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An epiphany

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  • An epiphany

    Some of you may remember the issues of my relationship with my wife. She has little to no desires while I'm at Devon 5. We've worked on compromises that have helped some although she still doesn't get that the high libido can't turn the desires off while the low libido doesn't even realize there's a problem.
    Anyway, I recently started analyzing deeply into what I as a man truly need. While the physical sex and release is a big part it's not the major part, it's the need to pleasure someone else.
    When I think back 35-40 years to the beginnings of my sexual experience the one constant has always been so long as my partner is being pleasured I get my pleasure. Now that she has little interest in getting pleasured where does that leave me? Or someone in my situation.
    I can get physical satisfaction, that can be done easily, it's the emotional satisfaction of pleasing that's missing.
    Call it a man thing, but women are pleasers too, how many times have you given him pleasure via a bj or hj and you get an immense satisfaction from that?
    She is capable of intense O's, but has little interest in achieving them, and sometimes that is the only thing we have to measure our pleasure-ability by.
    And while something like giving her a long massage without her O still gives me pleasure, it's not the same as seeing and feeling your partner reach a climax that you provided.

    I hope this all made some sense.

  • I totally understand caster. I remember you in name only, will have to review old posts.

    Is your wife on any medication or have physical or mental health issues?


    • Last night I basically repeated my above post to the misses. She had that "oh here we go again" look until I got to this part: "You give me pleasure with a bj or hj and you get an immense satisfaction just from doing that, right?" She nodded in agreement.
      I said "I'm not getting any of the emotional satisfaction that comes from giving pleasure."
      You could see the light bulb start to flicker on.

      So now I think she gets it, she asked what should we do about it. I didn't have an answer as right now I think she's going to have to be the one that crosses the bridge for desire, I can't do that for her, I can help her reach her climax but not the desire to want it.

      And no Kitty, there's no physical reason for her not to want it. She's just totally indifferent to it as in, it's just not important to her, she could live out the rest of her life without sex and be content.


      • So a couple weeks have past. In the meantime I bought the book "The Sexless Marriage" I'm a little over half way through and as I get to interesting or comparable parts I'll read them aloud so we can discuss it. I thought we were making good progress and she was beginning to understand until this statement last night.
        Her: "So, how often do we need to do it to make you happy"

        She just wants a number to know how often she'll need to feign interest so I'll shut up about it.
        I do hope that when she reads the entire book she'll understand better. It's well written and I'd have bought two copies so we could read together and book club it had I known. I might need to stop and let her catch up to me in it, if I can get her to read it. The title seems to tick her off.

        But, if there is one major point in the book that hits her it would be the; "some are wired different" aspect.
        The usual sexual path for most as laid out by the book is; a sexual thought, followed by desire, then arousal, sex, and Orgasm.
        For her, and according to the book many others, desire does not come easily it's: Arousal fuels the desire, so you need to do what is necessary to get aroused, which is generally some physical stimulation. Could just be a touch or kissing, or something more is needed.
        It gets deeper than that for sure but I understand the general path of desire to climax and that it's not the same for everyone. If you never experience desire you'll never initiate, if you rarely experience desire you need to learn to act on it as it will pass quickly.
        If, once you begin love making you start getting aroused and enjoying it you need to realize that's the way you work and adapt to your partner.

        It's almost like an old Viagra joke I heard many years ago. The man popped a pill, the wife went to the bedroom while he was watching TV waiting for it to kick in. When nothing happened so he said: "these things don't work" thinking it was a magic pill that created an erection, that desire and stimulation weren't necessary.


        • Originally posted by caster View Post
          In the meantime I bought the book "The Sexless Marriage" I'm a little over half way through
          Her: "So, how often do we need to do it to make you happy"

          She just wants a number to know how often she'll need to feign interest so I'll shut up about it.
          thought I read once, that a sexless marriage is ten times a year or less, so even if you do it ten times/yr, still a sexless marriage
          is that what your book says?


          • The title is misleading in that it's more about imbalance.
            It says in the first part that couples with compatible desires may find that 3-4 times a week works for them, while others are fine with once a month, so long as they're both satisfied with their sex life a number is meaningless. It's when one is needing more and the other doesn't is where the imbalance and sexless marriage term comes into play.
            It's not a numbers thing, it's not even a compromise and compatibility thing, although both are necessary, it's addressing the needs of the individuals within the couple.

            The lower libido spouse generally controls the sex in the marriage and that leads to problems and conflicts, it's also the most difficult to address because it's such a personal thing and the lower libido person becomes defensive, all they see is criticism when it's really an observation of what is happening. The higher person is actually giving them the greatest compliment, "I love you, I desire you, I want to make love with you"
            Getting both to truly see and understand the others roll in their spouses overall happiness is vital to a healthy relationship. When it's reduced to just getting the other person off, what's the point? I can do that by myself.
            There's no way I can explain it near as good as the author, and I'll probably read it again, but overall it hits our situation pretty accurately. Some of the examples don't apply but most are more about how to look at things, not the specific example used, although some are spot on.

            Other issue I have to address is the #2 thing she said last night. "I don't think we have a problem"
            Even the author says that can be tough, since they are really saying "I don't have a problem, you do" which gets back to the lower libido spouse controlling the situation.



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