[Jo_2014]

Hi all,

Would be very grateful for any feedback on my issues regarding my relationship.

I have been with my partner for over 2 and a half years. When we first got together it was a whirlwind romance- my first real relationship (even though in my mid twenties) and it was everything, finally my life starting looking brighter. Unfortunately while this relationship was developing, the one with my parents suffered and eventually broke down completely.

Many of those reasons were their fault as they were unsupportive of our relationship and became very jealous and controlling which upset me a lot. My partner has supported me throughout and has encouraged me not to blame myself for the breakdown of the relationship with my parents. Since then I moved out of the area to live with my partner, moving to a new place (150 miles from home), started a new job and have done my best to move on with my life and create a new one. My life on paper is perfect, two good jobs, a nice flat, lots of prospects for the future for us both. So why don't I feel happy I constantly ask myself.

He has never and would never be physically abusive towards me. Although he can get upset about the smallest things and makes me feel incredibly guilty for them. He expects me to live by the small things that bother him but does not reciprocate this with my thoughts and opinions. He will cook meals for me and go to the supermarket but he's not as organsied as me so needs constant reminding to put washing on and clean the flat- which is always left to me. He is very lazy in my absence most of the time. He used to refuse to work more before he got his permanent job which caused me a lot of stress but this has since improved. When i look back to that time i don't know how i stayed with him

I have been to see a counsellor although i can no longer gain anything from the sessions as i feel i need to just make a decision. I feel so tired and drained and don't like being around others . My work is exhausting me as I work long shifts on a hospital ward in a stressful and demanding environment. I have no energy and dread going to work as find it so hard to hide how i'm feeling. I have never told anyone other than my counsellor the struggles I am going through. I tell my partner all the time how I feel like I can't cope and he doesn't listen to me and says i'm doing well and i'm not that stressed. I've probably been saying that every week since we've been together.

I have at times wanted to rebuild a relationship with my parents and brother as I have always missed having my own family in my life and sharing things with them used to be very important to me. My partners parents have been kind and supportive but I sometimes feel that I need more support in my life. They do not speak to my partner and I that often and I miss having more contact with others in my life. My partner and his parents do not want anything to do with my parents. This does not make me feel like I have a fair choice over making a new relationship with them again or not, due to the repercussions this will cause to my current relationships with my partner and his family. So i therefore have to choose.

I sometimes feel like I'm not really heard by anyone and no one understands how I feel. My partner will listen to me but seems to spend too much time trying to build me up when a confidence boost isn't what i'm looking for. I want to be able to sleep at night, relax on my time off, make friends with people and enjoy life more as well as find a general feeling of contentment. All i feel these days is tense, tired and stressed. I have also found I have had a serious lack of confidence which i am continuing to battle especially at work which is bothering me a lot at the moment.

I feel like no one understands what it has been like for me making a choice to take to the grave- that i will have nothing to do with my family no matter what for the rest of my life. I don't know what his parents expect my parents to do to put it right. My parents have sent flowers, cards, letters and begged me to get in touch with them as soon as i moved away.

I have come really close to ending my relationship due to being so unhappy but worry about making the wrong decision.

Any advice would be great.

Thanks Jo X

[atskitty2]

I would like more detail as to the breakdown of your relationship with your family. That is important to me because it seems like they are interested in reconciliation and you are rejecting them?
Why does it have to be one family or the other?

Lots of questions but I will start there.

[Jo_2014]

Thanks for your reply.

When my partner and I got together my Mum kept calling me and demanding me to spend as much time with her as i was with my partner. We were obviously spending more and more time together and i wasn't seeing them so much. My parents both became very angry about this and they tried to make me very guilty about it, saying i was 'making them ill'. They then started calling me 'ungrateful', 'callous', 'uncaring' to name a few. They started saying i'd 'changed' which i didn't find very supportive at the time given that i was embarking on a new relationship and was excited about it. When i spoke to them about places my partner and I had gone and i wanted to share things with them they told me 'we don't want to hear about him', in those explicit words and i was so disappointed. They would both call me and shout down the phone at me and i turned more and more to my partner for support as their behaviour towards me continued. They did A LOT of things, a lot of irrational things which led to the police putting a harassment order against them which they continuously fought, stating they were my family and could do what they liked. They continued to do this, calling the police telling them my partner was raping me, abducting me, controlling me, anything to get their attention. I continued to ignore this, suppressing all the hurt and upset and trying to continue with my life that very nearly fell apart after three hard years of work at Uni.

So two and a half years have passed by and i think to myself now, what was all the fuss about? Why have i got to live without my family? My partner and his parents won't give them the time of day after how they treated me and how they behaved in general. It was so humiliating for me when my parents behaved this way. I can hardly dispute their reaction, its how i've obviously felt.

I have been going to counselling to try to deal with misplaced blame, as i continue to this day to blame myself for the breakdown of our relationship even though i did nothing actively to break it and tried to hold onto it for as long as i could.

[Jo_2014]

Thanks for your reply.

When my partner and I got together my Mum kept calling me and demanding me to spend as much time with her as i was with my partner. We were obviously spending more and more time together and i wasn't seeing them so much. My parents both became very angry about this and they tried to make me very guilty about it, saying i was 'making them ill'. They then started calling me 'ungrateful', 'callous', 'uncaring' to name a few. They started saying i'd 'changed' which i didn't find very supportive at the time given that i was embarking on a new relationship and was excited about it. When i spoke to them about places my partner and I had gone and i wanted to share things with them they told me 'we don't want to hear about him', in those explicit words and i was so disappointed. They would both call me and shout down the phone at me and i turned more and more to my partner for support as their behaviour towards me continued. They did A LOT of things, a lot of irrational things which led to the police putting a harassment order against them which they continuously fought, stating they were my family and could do what they liked. They continued to do this, calling the police telling them my partner was raping me, abducting me, controlling me, anything to get their attention. I continued to ignore this, suppressing all the hurt and upset and trying to continue with my life that very nearly fell apart after three hard years of work at Uni.

So two and a half years have passed by and i think to myself now, what was all the fuss about? Why have i got to live without my family? My partner and his parents won't give them the time of day after how they treated me and how they behaved in general. It was so humiliating for me when my parents behaved this way. I can hardly dispute their reaction, its how i've obviously felt.

I have been going to counselling to try to deal with misplaced blame, as i continue to this day to blame myself for the breakdown of our relationship even though i did nothing actively to break it and tried to hold onto it for as long as i could.