A question we need to raise! Sharing is not always caring

[Lesley]

Dear Moms and Dads! How many times did you yell at your kids on the playing ground? Saying smth like 'you have to share!' So your kid would hold to his favorite teddy or a ball, and burst into tears. Because another boy also wants to touch/see/play with his brand-new toy. And you say 'give it to him'. You say 'We must share!'

And now imagine that you came to work. You think of having a cup of filter coffee before the start of the day. And you realize that your favorite cup has disappeared from your table. In panic, you are looking for your cup. And finally see it in the hands of another colleague, whom you are nor even friends with! He is drinking something from your cup. You kindly ask him to give back. But the answer is 'But I am just looking". You start telling the other colleagues. But they yell at you and call you greedy. They say that sharing is caring. They accuse you!

This is what happens at the playing ground. I work and a primary school teacher, and also I am an aunt. When my nephew comes there with a new toy, other kids and moms start demanding that he must share. No, he mustn't! It is his property. Doesn't this little person have a right on his own thing? It is his little properly, let's respect that. We can ask, but we cannot demand.

Often we don't understand that we abuse our children by persuading them to share. We can ask. We can negotiate. But we should leave the final decision for the child to make. Sharing is not always caring. Respect your child and the rest of the children at the play ground.

[atskitty2]

I think this is especially important with the "forced affection" that so many of us grew up with. "Give everyone a hug goodbye" and there may be someone the kid doesn't wanna hug. Yet we're made to touch them.

I understand the intent of parents. I think there are mixed messages in those instructions, and many other ways kids are taught. Not sure there's a clear, no fail solution to these.

[jns]

In today's age, many children are only children, so sharing with others has to be taught with children outside of the family. In previous times, this was taught at home, requiring the children to share their toys. IMO teaching children to share is a good thing. It does take patience and a willingness to intervene. Other kids demanding the toy or toys is boorish behavior, but it does get a younger child what they want in a family setting and an older child a lesson.

[Claret]

Let's really define what the term "sharing" means to parents/guardians/teachers. It is not meant to share personal items, this goes for children as well as adults. If I send my child to school with a wonderful coat or sneakers for example, I'm certainly not approving of my child sharing these items. the same would go for any item considered proprietary or personal. On the other hand, if I send my child to school or a party or a playground with a big bag of tempting candy, yes I'm going to teach that child to share with the others in the same place and/or interactive with my child. I've seen children hoarding things (easily shared) that by with-holding from others actually hurt the others. This is especially important when two or three are given the opportunity to "share" and a fourth one is left out. This is NOT a nice concept and if on-going can really undercut the fourth's sense of being. If you invite people into your home and they have a child the same age as yours, then I think yes, sharing must be taught here as well and this could include toys.

Sharing can teach children to be more generous when they grow up. They can figure out that those who have much should share with those of lesser circumstances, hence donating, volunteering and caring for those less fortunate.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I agree with both of you, Lesley and Claret. I don't have any other comments to make, but I like both your posts, as you've both made valid points.

[Lesley]

Hi again! To tell the truth, I didn't expect to raise a discussion here. However, I am glad we are expressing our opinions.

Atskitty, this is another strong point. We often make kids kiss not only their beloved grannies, but our friends, uncles, and aunts, who they don't feel any empathy for. Why shall I give a kiss to a person I see for the first time, scare off or dislike? For instance, my older brother tells his daughter to kiss me goodbye every time I come. But I never insist. Sometimes we just hug each other or invent our own handshake. Because you actually can notice when a kid doesn't want to kiss you. Why force him or her to do it? Kids can show their appreciation in another way.

As for Jsn and Claret - you have some points. And there are really different situations. It is diffierent, when you share candies for your birthday or when you give your favorite toy to the first demand on somebody else's mother. We have to balance that

[jns]

Sharing is interesting. As a child, in general, I shared my toys with my older brother, which was fine as he often preferred to read. Sharing treats was something I disliked more. Because of sharing, after my brother got his first bicycle and had it for a few days exclusively, I got to try it. I was able to ride it almost immediately, which upset my brother who was 17 months older, since he could not ride it yet. Things got worse when my birthday came a half a year later and I received a three speed. We both had bikes now and didn't need to share.