[secret0524]

I've dated this guy for almost two-and-a-half years before we started our long distance for a month-and-a-half. We were good friends for a year and a half before we started dating during our college days. Now that it's been a few months from graduating, I have been having some thoughts in our relationship that prompted me to break up with him over the weekend. one of the biggest reasons-- I realized how much of a difficult time with this relationship (does this sound like a valid reason for me to have left?) and some of the things I have realized are:

Early on in the relationship (almost 2 and a half years ago), my boyfriend demanded the physical aspects as he groped me in inappropriate places when we were playing around, demanded a lot of PDA, and at the time, I was sexually inexperienced, he wanted to expose me to that world. Even at my resistance as I held onto my shorts and my underwear, he managed to free my arms and finger me down there. He's done this to me three times for the past week or two after the first incident until I got used to the feeling. I've eventually learned to enjoy this and has been a regular part of our relationship. Although I did not know how to feel at the time, I thought this was normal and what a boyfriend does. I've confronted him about this a couple times at different points in our relationship but his response was "is this something we are going to deal with at court?" or "you didn't like it before but you like it now. Why does it matter?" or something along that line. As I look back, I question whether I genuinely enjoyed this part of the relationship or have done it to make him happy...

His personality tends to be that of a pessimist- he tends to be negative about a lot of things. He would tell me that I should lose 10 lbs as he liked my body during that phase of my life and how he likes a woman with a nice body. He even said that if he becomes rich, he wants a pretty wife with decent intelligence then changed his mind and said she doesn't even have to be smart. When I got accepted into my professional school program, he was stating how my field is such a "cop-out" and how I might not survive if I don't change my immaturity. He also complained about my drinking habits (which is mostly going out with my close college friends at a bar) to his friends, who took my side as I am not destructive and try to keep my life together. He also stated those friends I hang out with are not good influences to me as he feels they "party too much".

Within a month before our long distance relationship began, he didn't seem to take much interest in me. He never asked when my white coat ceremony was, offered to help with moving, nor did he try to see me as much as he could before I left-- I had to ask him for EVERYTHING so it didn't quite felt genuine either. During my move, my friends back home and my classmates at my program reached out to me and helped me with the rough moving times-- I was amazed that I didn't even have to ask for anything. More I thought about it, more I started to wonder whether he cared enough for the relationship. That's when these thoughts started to kick in, torture me while he was gone I got to re-evaluate these things as now I didn't spend every day with him like i did for two years.

I know it sounds like I'm focusing on only the negative aspects of the relationship (my ex has mentioned this to me before and has stated it's all getting to my head) but we still had a lot of good times. He was one of my closest friends and one of the few people I ever trusted in my life. He was someone I could be comfortable with even though we did not have much in common. We had many cycles where I would leave because I'm unhappy and then he tries to talk me into getting me back with him. However, I no longer have the will to continue on a relationship where I no longer feel happy. But part of me wonders, although a lot of time has passed and I have swept things under the rug, why do these things seem to matter more to me than ever? Is this kind of feeling normal or am I just desensitized to this kind of treatment or just simply crazy?


We ended quite amicably (lot of the details I have mentioned were not talked about during our breakup as I felt it would have gotten anywhere" and decided to be friends as I felt there was no need to burn bridges. However, he did ask me to come by to see him next time I visit home so we can catch up and hang out. While I did appreciate that he tried to end well, I am worried that he might try to win me back during one of those visits--- is that a valid concern if it's only been almost a week since our break up?

[Stillness]

It seems like sexual assault is a valid concern if you go see him. Even with a normal relationship, where people aren't being forced sexually, they often need time apart to sort through their feelings. But the way you describe him (and have described him for the past couple of years) it doesn't seem like he cares much for your feelings or consent. That's not just "what a boyfriend does."

That's not how men are. That's how selfish people and rapist are.

We all have selfish moments, but I don't think you're crazy for leaving someone that minimizes your feelings on a regular basis - even from before your relationship started. I think you've matured and have started to see clearly what he is and what life with him would be. Good for you! Some people aren't able to do that until they're married with kids, have a house together and finances all tied up, and are absolutely miserable. It sounds like you're potentially saving yourself a lot of heartache.

[Ashlee T.]

I think the writing is on the wall (no pun intended). This guy isn't the guy for you, no matter how much you want it to work. You have seen the signs for a long time now, and they finally accumulated to the point that you got it. Does it mean he's evil and terrible? No, of course not. Does it mean there is something wrong with you? Absolutely not. It just means you two aren't right for each other.

It is completely normal to feel regret and longing after a breakup from a long relationship. That does not mean you made a mistake. A mistake would be trying to keep ties with this man. Breakups are called that for a reason. Cut your ties, move on with your life and consider this a phase of learning in your life. We all have those.

It's time to free yourself, emotionally and physically, from this person so you can truly see what all life has to offer you. And trust me, life has more to offer you than a man who doesn't make you feel loved, respected, and cherished.

[Popcorn&Candy]

You're not focusing on the negatives at all and you're not paranoid or nuts to realize he's not the right guy for you. You DON'T have to be grateful he loved you or feel guilty that you've seen the downsides of the relationship. No one should ever put up or shut up. You need your freedom and your own life. I don't think a controlling boyfriend is really what you had wanted. You were right to end the relationship. I can't say I'm an expert on your ex boyfriend, but, from what you've posted, I would not date a man like that. You're right to have self respect and pride.