[sourpuss]

Hi ladies.
I'm looking for some advice here. Hopefully someone can give me some good tips to deal with this.

I'm in a situation where I am being bullied by someone. It's constant. A snide comment is made about everything I do, wear, say, eat....etc etc. You get the idea. A lot of times it is in front of others, just to make it that much worse.

I know the root of it. Her dad did it to her, her whole life. She is insecure, overweight and unhappy. She is jealous of me and bullying is how it manifests itself.

Situations being what they are, I cannot say anything to her. I've explored every option and at this point the only thing I can do is not let it get to me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I guess what I'm looking for is ways to turn the little comments around in my mind. To not let it get to me and tick me off and control me so much. I don't know if any of that makes sense, but I'm having a hard time not stewing over it all the time.

I can't change the situation I'm in and I can't change her.

What to do?

[Little]

They say to "ignore" bullies, but that's never worked for me. So, I bully back. It works in the short term, but as for the long term, I doubt it.
"Bullying back" only works in places where you can get away with it, ie, schools where the teachers know that you are being mistreated by another person and they can't do anything. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work in a workplace or family situation.
As another option, instead of getting angry, you can proactively choose to pity her every time she says or does anything aggressive. Think about how stunted her development was, and how lucky you are to have grown up with a healthy childhood. If you live in the south, give her the double whammy of putting your hand to your heart, shaking your head, tsk tsking, and even a "bless your heart" if it's deserved. Immediate demotion.
Once a bully finds that they can't bully you, they move on. The problem is finding out how to make them realize it.
Good luck, and I hope you can resolve this soon

[Rose5]

It's always good to avoid ugly confrontations, at least it always makes me feel awful, but you have to let her know she's stepping on your toes. I find that insensitive people don't realize they are hurting you. They are just oblivious to it. Find a time you are not angry and tell her how her comments bother you. I have a sister-in-law who, although she has a good heart, is rather pushy and sometimes rude. She lives in another state so that makes it a little easier. If you wait for the anger to build up you could end up having an argument. We can't go around looking for a reason to be insulted because if you look for a reason you will always find one but this person is attacking you personally. You have a right to be respected. She needs to know that you have rights too. Good luck.

[C]

Unfortunately I, too, had a situation like that years ago. To make matters worse, she was my boss. I think she was one of the most unhappy people I have ever met. Like your person you speak about, she too was overweight. But she was my boss.....

I tried talking to her and this worked for a while but after a while I realized out of the twelve people working she had her pets. I was not one of them but she sure knew how to take care of her favorites. I found the best thing was just snapping back at her when I could not accomplish anything. I knew she was not going to fire me and felt if I kept it inside I would just plain blow up.....She left before I left and I did not go to her going away party. I would have been happy to give her one and paid for it all myself if she would have left three years earlier....I hope it all turns out well for you....Life is too short to be miserable...

[sourpuss]

Unfortunately I, too, had a situation like that years ago. To make matters worse, she was my boss. I think she was one of the most unhappy people I have ever met. Like your person you speak about, she too was overweight. But she was my boss.....

I tried talking to her and this worked for a while but after a while I realized out of the twelve people working she had her pets. I was not one of them but she sure knew how to take care of her favorites. I found the best thing was just snapping back at her when I could not accomplish anything. I knew she was not going to fire me and felt if I kept it inside I would just plain blow up.....She left before I left and I did not go to her going away party. I would have been happy to give her one and paid for it all myself if she would have left three years earlier....I hope it all turns out well for you....Life is too short to be miserable...

That made me laugh.

Thank you for the advice ladies. Being bullied really does suck. I'll try what you've suggested and see what happens. To this point all I've done is try to avoid her and ignore it and it is definitely not working.

[LadyLane]

You didn't mention the type of relationship you have with her, but I think most people at one point or another have had that happen.

I had a boss that did that to me for over a year... I was miserable, loved where I worked and the people there, but the owner had it out for me. Don't even know why she hired me. She was jealous of me, for reasons I never understood. She also probably should have been on some type of medication. I refused to quit and give her the satisfaction of thinking she drove me out, which she did to other employees. The only thing I could think of that I would say to her in rebuttal when she said rude things to me was, "I don't know what you're talking about." It would make her nuts because she was trying to get to me and I played dumb. I thought it was easier to pretend I didn't understand her comments than to act like I was upset by them. Then I'd go home and freak out to my husband.

Ended up I quit and she fired me at the same time. It felt great, though. I told her every single thing I had held back.

[sourpuss]

Playing dumb may be a good idea. That would force her to own her snide comments and actually repeat them. It would also get the attention of the people around. Most of the time she tries to slip little insults under the radar so making her explain or repeat them may at least get her to shut the hell up.

[Fallen1]

One of my favorite sayings is "a miserable being looks for a more miserable being" - got that from Disnney's Lady and the Tramp.

Apparently this person is a miserable person and is trying to make herself feel better by tearing you down. I kind of like the idea of playing dumb also. If she has to repeat it and/or explain herself, especially in front of others it may make her think twice about it and eventually put a stop to it.

You know she's the one with the problem so don't let it get you down.

Good luck!

[SorridLives]

It sounds easier said than done, but I think you are right. It probably would be better to consider the source. Maybe if you dropped some light, almost benign statements back as a warning, that would put her in her place?

[LadyLane]

Since I get the sense that this is in a business setting, and she's not the absolute and final in higher-ups, you can very definitely start writing down dates and times and what she says to you.

And if it goes on long enough, or continues to go on after you change tactics - either bring it to the attention of her boss, or sue for harassment. Sexual harassment isn't the only type. If you're her employee, legally she has no right to treat you this way.

Unfortunately if you don't have a green card or are being paid under the table, there's nothing to do about it.

Good luck.