[Smelting Pot]

Hello all,

I'm new to this forum and have never felt compelled to ask advice from complete strangers on the internet. However, at the moment I feel quite confused & hurt , and thought the best people to ask would be other women. I'm not sure how active this forum is, so not sure if anyone will even reply to this. To make the situation easier to understand I'll give some background details (apologies if I bore you).


I'm male and in my mid-late twenties. I've been in a relationship with my partner, who is in her early twenties, for a few years and we have a beautiful 1 year old girl together. In most senses, our relationship is perfect, I love my partner very much and I genuinely believe she loves me just the same.

We both met at work. She joined my place of work and we instantly hit it off. A little over a month later we started 'seeing' each other outside of work, but no one in work new about our relationship. It was an exciting time, and we'd often have a sneaky kiss in the office when no one was looking. This was something completely new to me, and she said it was something new to her too. We both spoke about how we'd never done anything like this before, and never had a seen anyone from work; it was all very special and exciting for the both of us - I fell head over heels in love with the girl!

My partner has a few male friends that she has known for years, and there's one in particular that I have never felt easy about the idea of them being friends. Don't ask me why, I just had my suspicions that they had history together. I confronted her about this early on in our relationship and she promised me that nothing had ever happened between then and that they were just really good friends - I took her word for it and put my suspicions to the back of my head. As I'd accepted her word that nothing had ever happened between them, I was happy for her to continue seeing this friend, occasionally on her own - I gave her every bit of my trust.

Recently my partner had got back in touch with a girl friend she hasn't seen for a long time, and I was very happy for her. A week or so after them getting back in touch they arranged to meet up, I told her to go and see her long lost friend and have a good time. Roughly an hour after meeting her friend she sent me a txt message telling me that her batter was low and that if I couldn't get in touch with her it's because her phone had died - I accepted this as the truth and thought nothing more of it - this was approx. 2 months ago.

Recently at home I found a random receipt from a bar local to us, and it was dated approx. 2 months ago. I thought it was strange as we had not been to this bar for a long time and she had never mentioned about going there without me either. So I looked through the txt messages on my phone to see what we were doing on that day, and it turns out the date on the receipt is the day she was apparently at her long lost friends house.

I confronted her about this and she admitted to me that she did go to her friend house, but she was only there for an hour or so and then she went to meet this male friend of hers (the one I originally had suspicions about) at the bar for a few drinks as he was going though a rough time and needed a friend to confide in. I then probed further and eventually got her to admit that they did see each other for a couple of months in the past and used to sleep together! She used to work with this man and this is the time when they were sleeping together; when they were working at together (not literally at work, but at the same period of time).

I felt devastated that she had lied to me. She told me that she was at a girlfriends house, when really she was having a drink with another man that she used to sleep with, who apparently is just a really good friend now.

Now, there's a couple of things I am really unhappy and hurt about, and I really just want to hear some females opinions on them.

1) She blatantly lied to me. She told me she was with a girlfriend when in actual fact she was having a drink with a male 'friend' she used to sleep with.

2) The most worrying thing is that I genuinely believed she had visited a girlfriend that night. If I had never found that receipt I would never have known about it - she as able to lie to me so well, that I genuinely believed it. Now in my head I'm thinking if she could lie to me about that and have me fully believe her story, what else could she lie to me about and I never know the truth?

3) Even though she claims that they are just really good friends, almost like brother and sister (which is odd considering they ****ed each other in the past), I'm not sure that I feel comfortable with her continuing with this friendship. I don't feel comfortable knowing that she speaks to and meets up with a man that has touched her and done intimate things with her - I am a red blooded male, and I know full well that ANY male reminisces in their minds about past sexual experiences when they see the person they had these experiences with, it's pretty much hardwired into our brains, any man that says otherwise is lying. I don't know if I can be happy knowing that when they see each other he may have images in his head of my partner naked or images of the things they used to do together - it just doesn't sit right with me.

4) The way we both met was very special and exciting for me, and I thought it was the same for her. I though the way we met was new to both of us and that it made our meeting of each other special. I now know that the whole scenario of how we met is nothing new to her, the same thing happened previously to her with this man she is now 'friends' with. To me, this kind of makes the whole event of us meeting each other less special, because the exact same thing happened to her in the past.


My partner is pleading with me to believe that nothing is going on with this man now, nor has anything happened between them since they last slept together about 4 years ago. She swears to me that she is madly deeply in love with me and wants to build a life with me and eventually get married etc. But at the same time she says that she should still be able to maintain her friendship with this man. They are often texting each other also, and she says that it isn't a problem because they are only ever txt as friends would - so why did she lie to me about meeting up with this man? She claims that she lied to me because she thought I wouldn't have understood and that she knew I wouldn't have been happy with her meeting him. If she knew I wouldn't be happy about their meeting, why did she go ahead and do it anyway - it opens a lot of questions to me as to just how much respect she has for me.

My personal opinion from past experience, is that once you have slept with someone a friendship can never be the same as a friendship where no sex has taken place. I believe that once you have slept with someone, it takes away the taboo of doing it again, if you understand what I mean? I feel like there will always be this intimate connection between them and the possibility of them 'falling' into bed with each other again is always there, even though she tells me this would never happen and they never see each other in this way anymore.

Sorry for the long winded explanation of my situation, but I feel really hurt right now and just want to make sure I give an accurate description of my circumstances.

Please, anyone willing to take the time to read this, I'd greatly appreciate your thoughts on all of this. I will try to contribute to other areas of the forum in return to your kindness.

Many thanks

[atskitty2]

Welcome Smelting! I think you'll get some responses from both women & men, so keep checking in with us! I'm a woman & I'll give you just a brief thought or 2 because that's all I have time for right now.

I think there must have been some lack of trust in her, for you to have been investigating the bar receipt at all. Whether that was an instinctive thing, or if you're having trust issues, I don't know, but you were interested enough in a single receipt to go looking for more information. Do you have reasons not to trust her?

She did lie, whether by omitting the changing details of that evening, or by really telling you something different. Her answer to that is rather revealing to me that she knows you don't trust her & it's been an ongoing theme in your relationship.
The lie about how you two met, could be an outright lie, or could be a different perspective that she has about meeting the other guy at work. It could be she meant she never met anyone & dated them from work before, or been so sneaky about it, or that other relationship was just sexually based. I don't know. Ask her about it.

The best thing to do is sit down together when you have a large window of time, and talk all these things out. Have a heart to heart, soul-baring discussion about it all & say what you think, feel & get it all into the open. Talk calmly, logically & as a couple working toward a common goal, without accusations or such.

I imagine you wonder what else she's lying about. Talk to her. Find out if there's really something legitimate to be hiding, or if she's afraid of the consequences of you finding out she did something rather innocent...like have a drink w/a friend.
My ex-husband had trust issues toward the end of our marriage especially. If I went to the mall & didn't buy something I was accused of cheating. I stopped telling him I went to the mall, because I didn't want to hear the comments about who I screwed there...I was really just looking for something, didn't find it so I left. It was much more peaceful to just not tell, unless he did ask specifically, and then I told him. I didn't want/need another pointless discussion.

There are probably lots of men who picture your girl naked, not just this guy. It doesn't mean she is allured by it, or even likes it. It isn't her fault what anyone else thinks or fantasizes about, and it certainly doesn't mean she could fall into bed with him.

So, I certainly don't mean to blame you here, but it sounds to me like a trust issue, and her response to it. Can you give more info?

[Smelting Pot]

Atskitty, many thanks for your reply - it is greatly appreciated.

Firstly, I completely agree that myself and my partner need to sit down and discuss this properly. I have arranged for my mother to have our little girl over night tonight so we can do this, but before I go home all guns blazing, I just wanted to get the perspective of some outsiders, so to speak.

The thing is, she has never given me a reason to not trust her before now, and I've never had any issues trusting her either.

When my partner very first introduced me to this male friend, a gut instinct told me that there was some history between them - don't ask me why I though this but it was just a feeling I had. I asked her if this was the case and she promised me that nothing had ever happened between them. I asked her to please tell me the truth as I'd be hurt if I found out otherwise later. She still claimed nothing had ever happened between them. To tell you the truth, it doesn't bother me that my partner has had other sexual partners in the past, we all have history with other people. However, when it concerns a person that she still sees and keeps in touch with, I'd like to know - not sure if I'm wrong for thinking this but it's just how my mind works.

In regards to the receipt; I literally got home from work, and the receipt was sitting there on the floor - I have no idea how it got there. I was about to throw it out but thought I'd best check it incase it was for something we had bought and need to keep the receipt for. I only decided to investigate when I saw the receipt was for a bar that we had not visited in a long time, nor had she mentioned anything about visiting with friends recently either. I just found it odd - that's when I discovered that the date on the receipt was the same date she told me she was meeting a girl friend.

I'm not generally a suspicious person, but on the same night she lied to me and went and met a man she used to sleep with, she also txt me and said her phone battery was about to die so I wouldn't be able to get in touch with her, however, at the end of the night she called me to tell me she was on her way home - which leads me to believe she turned her phone off rather than her battery dying. Why would she need to do that unless something untoward was happening.

The thing that worries me most about her lying to me is that I fell for it 'hook line and sinker'. And the thing is her lie was so elaborate, she made up a whole night of events that 'happened' at her girl friends house, just to cover up the fact that she had been to see an ex. If she was able to invent a whole night of events, and have me wholeheartedly believe them, what's to say she hasn't done so before or will do so again??


The whole situation with how we met; to me it was very special, I had never met anyone at work before and she told me she hadn't either, which made it feel all the more special to me and I believed, to her too. Now that I've found out she has met someone from a different place of work before and had a brief relationship with a work colleague in the past, it just makes the basis of how our relationship started seem less special.

In regards to this man picturing her naked, I'm sure many other men do the same; she is an extremely attractive woman. However, these other men that may picture her naked only have their imagination to go on - the man she met behind my back has ACTUALLY seen her naked and done intimate things with her. The fact that he's likely to have these images in his head when they meet up makes me feel sick to my stomach. There have been occasions where myself and my partner have both gone out for a drink with this friend of hers, I've sat there having a drink with him and now I know chances are he had crude thoughts about my girlfriend in his head and images of her naked, doing things to him, while I'm sat there having a drink with him.

If this was just a male friend of hers that she genuinely didn't have any history with I'd feel completely different about the whole situation. But the fact that they do have history together make me feel really uneasy about them meeting up on their own - am I wrong to feel like this?

I believe that once two people have slept together, regardless of how long ago it happened, it makes it easier for it to happen again. I'm not saying that I think my partner is going to sleep with him, but I'm just saying the possibility is there for him to make a move on her again, and if their out drinking who's to say something wont happen if she's in a vulnerable state?

These are the reasons I don't feel comfortable with her carrying on this friendship with him, especially meeting up with him alone. Am I wrong to be feeling like this?

Thanks again!

[KMonte85]

IMO, the fact that they had a romantic relationship before you came into the picture is of no consequence. I know plenty of people who tried their hand at being a couple, and found they were better as friends. That's not unusual, and two people in a secure relationship shouldn't bat an eyelash at it - so long as they are both LEGITIMATELY just friends. The same goes for the way you met. It doesn't make it any LESS special because of this guy. She chose you. She had some magical connection with YOU. The fact that she had a relationship with this other man does nothing to sully the way you two found each other, or make it any less special.

The problem that I see here is the lying... Did she tell you WHY she lied about it? She should have been upfront about her plans, but if she felt you were going to fight over her spending time with her friend, I can see why she did it (although it's not really a justification either). She should have been upfront about it, and she should apologize for not being truthful, but her fib doesn't mean she was doing anything beyond having a drink with her friend.

[atskitty2]

Well, I'm really big on instincts. Sure they can be wrong, but they're more often correct.
I was trying to be very positive & give the benefit of the doubt after your initial post, and i hope your discussion this evening reveals more information to help set your mind at rest. Sometimes things snowball into much more than they really were, and I hope that's all this night in question was, as far as what it looks like from your perspective. But, all those efforts with the dying phone & just an hour w/an old friend, to keep herself isolated, do seem suspect, I have to admit.

I agree w/KMonte above in all she said, especially in that because she lied doesn't indicate wrong-doing, but your SO seems to have a pattern of lying, and for what reason? Why does she even feel lying is necessary if there's nothing to hide? You're saying there's no underlying, ongoing trust issues.

No, I don't think you're wrong in your feelings, but I think digging in & finding out more is best, for the bonding & solidification of your relationship & your own peace.
Please keep us posted.

[effy2014]

Allow me to give a male perspective. There is certainly more damaging issues to the relationship than one elaborate lie. First, the whys are important. Whether or not you believe the investigative behavior was innocent, she apparently believes that you are exceptionally jealous. She believes, rightfully so, that you would not permit her to maintain a friendship with a man with whim she had a sexual relationship. Knowing this and wanting to keep the friendship, she lied about it. I doubt that she wants the other man. She chose you.

However, not only is the lying symptomatic of her lack of trust in you to deal with her friendship, but is also an indication (as KMonte wrote) that she will be deceitful to keep the peace in the relationship. That must stop. Bending the truth on unimportant things shows that she is trying to be too appeasing . . . And that when there are really important things, she may create elaborate lies. I hope the two of you talk and can create a trusting relationship where both of you can be honest AND allow each other the freedom to live life without undue jealousy. Both are relationship killers.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I can't help but feel that she knows how special your meeting was and it was voiced at the inset. That, sometimes ,people make "white lies" not to hurt someone they care about, when they know it's of no consequence to the present rather the past.

Having said that, her account may be a lie, she may in-deed have just met this guy to talk as she has stated but knows and knew of your gut feeling about him, which she "may" have told a white lie about after all it was a couple of months from what you've stated and you two have been together for a few years. So that accounts for something if you feel your relationship is on good grounds and has been for those few years.

Now you've stated that she is in her early 20's and you've been together for a few years so that suggests she was in her late teens when you met.

That's about the time that we girls kinda make mistakes in life. It also suggests that she has a cheeky streak to me, that being that she enjoyed and enjoys adventure "the stolen kisses at work" ...

If she met him purely to talk about issues as you know they are friends then so be it, that is what happened.

If she met him because there is something now missing in her life? Adventure of sorts? Then you need to sit back and look at that and hear it as relationships are constant work and sometimes we forget that lust is still important within it.

This was a couple of months ago. Do you have any suspicions that she has since met up with him again? If not, then she's not having an affair or wanting to be with him.

I don't like lying so I agree with Effy that portion of this needs to stop and you need to explain that to her.

What I feel though is that you are more hurt over the romance of how you met and how special that was to you and that this guy you believe had the same, which may not at all be the case, it may have been totally different..

You won't know that unless you talk to her and tell her and ask her to be honest and from here on as well.

You can not look at your partner however, who was only a teenager and "see" in your minds eye, that, that guy had been intimate with her as well.. That was before your time and she shouldn't have to walk on egg shells worried about how you feel about that.

I suspect that is the reason behind the lie 1 and the lie 2. She knows you and how you would have reacted and tried to not hurt you over something that she had no control over, where you are concerned, it happened before you two met and she was a teenager.

You can be friends with people you sleep with, if you see that it isn't going anywhere and not what you are after. They were only together for 2 months.

But I would probably ask her to consider your feelings, meeting at a bar is not really on drinking with a past lover.