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Why am i bothered by this?

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  • Why am i bothered by this?

    So, I think we all know that we form opinions about people based on many observations and encounters with that individual.
    I would like your thoughts on something that has bothered me for some time, and was recently re-visited.

    Early in dating, a few years ago, I'd met a man I eventually dated for 6 wks. He was a business owner, earning a good living, and working hard 7 days a week. He had sole custody of his kids too. I admired him and respected the hard work and dedication. I had told him that.

    Probably 2 wks into knowing him, he asked if we could have a serious discussion. He sat with me and shared his concerns about pursuing a relationship with me...and I was shocked at his revelation. He said that he had concerns that he could ever "keep me happy" based on my "manner of living".
    He said that since i drive an expensive car and seem to have expensive things....that he may never live up to my expectations.
    We discussed it for probably awhile and he was happy with the outcome. I was pleased that he was comfortable just coming out with it.

    Now, in the weeks since I lost my BMW and replaced her with a more "sensible" car, I've been shocked by the comments again.

    "I'm surprised you would be satisfied with that" was the most hurtful off-handed comment. I loved my car...but it was a car. I had no idea what picture people were painting of me because I drove it.

    Even my mailman. He is a nice old man who enjoys my dogs and we chat occasionally. He asked what happened to my car, and when I told him, he said i must be in shock to be driving such a car after having a luxury model. I told him i actually really like my new car, as my other was now 10 yrs old....he still said something about the downgrade of car...

    I'm really bothered by all this. I am not a materialistic or spoiled woman which is what everybody seems to think. Now, obviously my closer friends don't think that (i actually asked), but I'm hurt that the opinion of me by others could be so different from how I believe or live my life.

    Have any of you experienced this, outside of high school? lol.

    I do enjoy nice things, I don't deny that. I guess maybe those who know me less well, only see that to make their judgement of me, and have nothing to balance it with.

    Then I am upset that I let it bother me at all. I worked hard and bought a car i always had wanted, with my husband's help. It's gone...and that's ok too.
    It's nobody's concern. I enjoy good quality and buy it when I can. I also wait for sales. I hate that i feel self conscious about this or even feel the need to defend myself. I went out of my way a few days ago to invite someone to go thrifting with me some day. Their reaction was to laugh at me, shake their head and smile and walk away. She needed clothes for her kids, and grandkinds...i genuinely wanted to help.
    I giggled and said, hey no i really DO make rounds at the thrift stores! Then i thought, hell, maybe thrifting is beneath HER lol. and i took it that way because I'm already sensitive.

    ugh...i suddenly feel like a kid trying to to prove herself...and i hate myself for it. Not sure if I'm bothered because i fear it's true or because i believe it's so wrong.

  • it is not always indicative of wealth what people drive

    have read many millionaires drive lower cost cars and that of course, is how they became millionaires...sensible spending "per article"


    • thanks amy.
      so, you think people are judging me rightfully then, and i shouldn't be bothered by it?


      • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
        so, you think people are judging me rightfully then, and i shouldn't be bothered by it?
        judging rightfully..........no
        because it's all in a person's perspective what they think

        should you be bothered by it.....no


        • need to defend yourself......no
          but you could have said to mailman "I won't miss the higher insurance rates!"


          • Now days, people who want super expensive cars they can't afford to buy just lease them. So, type and price level of car is not always indicative of wealth. Additionally, many people who have super expensive cars and homes truly CAN'T afford them and are in lots and lots of debt up to their eyeballs struggling just to get by and no one knows that. Or, the car could've been a gift from a loving parent or grandparent or spouse. Those are the things people on the outside don't see. I live in a lower-middle class neighborhood where houses are usually 1200-1300 sq ft, valued between 115k-135k, but some of my neighbors drive super fancy vehicles.

            There's a certain amount of "stereotyping" that we all do and it generally doesn't result in derogatory treatment. I wouldn't be too offended by it. We're perceptive creatures by nature, I think. It's pretty much impossible not to form SOME type of opinion about someone, but usually they're soft opinions......meaning that we know that we don't know the person and are open to allowing that opinion to change upon getting to know them better. I think that's healthy.

            I DO think it's odd that anyone has mentioned it to you in that manner, but some people just don't have much couth.

            "Be what you're looking for."


            • I would hope that if I were dating a man he would see me as an equal: regardless of my bank account. But, then again, money can divide people. It would bother me: yes. But I think it was a good thing he could be honest with you. I am a bit of a materialistic person, actually: I like to spend money and enjoy luxuries, I won't deny that. But I am fair minded and not big headed. Anyhow, I can understand where you're coming from.


              • The thing is, I am not a high income earner...I live very modestly. My ex husband is loaded, I am not! When we split, I took the car, and little else. I didn't take any of his money. I didn't even take half the house worth, and very little furnishings from it. Our home was paid off. I took almost nothing of what I was entitled to. We had 4 vehicles. I took one. None of it. I walked away from a lot I legally was entitled to take.

                It seems like people formed opinions based on nothing more than my car. The home I bought is small.

                I bought a used car. I rolled the entire buyout of my BMW into this car so as not to have a payment. It's still a gently used, good, dependable car that suits my needs. I saw no reason to do more. I had my dream car, I'm over it!

                Maybe I am just sensitive because I never told anyone, so they don't really know what kind of person I am. None of my friends would have walked away. Especially with all he put me through. They'd have kept the house and have him paying alimony.
                Anyway, maybe it is just the price I pay for not sharing much of my private life. All they see is what they see. And it seems to explain why I am left to myself maybe. Idk. I'm making assumptions about their opinions, so, I think the takeaway here for me is to just open up a bit more, so people don't think that I'm such a snob, or whatever it is they think.


                • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                  It seems like people formed opinions based on nothing more than my car. so they don't really know what kind of person I am.
                  Anyway, maybe it is just the price I pay for not sharing much of my private life.. I'm making assumptions about their opinions, so
                  Are you mostly talking about people you work with and the mailman? I'm sure your friends know what kind of person you are.
                  What would be your purpose to share all that personal stuff about your ex? If you think it will help to make friends at work, idk. If you are in mgmt, which I think you are, one can't really be friends with subordinates. Things change once one is no longer a coworker on the same level. It's just the dynamic of the workplace.


                  • I live in a city nationally ranked for bad drivers. A lot of the bad drivers "drive" BMWs and Mercedes and cause way too much carnage.
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


                    • Well, jns, I'll admit that one reason I loved the car was for the handling. I love to drive fast, on occasion, and winding, mountain roads were what that car begged for. It was fun to drive. I miss that a lot.

                      The accident wasn't my fault, tho', for the record.

                      I've had to adjust to driving this car for sure. It wasn't built for cornering really well, or speed. And I'm fine with that.

                      Amy, people have pointed out to me many times that I am not an easy person to get to know. I would agree. I've been OK with that at work, but sometimes I do struggle with it in my personal life. I think it's been a barrier in forming new romantic relationships and new friends.
                      Last edited by atskitty2; 03-21-2017, 10:18 PM.


                      • atskitty2 - Your take away? Yes. If you want people to know who you are, let them. If you don't want to let them know who you are, then be prepared to ignore their assumptions because as I said, people will form some opinions based on what they are given whether they are right or not. We all do it.

                        "Be what you're looking for."



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