[Ashlee T.]

Because you all watched it together in the beginning, it opened the door for that to be something comfortable and acceptable for him, in his opinion I'm sure. It's important to be careful in the beginning of a relationship that you don't set a precedent you're not truly comfortable with.

I have flopped around in my opinions of porn, good or bad, acceptable or not acceptable. I think the bottom line is if it is something that causes you this much hurt and grief, he should not be doing it. With some past boyfriends, I really didn't care if they did it or not. With others, (like my current), the idea of him purposely seeking out another female (even on tv) to turn him on and satisfy him BOTHERS me tremendously. I want that sexual/physical intimacy to be between us. When we first started dating I'd see things pop up in social media that he had "liked" and sometimes it would be a woman with big breasts, bent over or something like that. Or maybe a rear shot of a big hiney in a sexy pose. I told him I saw those things and that it made me feel terrible that he was giving another women his "vote" of approval, giving her his attention in that way. I asked him how he would feel if he saw me "liking" big penises. He said he wouldn't like it at all. Five months later, he hasn't done it again. Relationships are about mutual respect and learning each others boundaries.

I'm not advocating that you end your relationship. But, I am saying that if you can't sit down with this man and talk to him about how this makes you feel and have him genuinely CARE about that and want to work together to avoid making you feel that way, then maybe you two aren't compatible. You deserve to feel comfortable and loved and cherished and respected.

[jns]

BD has given you a great answer, based on her personal experience.

[sexy brenda]

Laura. Was it the fact that you know that he masturbates when you are out at work, whether watching porn or not that worries you? Do you not like the idea of him masturbating alone? Can I ask if you masturbate alone when he is not with you, and if so do you get satisfaction from doing it? I believe masturbation is another aspect of sex. I believe that it can only enhance a person sexually. In my early life I masturbated at every possible chance and when I am not with my husband or boyfriend I still like to do it fingering myself. I do not know if you like the idea of playing with yourself when alone but you should possibly try it out.

[Motorguy]

Well Laura, I could only suggest if this bothers you that BF watches porn and masturbates when you're at work. How about you ask you're BF you like to watch porn with him as this can be a real turn on together in bed. You're putting way to much into all this just be happy he's not going out chasing around other women he's home doing self pleasure instead.
I hope you can see this is no big deal at all so good luck In the future.

[sexy brenda]

Yes self pleasure is better than going around with any girl he could pick up for sex. Porn can be very stimulating I like it. Give it a try.

[macon]

Laura--Men are often clueless about how women function and how they feel. Your man's behavior sounds clueless, not malicious or indicating he doesn't care about you.

Women and men are inherently different in attitudes and feelings about sex. It often bugs women that men think about sex, look at and are attracted to other women, and--in an age when porn is a click away--look at and masturbate to porn. To women who don't like these, they feel like betrayal. However, it also bugs men that some women have this idea that men's desire for other women is bad. It feels shaming and controlling. This is a fundamental conflict rooted in how we are made.

In our Puritanism-based culture, it's easy for women to take the moral high ground on this. It's easy to see men as having this bad aspect they need to control and, if possible, cut off. This attitude isn't right, but it's understandable and, as far as I can tell, it's hard--even very hard--for a woman to learn to see things differently. Particularly if she's had men betray her and ignore or demean her wishes and feelings in the past, she can feel anything a man does with his desire that isn't focused on her is yet another betrayal. That makes this conflict a hard one to deal with. However, the men in her past who did this to her aren't there any more. That reality is over. Whatever attitudes and feelings she has, she's dealing with this man she has now, his particular desires and his particular ways of dealing with them.

You aren't wrong in having this attitude; you're not wrong in feeling betrayed. You are who you are, you feel what you feel, and you want what you want. But recognize that this attitude can be as damaging to a relationship as are a man's private actions--involving no other person--done to satisfy his innate desires. I don't know your man, but he could simply be a guy who likes a lot of sex and has desires that fulfillment of would betray you. If so, he's doing what he can to satisfy those desires without going outside your relationship. However, knowing you don't like it and continuing anyway is a different issue I'll address below.

While looking at porn and masturbating aren't, in themselves, a betrayal, allowing them to interfere with or substitute for intimacy and sex with a partner is. The deal between a man and a woman is they are for each other, emotionally and physically. Men know this and most want it. When a man goes down the porn-and-masturbation road to the point he's failing in his commitment to his woman, he needs to recognize he's crossed a line and he needs to change his behavior.

Your man owes you openness about what he feels and what he does about it. He's doing something he knows you hate, but he's trapped; he probably doesn't know what else to do. Worse, he now feels ashamed of feelings he can't control. Just as with you, he feels what he feels, he wants what he wants; the area you have to work with is what he--and you--do about his desire. He's clearly ashamed of what he's doing, so you both have some damage done to you. Doesn't sound like either of you has done it with intent to harm, but there it is. WIthin your relationship, you have two basic choices: take up behaviors in the same zone with his--masturbate by yourself or, going further, look at porn and masturbate--or hash it out.

The first option starts down a road that may or may not lead to problems. Maybe you'll feel more on a level with him and and feel better about him; your relationship and sex life will probably stabilize or improve. Or maybe, if he's expressing a fundamental dissatisfaction with your relationship, dealing with it yourself without revealing what you' re doing will keep underground a conflict that needs to be dealt with. Hidden conflicts corrode a relationship and cause more conflicts. You have to feel your way on this.

Or you can put the entire thing on the table, not just as feelings but as a decision point, insisting that something needs to happen. What needs to be on the table includes his behavior, your feelings, your attitudes that underlie these feelings, and, if he will be honest, as you're being honest, his feelings and attitudes that underlie his behavior. This can go several ways.

1) One of the other of you may not be able to accept the other's attitudes and feelings. That's a hard situation, but not impossible. Resolution will depend on the depth of your commitment to each other and your mutual willingness to keep the topic open and keep working on the issue.

2) One or both of you will come into a new land, where you see things differently and your attitudes, feelings, and behavior change. His behavior doesn't bother you as much any more, or your feelings take on such weight that he alters his behavior.

3) You open up things that take you beyond the current feelings-behavior conflict. Maybe you discover feelings conflicts elsewhere that make him feel a little cut out of your relationship. Deal with those as appropriate. Maybe he's just not getting enough sex or not getting the kind of sex he wants. Guys hide things not because they are bad, but because they have all kinds of shame around their desire. They fear women will judge and/or reject them. The more open and nonjudgmental you are, the more likely he is to reveal desires you never knew about. Maybe you need to amp up your sexual relationship. He'll love this; the danger is you committing to something that, deep down, you feel yucky about. You just have to feel your way and set boundaries. There's a whole world of sex you can try. Look at options and pick one or some. Though both of you will have boundaries, there're so many options it's likely you'll find some that will refocus his desire on you to an extent that you are both satisfied.

I always write too much and give too much advice; sorry. I hope something in here is of value to you, if only illuminating what may be going on in your man. I really hope you sort this out. It just kills me how much pain is caused and how much love is thrown away because of simple misunderstanding.