I've spent my life with people interfering in my happiness and actively working to destroy it. Some of it verbal, some of it physical, and plenty of it potentially abuse. No support, no help, all my peers ostracizing me.... So I get to college and again ostracized, made fun of.... The girls were less mature than some of my highschool.
In my mind people's perceived hell cannot be worse than the world itself, all people are spiteful, no one supports anyone, no one is a trustworthy friend, no one is safe to talk to.... I'd wanted to die my entire teenage years until I just no longer cared anymore. There was nothing but this dull constant ache inside me. No other emotion could be noticed around that.
In a bold move of stubbornness I opened the door to a martial arts dojo and shaking a bit managed to smoothly ask if I could watch. It took some xanax for a few months but there I met people who cared, people who were supportive, people who helped... I learned to defend myself when all my life people had just been telling me to take it. There is this one day where I was being thrown, wasn't yet in position, looked down at the mat and was utterly shocked by the thought that I didn't want to get hurt... then I pulled off the fall. I think I spent a week puzzling over that feeling because it had been so long since getting injured or not ever crossed my mind. It's been about 10years since that day. I'm not sure when I started to care that I live but I know it is all because of the owners of the dojo and the people who trained there.
I want to somehow tell them the state I was in when I walked in their door and to thank them for that moment on the mats. It's just so not my style. I'm crying thinking about it and that's not something I show to people. I don't want to make things weird between us even though we don't see each other much since the school had to be closed and they are gone doing swordsmanship demos every weekend or sometimes for weeks at a time. So maybe I shouldn't put it out there. I also wonder if I am doing this cause I want to thank them or for me.
I don't know. The card I ordered that shows our shared interests will be here in about a week and then I have to decide if I'm going to make a weak thank you for a few minor things they've done lately (ie trimming dog toenails while I was out of commission with my surgery) or truly say the difference it's made.
In my mind people's perceived hell cannot be worse than the world itself, all people are spiteful, no one supports anyone, no one is a trustworthy friend, no one is safe to talk to.... I'd wanted to die my entire teenage years until I just no longer cared anymore. There was nothing but this dull constant ache inside me. No other emotion could be noticed around that.
In a bold move of stubbornness I opened the door to a martial arts dojo and shaking a bit managed to smoothly ask if I could watch. It took some xanax for a few months but there I met people who cared, people who were supportive, people who helped... I learned to defend myself when all my life people had just been telling me to take it. There is this one day where I was being thrown, wasn't yet in position, looked down at the mat and was utterly shocked by the thought that I didn't want to get hurt... then I pulled off the fall. I think I spent a week puzzling over that feeling because it had been so long since getting injured or not ever crossed my mind. It's been about 10years since that day. I'm not sure when I started to care that I live but I know it is all because of the owners of the dojo and the people who trained there.
I want to somehow tell them the state I was in when I walked in their door and to thank them for that moment on the mats. It's just so not my style. I'm crying thinking about it and that's not something I show to people. I don't want to make things weird between us even though we don't see each other much since the school had to be closed and they are gone doing swordsmanship demos every weekend or sometimes for weeks at a time. So maybe I shouldn't put it out there. I also wonder if I am doing this cause I want to thank them or for me.
I don't know. The card I ordered that shows our shared interests will be here in about a week and then I have to decide if I'm going to make a weak thank you for a few minor things they've done lately (ie trimming dog toenails while I was out of commission with my surgery) or truly say the difference it's made.
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