[atskitty2]

Well, she's not speaking to me. I don't know whether to attempt to reconcile and THEN relocate it, as you say, or should I just leave it alone. I don't think I can be at peace with myself if I don't make an effort to make this right. Then, I also know, there's no making things right with her. There's never been any way to talk to her, and now, I suspect it will be worse, as she has diminished mental function, some dementia at play or something.

I just don't know if I can go forward, and she'll eventually pass away, and I've left this chasm between us, unbridged. She's 80. I feel like I need to try, yet I know, it won't work. She thinks what she thinks, there's no reasoning with her. There's no discussion, or effort on her part. She's the victim. Now I'm the bad guy too. In her mind, I've chosen Dad over her and that's what she thinks, so I'm to be forgotten. There really can be no in between with her.

I'd hoped that this would just blow over, but it came to a point where I had to speak my mind, and I did, in not such a gentle manner. My SIL said, it had to come out-all of you need to get it out.
I think there's a good book on toxic parenting, I may swing by the library today and pick it up.

[amy40]

Well, she's not speaking to me. I don't know whether to attempt to reconcile and THEN relocate it, as you say, or should I just leave it alone. I don't think I can be at peace with myself if I don't make an effort to make this right. Then, I also know, there's no making things right with her.

you could apologize to her in person even though knowing you will not get anything back from her, so you at least can be at peace

also, forgive yourself but also forgive her
do what you need to do to be at peace with yourself before she's no longer here

[Ashlee T.]

I like the idea of apologizing.

Not necessarily because you've done anything wrong, but a perceived wrong is just as bad isn't it? Have you ever tried saying, "Mom, I love you and I am truly sorry for anything I have ever done to cause you even an ounce of hurt."

[atskitty2]

My plan is to apologise for the way I spoke to her, not for what I said.

I don't think that will be acceptable to her, so I am trying to decide what to say when it descends into the heap of poo that these discussions always do with her. I'm waiting until I'm calm and over the strong feelings I have, so I don't have another outburst.

I guess, really, what is happening here is that I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that I have probably lost my relationship with my mom.
She just is not a forgiving person and she is mean and heartless enough to leave it this way.

I think I am having trouble accepting that this is actually my mom. She could actually turn her back on me this way. It's really hard and right now I think I just need more time. If I saw her today or called her and she started up, I don't think I am strong enough to maintain my tongue.
I've tried to believe it's the dementia, but, this isn't new behavior for her.

I plan to ask my brother and sister-in-law for their thoughts. My SIL saw the interaction between mom and me that day, and maybe she will have some insight.