[trk1959]

3 years ago my daughters father and I divorced. He was an alcoholic and I made the choice to leave. We immediately established joint custody, as he was always a wonderful father and didn't drink around our daughter... We had our ups and downs, but over time we have developed a good friendship. We split the time with our 5 year old 50/50. Now... I have been in a relationship for 2 years. The guy is great...we have our moments though. My daughters dad is sober now and has become the man I remember when we first met... he's doing so wonderful and has so much life back in his eyes. My boyfriend asked me to marry him about 2 weeks ago....and all I can think about is my ex husband.... what do I do?! How do I know if I'm just missing memories, or if it is my intuition telling me to try again... I feel so lost. We had such a close relationship and no one has ever made me laugh the way he did.... I constantly compare my relationship to my ex....the differences are night and day... I just don't know what to do. I love them both I'm just not sure why I am feeling this way.... any help or input is greatly appreciated.

[amy40]

is your ex husband interested in you besides friendship now?
what did you tell your boyfriend when he asked you to marry him, did you say yes or have to think about it?

[Ashlee T.]

Hey there! Welcome to WH! First and foremost, I think the most critical thing here is not what you feel for your ex, it is what you don't feel for your current fiance. I don't get the impression that you're enthusiastic about that relationship, or deeply in love with this guy. I think reevaluating that relationship FIRST is critical. Forget your ex for a moment.... do you really want to marry this new man? Do you really want to BE with him? If the answer is no, then make the break now and do not let it depend on whether or not your ex is waiting in the wings. Start there first.

Now...the ex. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic, even when they are in recovery and even when they have been clean for years. You've only been apart for 3 years, and it has only been recently that he's stopped drinking. He has not been sober NEARLY long enough to consider going down that road again. That isn't fair to you and it's definitely not fair to your daughter. What happens if you go back and then suddenly she has mom and dad again together, then a few months or even a year down the road he starts the drinking again?

I think it's very normal to have deep feelings for the man who fathered your child. At one time, you two shared something great. Don't hang on to what was. Instead, look clearly at what IS. You CAN have that again with the right person. Don't sell yourself short.

[trk1959]

Beautiful Disaster - Thank you so much. That is beautiful advice. My current BF and I have definitely had a rough road. It has improved a lot over the last few months. I can see myself with him and I do love him, if my ex wasn't part of the picture I would easily be able to say I want to spend my life with him. My ex being in the picture though...is what creates the doubt. I guess what you said helps a lot and makes sense- that I will always share this bond with my daughters father... I'm just trying to sort through whether it is my intuition telling me I should try with him again or whether it's just memories I'm thinking of....

[Ashlee T.]

You're welcome. Memories are POWERFUL aren't they? I was engaged in my early twenties and my ex fiancé still contacts me (he's married with children) and talks about how much he misses me and how he wishes he had done things different. It's been over 10 years since we split. The bottom line is, he isn't happy where he is and it is causing him to live in the past in his head. I have no doubt he loves me, but I also have no doubt that if he were in a truly happy and fulfilled relationship, he would not be missing me like he does.

My point is that when you're not truly happy in your current situation, it is easy for the mind to revert back to moments in time where you did feel the happiness you're seeking. The dangerous part of that is that our memories also tend to block out or minimize the BAD times causing us to sometimes remember things differently than they truly were.

I do not think it's your intuition telling you to get back with him. I think its your intuition telling you that you're not happy where you are and aren't getting what you need from the relationship.

[atskitty2]

I'm with BD here.

Reading your response, that's pretty clear. your answer to BD question and the fact that you're questioning where you should be at all, is info enough that you're not really happy and fulfilled in the current relationship.

[trk1959]

Thank you guys ❤ Memories are insanely powerful... I do love the man I'm with. Our relationship is just a different dynamic than what I had before. My ex and I were like a couple of kids, always smiling and laughing and dancing. We were goofy and made each other laugh a LOT. My bf is pretty serious, we have a lot of fun and he has helped me grow tremendously. We just lack the little things, like being goofy or silly with each other. I know I have some thinking to do... thank you guys for your guidance. It really helped ❤

[amy40]

Sorry trk, just realized your topic post says engaged. So, congratulations and welcome to the forum! Think that is only human nature to make comparisons. In the last three years since the divorce, have you two had any discussions about why things didn't work, why you couldn't stay together while he got sober, your feelings towards each other, etc. Maybe you need a serious discussion to give closure. What has your ex said about you getting engaged? Is he happy for you and glad you are moving on? Does he have anyone else in his life? Have you discussed your feelings with your fiancé at all and is your fiancé ok with an ex husband sharing custody of child?

Have some serious discussions with these two men and you will get clarity. Best wishes.

[amy40]

My ex and I were like a couple of kids, always smiling and laughing and dancing. We just lack the little things, like being goofy or silly with each other.

You have a 5 yr old. How are your fiancé and you not laughing, being goofy, and silly?




Trk ok let us know how it goes, hoping you get closure soon! He must be super duper serious cause can't imagine not having laughter with a 5 yr old in tow.

[trk1959]

I have so much fun with my daughter. He comes along but he's just a very serious person. I established joint custody when my ex and I split up, and my fiancé also has an older son so he is supportive of joint custody. He's just really serious, he lacks a sense of humor... we bicker constantly when my daughter isn't around and it drives me nuts... my ex was supportive of the engagement, but I know he still cares about me. He has told me before. I haven't tried to talk to him much because I don't want to affect his sobriety, I just want him to get well. I do plan on talking to him. I talked with my fiancé yesterday.. hoping for closure soon.