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Should I Be Mad?

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  • Should I Be Mad?

    Hello everybody!

    I've been having a difficult time lately trying to determine what my emotions should be regarding my recent dilemma...

    So long story short... me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year. We're both very young, in our early twenties...he asked me out, knowing I have slept with 4 partners in my past. And he had only been with one other partner besides me...or so I thought...

    He just confessed to me just about a month ago that he was actually a virgin when we got together. I was his first... supposedly a rumor started within our circle of people a few years back (before I had even met him) that he had slept with some girl. While he did admit to them "fooling around," they never actually had sex. He said he never felt the need to convince anybody of this though, because everyone already believed they had slept together...

    So for over an entire year, I believed this. I thought he had a partner before me. Because he told me that he did. Should I be mad that I was lied to all this time??? Or should I be happy to have been his first?

  • Most young guys are very eager to brag about how many notches they have in their belt. Not sure I have ever heard one brag about being a virgin, especially into their twenties. He admitted he and some girl "fooled around", but he never said they had sex. This circle of friends assumed "fooling around" meant sex. I guess it could be perceived as a lie by omission, but he never actually lied. The friends assumed, started a rumor, and he didn't correct their assumption. This group of friends you were/are involved with started the rumor, not your BF. If this group of people were willing to make such assumptions, I can only imagine the ribbing and belittling he would have been subjected to had he corrected them. You made the same assumption, originally, as best I can tell from your post. You say, "he had only been with one other partner, or so you thought." How did he know how many partners you had been with before asking you out? (I'm guessing this same group of friends, unless you went around announcing it.)

    I could understand you being upset if he had told you he'd been with 5 partners and later you learned he'd actually had 50, but I can't see how learning he was a virgin is such a big deal. Do you think less of him because he was inexperienced? Doesn't sound like he judged you for having multiple partners. If this is the biggest problem you have encountered in more than a years worth of dating, I'd say you are lucky.


    • I don't think it's anything to really be 'mad' about. Could you not tell he'd never done it before? Perhaps he was too embarrassed to admit he was a virgin? I wouldn't be mad. I'd probably just assure him that he could have told me and it wouldn't have been a problem.


      • Why should it matter at all? My husband and I have never discussed the number of previous partners, whether or not there was previous partners (it was obvious for me because I had been previously married), or whether or not he was a virgin. It just wasn't important unless there was some disease he/I should have known about, or a child.

        The relationship is about the two of you, not previous partners. Why be mad?
        That which we forget may as well never really happened.


        • It didn't bother him, everything about him was here-say, as you stated, he never lied you both obviously discussed it to a small degree whereby he became aware of your 4 partners and that didn't bother him, he lost his virginity to who he wanted to, you and when he felt he wanted to share that, he told you.

          Should there be a time frame on everything?


          • Anger is a secondary emotion. Meaning, it is what comes AFTER or masks a primary emotion like betrayed, hurt, deceived, violated, etc. etc. So the first thing to do is determine what the primary emotion is. What was your first reaction, thought, emotion when you found out?

            And then rather than getting angry, express the primary emotion....

            Frankly, I wondering why you think there is an emotion that you "should" have rather than having your own authentic emotion. There isn't a correct emotion. There is an emotion that results from your thinking and beliefs about his "experience."

            Now your thinking may or may not be reasonable and, therefore, the problem.



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