Should I Move On?

[sdb0714]

My fiance and I have been together about 8 years now, engaged for about 3 years. A lot has happened during that time, lots of ups and downs, most I just chalked up to experience. More recently though I have been questioning our relationship.

We've gone through cheating from both sides which I do feel horrible about and openly admitted to afterwards. Since we've been together though it's been a problem for him. I'll find random pictures of girls in his phone, texts, messages on Facebook and Tango and a ton of other apps. He will lock his phone and claim he doesn't want me screwing up his settings or things like that. Anyway we've talked many times about it, or I've at least tried to. It seems every time I try to calmly talk about what's bothering me it turns into a big fight and if he's been drinking it gets worse. It has gotten physical, nothing like bruises left on me but he has pushed me, choked me slightly, and hit me in the face every time he was drunk and says he doesn't remember then later admits and apologizes. When we do argue he always flips it around making it seem like I'm overthinking things. All that ends up happening is I start crying because I'm frustrated and at this point he just ignores me when I cry or mocks me with a "wah" sound. I admit I am an emotional person but I've been trying to control it more with him. I just feel like I'm going crazy because I can't tell what the truth is.

I've been going crazy because I have no one to talk to about this. There will be moments where I'm sure it will work out but then he raises red flags somehow and I'm back to questioning if he's really serious about us.

Please any advice would be a great help.

[atskitty2]

He's abusive. This is an unhealthy relationship. What is it that keeps you with this man?
How recently have you found evidence that he's cheating, or having inappropriate relationships with others?

You would be wise to leave.

[sdb0714]

I think it's the hope that maybe this time he will really stop lying. One night when we got into a big argument he expressed how much he loves me. And I suppose it's those little moments where things seem to be ok that keeps me going. But then I'm not sure if it is also the guilt trip he can put me on. Like I said previously I also cheated on him, once and openly admitted it. So it feels like how can I judge him for what he's doing if I messed up too.

he's moved to an entirely different state to be with me and a part of me is scared. What if I am wrong? What if I am overreacting?

[sdb0714]

And end of December I found out he had been contacting or speaking with other women on an app. One woman he had been talking to on and off for about 2 years. He tells me it's old and it doesn't mean anything. That it boosts his ego and makes him feel good that they will do anything he says without having met him. But with me he expressed all his insecurities.

But sometimes I don't find messages. I also found just naked pictures of girls. Often he says that he downloads a lot of porn and doesn't want me to see it so he locks his phone. But I notice on Instagram he follows a lot of naked girls, girls that post half naked or naked pictures of themselves. I know he's tried to message a couple of them. Other times he comments on how sexy or beautiful they are.

I admit when we first met our relationship was more of a fwb type but eventually we both decided we wanted more, then we got engaged. But now we are not as physical. I sort of feel turned off by everything. I've tried talking to him about it but he doesn't like to talk. I'm short and a little chubby so it makes me a little insecure seeing all the girls he follows. I understand he watches porn, not a big deal to me but keeping random girls pictures.. It makes me uncomfortable.

[atskitty2]

Are you continuing to cheat, as he continues to have inappropriate relationships?

[sdb0714]

After the first time I physically cheated I continued talking to the same guy for a few months. He would listen to me and began telling me that I should break up with my fiance. We have talked on and off mainly he asks how I've been doing and if things are working out between us. Then we just talk about how things are going for each other. I admit talking to him is nice because he actually listens. He doesn't cut me off when I'm trying to explain how I feel.

because I physically cheated, my fiance says that I'm the worst. He claims that I actually cheated on him. He says that talking to those girls is not even close to what I've done. I know it's bad but what he has done feels just as bad. And to be honest in the messages those girls sent him they talk about meeting again. Once I found a video he recorded of him making out with another woman on his lunch break. But other conversations I read suggest they've had sex. He denies it completely. But I have seen him lie to others and deny, deny, deny. He s good at it.

[sdb0714]

After the first time I physically cheated I continued talking to the same guy for a few months. He would listen to me and began telling me that I should break up with my fiance. We have talked on and off mainly he asks how I've been doing and if things are working out between us. Then we just talk about how things are going for each other. I admit talking to him is nice because he actually listens. He doesn't cut me off when I'm trying to explain how I feel.

because I physically cheated, my fiance says that I'm the worst. He claims that I actually cheated on him. He says that talking to those girls is not even close to what I've done. I know it's bad but what he has done feels just as bad. And to be honest in the messages those girls sent him they talk about meeting again. Once I found a video he recorded of him making out with another woman on his lunch break. But other conversations I read suggest they've had sex. He denies it completely. But I have seen him lie to others and deny, deny, deny. He s good at it.

[atskitty2]

So break up. You're obviously not happy together, and Don't fill the wants and needs for each other, so just stop the endless games and walk away. This all sounds miserable to me. I have no idea why anyone would stay in this sort of arrangement. You're both, at the least, carrying on inappropriate conversations with others. Sounds like he has advanced beyond that too.

If you cheated, and confessed, the proper thing for him to have done, is leave, or forgive and work through it. Instead he's chosen to use it as an excuse for his own cheating. Meanwhile, your guilt believes his reasoning, you buy it and allow him to abuse you, mentally and emotionally. You don't deserve to be cheated on just because you cheated.
I'd have been gone long ago. I think your self esteem has taken a huge hit. You can get out of this mess.

If I were you, I'd get some counseling and be single for awhile, before jumping into another relationship.

[Popcorn&Candy]

That is called domestic violence. He hits you, then apologizes, then goes out drinking and it all starts again. This is NOT love or a healthy relationship. You're living in fear and you're suffering at the hands of this man. You can't change him: sticking around won't change him, putting up with violence won't do your self esteem any good. The man you loved is gone. You'll never get him back. I urge you to contact a domestic violence helpline sooner rather than later: you need help to get out. You are the victim and walking on eggshells won't stop him. Do make that telephone call.