way true.

        and it takes a lot for men not to cheat, even when they're in love.
        Also not true.

        This has been further encouraged through different forums i've been on in the past and currently. My boyfriend claims he has the same views as me when it comes to seeing the opposite sex - he barely notices them unless someone points them out. He can still identify if a woman is attractive or not but doesn't really care about looking or notices much. He can and could get turned on by another woman's body but he has enough self-control to well... not. He says that even though he still has the ability to look at other women sexually, think they're "hot", "sexy" etc and fantasise about them, he would have to be really concentrating because he doesn't notice other women like he used to and doesn't check them out. Additionally, he is adamant that he doesn't watch porn (any more) and that he thinks it's cringey and stupid (we got onto the subject of porn one day and i did ask him if he had any favourite porn fantasies). He uses his imagination or looks at his own personal stash of me. The problem is i can't bring myself to believe it. From what i've been lead to believe no man is able to not fantasise and look at other women and they "definitely all watch porn or they're lying". I mean is that even physically POSSIBLE?! So i do have my doubts, especially since he has lied to me about something as little a deal as this before.
        Misconceptions.

        Alright, yes--men like to have sex with more partners than women. It is genetically encoded for men to try and sow their genetics as far and as wide as possible. People like to emphasis that, but it isn't the only instinct men have. It's really just an excuse for men who can't control themselves or are simply insecure or are in a relationship that they're not happy with (for whatever reason).

        It shouldn't matter. Neither of the points should really be an issue and the problems i have with them do root from somewhere- although i'm not sure where. I do have my insecurities but the funny thing is, i have a problem with us not doing these things. I have a problem with me not looking at other men like a sexy piece of meat and oogle them with my friends. I'm struggling to deal with the fact that he may not be int he majority of men who watch porn and looks at the great ******************************** the waitress has (although i swear i've caught him on a couple of occasions haha, he denies it and says i'm being paranoid!).
        Okay, time for a reality check.

        Most people, men or women, do not fall head over heels or get really turned on by another person of the opposite gender just because they're attractive. People get turned on or develop crushes on certain people that THEY find attractive. You not finding some guy attractive like your friends do doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You're probably just extra picky. And your boyfriend is probably just extra picky. But in general, most men you meet aren't going to turn you on and most women your boyfriend meets aren't going to turn him on.

        Yes, there are people who get turned on more easily or are just not picky. Or just like sex. Or whatever.

        I'm trying to figure out how to move past these silly little problems, hence why i'm here. I'm looking to see if anyone is a) the same as me and b) able to give me some advice on how to just stop caring basically? I really want to confront my boyfriend about what he says because, i will admit that even though i'm bothered about the fact that he says he doesn't, the thought of it does make me slightly insecure (i've never told him this though)..i know, i know the man can't win! But i'm not even sure if he'll admit the truth if he's lying and just say i'm being stupid.
        Okay, if your boyfriend does watch porn, it's not a challenge to your position as his girlfriend. It would simply to relieve sexual frustration. It's easier and quicker than always having sex with you (which isn't bad, because he'll consider sex with you as always being better than going solo). When a man watches porn, he isn't doing it to cheat on you, he's simply...well, to put it bluntly, having sex with himself and using the porn as a tool to accomplish that. It's as sensible to be jealous over it as a man getting jealous of a woman's sex toy.

        I realise that these are very minor problems that probably shouldn't even be problems at all, but for some reason i'm struggling to move past my feelings because of them and i can't seem to let it go!!
        It's good to see you realize that these are your problems that you need to deal with. That sounds funny, I know, but you'd be amazed at what people will do when they shift their insecurity onto someone or something else. It's best to look at why you're insecure and what you're afraid of. Then ask yourself; are you being rational about it? If it doesn't seem rational, then your fears are probably not well founded.

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