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Mom Hates Boyfriend She Doesn't Know - HELP!

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  • Mom Hates Boyfriend She Doesn't Know - HELP!

    Someone please help me out here - I'm at the end of my rope.

    Preface: I'm 18 years old and leaving for college in a year, but I still feel like I'm treated like a child. I am extremely mature for my age (if I say so myself... I'm a straight A student holding down a part time job and involved in multiple extra circulars and I don't drink, smoke, or sleep around.) My mother has always been overprotective and somewhat invasive in my life, but I let her be. I never realized how abnormal her behavior is until talking to a few friends who told me that I have to speak up, to which I replied that I am afraid to talk to her about it. However, I've always been respectful towards my mother. In fact, my mother and I used to be extremely close. We were best friends; we would laugh together and I could talk to her about anything. But that all changed after I returned home after studying abroad for two months this past summer.

    While abroad, I met my wonderful boyfriend (another student from the US) who I cannot imagine life without. I told my mother about John while I was abroad, and she was thrilled! I told her about how he is the sweetest, most thoughtful guy I've ever met, as well as funny, cute, and the best part, also a Christian. Once returning to the US, our families went out to dinner together after the airport and we had a nice time. My mother and John did not converse much; in fact, John and I did not speak very much since we had spoken completely in Spanish for the past two months and our every attempt at English seemed to fail.

    On the car ride home from dinner, I tried to talk to my mother about John, but she kept very quiet and seemed to shut down every conversation from that point forward that pertained to him. She never mentioned any reasons for not liking him, nor did John have any outstanding qualities that would be the cause for an immediate red flag.

    The more my mother seemed to demonstrate a dislike for John, the greater the space between us grew. She refused to address the issue completely. After forcing John and I to cancel our plans twice, I had to talk to her. I asked her why she doesn't approve, and she said as my mother, she knows better. She said John does not have her approval and when asking why, she said she couldn't tell me until after I had broken up with him because she did not want to pit herself against me and John. She mentioned that she did not envision me with a boyfriend until after I finished college (I am currently 18 and a senior in high school). I told her that we love one another, and she dismissed this for "raging hormones." (I find my boyfriend attractive, but I obviously did not enter this relationship solely for physical reasons.) That was the end of the conversation. However, she antagonizes me by asking if I've broken up with him and when I reply no, she asks when I'm going to do so.

    How could my mother despise the man I love who she has only met once, and for an hour at that? ...not to mention that he hardly even spoke during that time! He treats me like an absolute queen and is absolutely crazy about me. He would literally do anything for me; I've been blown away by his displays of selflessness and consideration for me. However, here are possible reasons I believe my mother does not like John...

    1. I am leaving for college in a year... My mother hopes I'll meet someone there
    2. She thinks I'm too young to even think about boys... I personally believe she doesn't want me to grow up. She was devastated when I told her John was my first kiss (at the age of 18) while abroad.
    3. I made the mistake of telling her that John and his mother have a rocky relationship... John's mother is manipulative and controlling, but the situation has greatly improved.
    4. My mother has been divorced twice. I think she is possibly upset that I've found my own love that I absolutely adore, while she is middle aged and still singles after two failed attempts at love

    John and I keep in contact by texting. I can only text him when my mother is not around, because if she catches me, she interrogates me about who I'm talking to, what about, and demands that I stop texting immediately. She has taken my phone and read my texts before. A few weeks ago she took my phone away for a week because she said she felt like I was leading a secret life behind her back by keeping in contact with John. She said I've shut her out of her life, and I feel like it is the exact opposite. She was the one who shut me out. I tried to discuss John with her, and later why she doesn't like John, and she shut me down completely.

    John lives two hours away from me, and because I don't have my own mode of transportation (and neither does he), we cannot see one another. It's been 2 months since I've last seen him and things are starting to get stressful. It hurts me that my relationship with my mother is deteriorating... We hardly even talk anymore, and when we do, there is a heaviness in the air that makes me want to cry. Before, I could tell her about everything, and now I'm scared talk to her about the very thing that got us in this situation. And it hurts John so much that I have to hide our relationship from my mother, making me feel even worse. I just... I don't even know what to do. Someone please help me. Am I being an unreasonable teenage brat here? I've always been submissive to my mother's every request, but I think I need to stand up for myself here... Am I wrong? I can't do this anymore...

  • From the sound of it, you are the most important person in your mother's life. She is facing with dread the day when you "grow up" and "leave" her.

    Your boyfriend was an early reminder of that that day is coming.

    While John was a distant "thing" in Europe, he wasn't a problem. When she saw him in person, the reality that you were growing up smacked her in the face. Hi could be a saint and it wouldn't make a difference to her.

    She's not ready for you to leave her and he represents that.

    Your leaving is a stage of life your mother has to face. All you can really do is assure her that you love her, always will and you will keep her posted on your life.

    If she needs more support in making that transition, she'll have to get it from friends, family, clergy or professionals.

    Though your mom's not handling it well, you could try starting the conversation with something like,

    "..Mom, I've been thinking about why you don't like John when you don't even know him. I starting to think that maybe you're just worried about me growing up and leaving for college and you don't know what to do with that... Am I wrong??"

    Then see if she'll talk about it with you.

    Good luck

    Comment


    • My mother has always been overprotective and somewhat invasive in my life, but I let her be. I never realized how abnormal her behavior is until talking to a few friends who told me that I have to speak up, to which I replied that I am afraid to talk to her about it. However, I've always been respectful towards my mother. In fact, my mother and I used to be extremely close. We were best friends; we would laugh together and I could talk to her about anything
      I think where boys are involved and your Mother is both your Mother and your Father at present, she has always been a "mate" to you, all be it that she has also been over-protective, it's a bit different especially if she is Christian.

      It's her baby, she's growing up. Perhaps John reminds her of one of her past husbands. Perhaps she wants better for you and can see something you can't see. Perhaps she feels as he's long distance, it won't last and he's got a girl over there and you.

      By not telling you her thoughts, I believe that this is because what ever her thought pattern is, it would hurt you, you would disagree and deny it and say so and the rift would be worse.

      By waiting until you break up (if that occurs) then she can tell you why and comfort you and feel at least she didn't verbalise her thoughts and lose her daughter. Mother's can lose their daughters when it comes to a boyfriend just with a click of a finger. The new love you found will always be more important until something goes wrong and then, it's back to what you love and know best, your family.

      There are two people here, you and her. You say you are mature beyond your age. So, accept she has doubts for what ever reason that is. Get yourself back as you were with her, that is her thoughts you have different thoughts. Let her know you respect her thoughts but until John shows you something to be concerned about, you feel ok with this but you miss your Mum and want that closeness so you ask, for her to also accept your decision and be there should something go wrong.

      You are also living in her house regardless of age for another year. Perhaps again, she is so proud of you straight A's no alcohol, drugs and that having a boy "now" in your life, may destroy your passions, dreams, career. If you feel she is thinking perhaps that way, reassure her, that all of those passions and dreams, career remain the same, nothing is going to change that.

      Girls think of their boyfriends 24/7 especially at the inset of a relationship and only dream and think of them. This could be a fear for her.

      You shouldn't have to hide your relationship, nor should you. She's knows you are in it, she's asked if you still are and you have said yes. Tell her the above or pose Pollon's question to her.

      But remember. You live in her house, therefore respect her boundries as well.

      You're an Adult, talk to her like an Adult, doesn't matter if she has concerns, if she hears her little girl is mature about it all and still wishes to progress to College and become someone it may set her mind at ease .

      Now here is the problem I think.

      "She was devastated when I told her John was my first kiss". This means John would be your first sexual relation. That's a scary thing for a Mother. She was once 18. What if he takes your virginity and then leaves you and you are absolutely devastated yourself. And, one day you meet someone else, who is so much more of a compatible soul but you can't give him your virginity because some guy took it and didn't care.

      That is what I think she is scared of. If you aren't planning on having sex and haven't then assure her there... She's Christian so she may have this as her underlying fear.



      1. I am leaving for college in a year... My mother hopes I'll meet someone there
      2. She thinks I'm too young to even think about boys... I personally believe she doesn't want me to grow up. She was devastated when I told her John was my first kiss (at the age of 18) while abroad.
      3. I made the mistake of telling her that John and his mother have a rocky relationship... John's mother is manipulative and controlling, but the situation has greatly improved.
      4. My mother has been divorced twice. I think she is possibly upset that I've found my own love that I absolutely adore, while she is middle aged and still singles after two failed attempts at love
      And on that last note. Your friends are your age. They don't really know your Mother's thoughts, her protectiveness. You do. You have been like girlfriends for most of your life. So just because young Adults give you advice that they would want for themselves, doesn't mean that it is right. You know her best.

      4. This is not a nice thing to say, think about it. You are saying, my Mother failed in life, she is jealous. Perhaps her choices were wrong, your relationship is too young to tell if you have honestly made the right one or the wrong one, as your first. It doesn't mean she has failed, she was able to walk away from something that she knew in her heart wasn't right. She allowed her mind to see the love but to also see the danger or the abuse, or the cheating, or the non commitment what ever it was that didn't occur. That takes a strong woman to do. She's been as I said your Mother and your Father, for all you know, one of her relationships could have been abusive and she feared for you so left.

      There is a lot a Mother won't tell you, perhaps one day when you are a lot older but certainly not a teenager.

      She was your best friend really so she must have done good. All Mothers are protective, as I said, you don't know why she left either person...

      Middle age is not old : )By the way.

      Your Mother has an instinct she could be wrong.. She could also be right. So be in love but be watchful as well.

      And never let a "person" get in the way of an honest bond which you had with your Mother.

      She will always be there for you.
      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

      Comment

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