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My gf can't stand my bestie's gf

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  • My gf can't stand my bestie's gf

    Ok... I'm just gonna lay out the facts and say I'm totally stumped ...
    My best friend of fifteen years and I started seeing our current gf's about a year ago.
    We all work together for a large tourist attraction but in separate departments where we occasionally run into each other.
    My gf and I flirted at work for a year prior to making it official. The reason we didn't jump right in a relationship mostly had to do with the age gap we found existed after we started crushing on each other. At the time I was 29 and she just turning 18. Also, my gf's parents are Muslim, thus restricting her until she felt that by being 18 she could legally have more freedom.
    My bf and his gf are both my age.
    When my gf and I finally allowed ourselves to open our lives to the possibility of a relationship together we envisioned long term commitment and took things seriously from the get-go. We moved in together after about three months, in part due to her tumultuous family life. Minor squabbles would arise about silly things such as us having different schedules, or why I would hug a pillow more throughout the night rather than her, but overall these issues were more or less a one time thing and have no longer been a problem.
    After a year I find that what has been the most persistent problem is the conflict of our social lives. I have friends that I've been close with since I was five, and like to go out to hectic events every once in a while; she moved to North America from Dubai around the age of ten and was highly restricted by her parents growing up making it hard to develop deep friendships.
    Before she turned 19 going out was something we knew would be hard to do together because she couldn't get into bars, concerts, etc. and in theory she was prepared to accept that, but in practice that was a complete different story. So we laid low until she was 19 (with a big deal of frustration). After that a lot of events that happen usually involve my bestie and his gf planning them because they are gregarious extroverts; A personality type that irritates my gf when exposed to in large doses.
    My gf also doesn't understand their open relationship. They are both polyamorous, and don't subscribe to the ideals of monogamy that my gf has believed in wholeheartedly all her life.
    The situation between my gf and my bestie's gf started when my gf's first experience of seeing my bestie's gf outside work was of her wildly making out with the girl who happened to show up at the house party the exact same time as us. Since then my gf has been offput by anything to do with her.
    I later told my gf that once upon a time I had kissed my bestie's gf when we were getting know each other. This was an obvious one-time thing to both of us because we realised there was no spark, but we continued to snowboard and go to the occasional event.
    Knowing this history really upset my gf, and she couldn't fathom the idea of us being in the same room together, let alone talk to each other, thus making it difficult for me to hang out with my bestie though my gf insists that she has never stopped me from spending time with him.
    Over the last year my gf has initiated a dinner date with my bestie his gf, but I suggested that after dinner we go out with them to a club they frequent. This was added pressure on my gf, because I sprung it on her as she was coming home from work to get ready for the date, but she agreed in an effort to try something new, but after dinner she got tired and then had a meltdown as we left their place for the club ending in a public therapy yelling session where my bestie and his gf vented their frustrations and pent up opinions on her after she blamed each of us for her insecure feelings.
    Since then my gf and I hosted a party where my bestie and his gf arrived late, and being the extroverts that they are ended up instantly telling stories and becoming the centre of attention which caused my gf to get irritated to the point where she was telling me to get rid of everybody. Now we've had plans to goto a concert with a group of thirty plus that my bestie and his gf organized but we were officially uninvited so to avoid any drama that my gf will likely be the source of.
    Since my bestie is usually the one I would talk to for advice regarding these things it's pretty obvious the conflict of interest that exists there, so I'm posting this seeking unbiased advice.
    I got into this relationship knowing that we are at different stages of our lives and I am willing to put in the time to work through problems, but I also don't want to be manipulated just to keep her from facing difficult situations. My gf has shown that she has grown considerably since we started dating, but she can also be quite stubborn. I love the life that we've made together but I don't want her to believe that she can behave so irrationally when confronting issues.
    Obviously there is a lot of pieces not present to this puzzle but any suggestions will be appreciated.

    TLDR: me and my live in gf 30 & 19 respectively. I am a bit of a socialite but also a hermit. my gf is introverted and raised in am overprotective Muslim household.
    My bestie and his gf, both around 30, are extroverts in an open relationship and my gf doesn't understand their lifestyle, and can only tolerate them in small doses.
    How do i maintain a social life that includes my bestie and doesn't leave my gf out or force her to hang out with people she doesn't like?

  • You didn't mention anything about your relationship with her family. How is that working out?


    • Her mom and i met a few times before my gf moved in and she was fine with us being "friends"though she knew we were romantically involved. She did not agree with my gf moving in with me and since has practically cursed our relationship and does nothing but complain for the small amount of time my gf tries to talk with her.
      As for my gf's father he has been lied to and kept in the dark the whole time, which was my gf's mother's idea.


      • I think that your girlfriend has some morals about life and in that, two people together, means two people together and so she can't help but look down on your besties, girlfriend.

        You can't change that as that's her make-up.

        I also think that your girlfriend being younger worries a little about this woman, after all you told her you kissed her, she knows that they are in an open relationship, she's seen this woman kiss a girl.

        And, I think that if this girl and your bestie take over conversations and she can't even be a part of any conversation, it leaves her out of things.

        My fiancé has a friend since school days as well, so some 30 years. His partner of 10 years is a right pain in the butt, needs to talk and can't stop, is always right and you can't challenge her. She created a problem with us one day when I challenged adoption of dogs for breed instead of homeless and she swore at me and walked out We haven't had a dinner date as 4 people since.

        I can understand your girlfriend. I was told by this woman that if we were to go out and I said something "she" didn't like she would use a safe word . WT? I told my fiancé that I wasn't going out and walking on egg shells wondering if I opened my mouth to speak and she didn't like that I'd be hit with a safe word. That's her insecurity not mine.

        And that could be the case with your girlfriend, also, an insecurity after all she's 19.

        You haven't said anything about "other friends" and I think this would help you. Develop other friends both of you, invite 2 sets of friends over and sometimes different friends without your bestie. I'm gaining the impression that neither of you have friends other than this bestie. Your girlfriend needs someone she can laugh with and you need to broaden your friends list and not just have these two in your life.

        I think that would solve things and make it a bit easier when the 4 of you get together, if you add into this or separate from time to time with other people.

        I also think that it's good that you were honest however, I also think that you should concentrate on ensuring that she feels safe, that you are not going to go off and cheat, that you accept people for who they are. I think she needs to know in her heart that your friends can not influence you and you love her.. Even if you tell her those words which I suspect you do, the more she feels it, the safer she feels remember she's 19.


        • It sounds like she was very sheltered before she met you, and is now quite overwhelmed with the world as it is outside of what her parents allowed her to be exposed to. I can respect that... I might be a little taken aback to if my first introduction to my S/O's friend was her making out wildly with another chick.

          But, as an adult, who is entering the "real world" it's time for her to accept that people live different lifestyles and have different personalities. We don't have to agree with them, or necessarily condone them, but we should remain tactful and respectful, and remain secure that another person's lifestyle does not influence our own lives. Your friends should subscribe to the same mindset
          and be respectful of your girlfriend as well, and not try to provoke or overwhelm her on purpose.

          I think, all around, everyone just needs to get over themselves. Your girlfriend doesn't have to be best friends with this couple, and the couple doesn't have to be best friends with your girlfriend, but if they all took a step back and tried to be civil to each other, they might find they actually like each other, despite their differences.

          If they can't get past it, and they're oil and water in their personalities - then you have to decide if you're willing to hang out with them without your girlfriend around, and try to find some friends you BOTH can enjoy spending time with.


          • The two of you have different values, you're at different stages of life, you come from diametrically opposed worlds and you don't even have the support of family.

            It seems that neither of you are welcome in each other's worlds.

            Where do you think this relationship is headed?

            Where do you want it to go?



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