[honeybee888]

Hello,
I have posted on this site a couple times about my boyfriend and our problems. They are all about sexual/attraction issues. I will start off with some background. I am a sensitive person. I always have been. I was teased a lot in middle school/high school for my physical appearance and also my interests. I have always had an issue with my weight. I am skinny. I had very messed up teeth also. In middle school and high school i was called anorexic and got turned down from guys because of my teeth and got asked out as a joke on a couple of occasions. I went through a lot of things like that to mess with my head and make me feel very bad about my looks. We moved my senior year of high school from texas to georgia and that was the first good school year i have had in a while. Now I am 26. I am 5 3 and 115 lbs and thanks to braces and bridges my teeth are now fine lol. I have always clung to male attention. I do not like that aspect of me and work hard to be happy with myself. I have been in an abusive relationship 6 yrs ago with kids father. After that I have had relationships where porn and other women have been an issue. I will admit I have had more unhealthy relationships that healthy ones. I have break downs every so often and some days i feel i cant even look in the mirror.

Now between me and my current partner:
I have been with him for almost 2 years. We started living together 3 months ago. He does fine with my children. He has been there when I have needed him. He is 27 years old. Our emotional connection is fine i think. We have sex 1-2 times a week.
We have had issues with him and porn. He used to look at craigslist personals for girls (but would never contact them). When we first got together he was talking to a girl behind my back but never did anything or even hung out with her (to my knowledge). He used to, and still occasionally does, make comments about other women. We have broken up once for a few weeks about a year ago.
This week, when i was getting ready for a shower i tied my hair back like the lady in i dream of genie. i came out of the bathroom (with nothing on) singing the theme song and said i could grant him wishes. He said let me have sex with another girl. I didnt show I was upset but asked if he was kidding and he said yes. I told him it hurt me the next day and he said sorry he was only kidding. The next day when we were working out he said he thinks its odd how some hot girls have lots of muscle tone in their arms since its usually men that have it. That comment rubbed me the wrong way. (overly sensitive maybe?) Then the day after that he had looked at porn and when I was sitting beside him he was on facebook and a girl had put up a picture of her in a yoga type position. she is a pretty girl. he basically stared at it until i said hey now im right here. That triggered a huge emotional response from me. I had my break down infront of him. During our 'conversation' about it he said yes there are some women that he wants more than me. Yes he is attracted to other people. I am the one with the problem and he wouldnt care if i did the same to him. He said he was still attracted to me and still likes having sex with me. He also said however, that attraction always fades, not completely, but fades off the longer you are with someone. All this deeply hurt me. I understand people find other people attractive. I understand he will look at porn. I have a problem with the fact that he said he wants some women more than me and he fantasizes about them and not me. I do not understand why he would be with someone he is not that attracted to it seems. When i say that he says its my imagination, he is attracted to me and he does like being with me. Is what he feels natural for men? am i over reacting because of the issues listed above? where do i draw the line!??!?!? I am so sad and depressed.

[Stillness]

Hey honeybee! Welcome.

I don't think it's natural for men to behave or feel the way your boyfriend does. I don't think you're overreacting.

I do find other women attractive, but thoughts of my wife dominate my fantasy world. I feel more of an attraction now than ever. I don't know that it has to be that way or will always be that way, but we've been married for 14 years and that's how it is.

And regardless of how hot things are, some considerations are just human - not male or female. It's cold-hearted to tell someone that's exposed themselves and is coming to fulfill your wishes that you want someone else or to drool over pictures of other women right in front of them. Especially when you know they've been bullied and have issues with self-esteem. I think that because of those issues, you may be attracted to men who tear you down, instead of building you up.

I don't know how you fix things or where you draw the line. It's probably going to have to start with knowing you are beautiful and that you have value. That value does not come from how a man views you. People who have that sense will either be with someone who recognizes that or be single.

[raindancer]

I'm a woman, I love my man and desire him. And yet, I do have fantasies that have nothing to do with him. And there are other men I find more handsome than him. But he's the one I love, he's the one I want to live the rest of my life with. Sexual fantasies may be over the top things. Many of my fantasies, I wouldn't like to live in real life. And I see gorgeous men around and sex, too. But the fact I can admire them doesn't change in the least the love I nurture for my man.

Another thing is curiosity. And variety. Some people would like to have sex with other partners, sometimes. I've had (with the knowledge and agreement of my man). It was great, fantastic experiences, and it didn't change my strong desire for my man. My man is free to have sex with other women. He never does. I have done a feel things and don't feel like repeating them.

I just wanted to give you another perspective.

Now, I do think he's a little frustrated, because he'd like to have sex with other women and isn't doing good it. But if that hurts you, you shouldn't accept the act. But you can't control his fantasies.

I send you a hug. You're hurting and that's bad. I understand you. Take care.

[honeybee888]

"Now, I do think he's a little frustrated, because he'd like to have sex with other women and isn't doing good it. But if that hurts you, you shouldn't accept the act. But you can't control his fantasies. "


I do agree with that statement based off of his actions. but if he is frustrated and is willing to hurt me by commenting that way and letting it be known just how much he finds other women attractive, why won't he just be single so he can explore these other women?