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So many doubts

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  • So many doubts

    I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I really
    need other's perspective .
    I've been with my bf since january. He's 51 I'm 45. He has an 18 year old daughter living at home, who he's very dissapointed in.

    A bit about his background to give a better picture. He grew up in an abusive household. He also grew up in new york , and had to be street smart, was in lots of fights etc. He's a marine. He also managed to get himself educated, had a good career and is now retired. He's been retired since when he got full custody of his daughter when she was 2 and he wanted to take proper care of her.

    Because of his background he tends to judge people's characters intantly , and has little patience with people. Like I said , his daughter is a dissapointment , as she's not doing well in college and he thinks she's too immature.

    I have very little previous relationship experiences , so I don't know whether or not the way he treats me and expects me to behave is normal.

    I understand relationships are about taking the effort to listen to your bf/gf , and communicating properly, but I think he takes these requirements to a whole new level.
    He loves to talk hours on end so that can become tiresome. If he feels I didn't hear him , sometimes he will repeat the sentence very slowly as if talking to a 6 year old. Stupid things also, which to him mean I didn,'t communicate with him properly, like I put a plate (vs a bowl)out on the table for him without asking if he wanted toast or cereal , turns into a lecture about my lack of communicatoon.

    He's also super critical and judgemental about my eating habits. Critices choices such as fruit as it's full of sugar. Complains I drink to much coffee. He's also rather quick to conclude "I must be talking to other dudes". If I"m texting, it must be with some guy.

    As an example yesterday, everything that happened.
    We were having breakfast in a hotel buffet, and were the only ones there. One other guest walks in, happens to be some guy and I must have glanced at him too much , as I was facing the rest of the eating area behind my bf's back . He later in the room complained I was glancing over at this guy (in at least his 60s), at least 10 times.
    Next, stoping at a gas station for coffee, he complained about the size of my coffee (ok the largest). He became impatient when adding sweetner and cream took too long (a minute?), walked to the register, walked over to me again to hurry up. Complained at the register when I just picked up some m&ms (curiously checking new kind), I didn't even buy them, just looked.
    Next, in some event I had to let go of his hand when we walked in front of people taking a nphoto and he walked on ,while I waited for the people to finnish. I lost him in the building's other rooms , found him standing somewhere (less then 2 minutes later), he complained I took some pics on my own and didn't stay with him.
    Next, he expected me to be eager about something (buying snacks), and when I wasn't, because I was the previous day, he became annoyed.

    But these are very few examples, he often lectures me, or turns simple discussions info debates or arguements. He seems very controlling and possesive overall. I just don't know what to do. He's a good guy, breaks his back helping me remodel, which makes it harder.

    Does this seem normal?

  • Normal for a controlling, insecure... need I go on?
    Red flags flying high here Hon.

    It's been just a few months. I would be running away from this man. Imagine how, in the honeymoon phase, most of us put our best foot forward in the relationship, right? Can you see this getting worse? How unhappy you'll be?
    This is an emotionally and mentally unhealthy man, and you're in an unhealthy relationship. I'd get out now.


    • Thanks, I'm planning to break up today as I'm just fed up feeling on edge the whole time and doubting myself. Sad, because I do love him


      • He sounds very set in his ways and controlling. You do not sound like you fit with his way of doing things.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


        • agree with atskitty2, many red flags. My ex started off this way, worked through the how I should wear my hair, the proper way to wear nail polish, how I was to look on his arm (just eye candy) to what I should think about other people, things in the world, and always to back him up. Progressed from there to some very disturbing behaviour towards me and daughter. To this day he'll swear he was right, I was wrong etc. etc.

          My advise? Dump him and quickly. You are not too far in this relationship to get out nicely.
          That which we forget may as well never really happened.


          • You believe that you love him after this short time? What you're experiencing is not love, but something else. This isn't love, Hon. Far from it.


            • Agate, sounds to me like he's confusing you with his daughter - who he probably thinks is still 6 years old! For that matter, there seems a common theme here: he "retired" at age 45? Or he just can't find anybody who wants to work with him? And he has gotten into a lot of fights? Because he doesn't show other men any respect, and they wouldn't take his cr*p.
              OK, you're in lust, and there's a place there that, but why put up with mental and verbal abuse when the lust can be just as great with a fun person, and one who shows you respect.

              You can leave: the person I feel sorry for is his daughter, who is growing up thinking this how men should treat her.


              • I have to agree with atskitty2. He is controlling, insecure, critical, nasty even. I know you love him, but your love can't change him: he will only change if he wants to, which doesn't seem likely. I do worry he'd turn violent. But, obviously, only you know that. He has had a hard life - and I appreciate the struggles he's gone through - but you're being used as an emotional punch bag. You should NEVER carry his burdens. Yes, you're right to respect him for the troubles in his life but you should not take the brunt of it. You deserve respect, too. If he can't be nice and affectionate, what hope is there? Do you really want to spend your life like this? Because if you stay, nothing will change.

                I wish you all the best.


                • Thanks for the replies everyone. Every time I almost break up with him , or he thinks about breaking up with me, we talk and stick it out. Yesterday I was on the phone with him and was looking at my calendar to decide when to meet again. He was upset I had dates planned with my mom, and planned to meet him after those days, which would have been a whole 5 days later. He said he felt hurt I was one with waiting so long to see him again. I just don't know, feel I'm overreacting maybe etc?


                  • Typically how these people work. He gets you to stay, even though nothing changes. He's manipulative.

                    Stick to your guns darlin...


                    • I think that fact you assume you're "overeacting" is exactly how he manipulates you. You're NOT overeacting. It isn't your fault. You ARE NOT to blame. You deserve respect and affection: not being manipulated and lied to. I think you need to realize your value in relationships. It isn't always your fault, you know: no matter what your partner claims. I can't make you see, but you have to see for yourself what he is. Why should you suffer?


                      • Agate, there's a song: "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover." I would go with #1 and soon. Today.


                        • Thanks everyone. He is a good guy with a good heart and he's constantly doing things around my house helping me , and helping my brother fix his car. He just tends to overanalyze and nitpick I feel at things I've said or haven't said . It's very hard to know what to do still because I know he's a good guy , just maybe not a good match. I can always leave, I will never move in with him or such at this point though . The doubt is what's keeping me at this place, the what if's. what if I regret leaving him etc. I do think he's trying to chance and be less critical , I have seen some improvements since we talked some more.


                          • Ok. And if he's such a good guy, but just not a good match for you, is it fair to him to hold him, knowing you have no future with him?

                            And why waste your time if you know he's not a match? Is that fair to either of you?


                            • If you know you're wrong for him, is staying with him fair? Wouldn't it be fairer to him to let him be with someone he doesn't "have" [for lack of a better word] to nitpick? I mean, if you're always wrong and he's always right, wouldn't he be happier with someone who fits him better? You're obviously a caring person and do love him, but if there's no future, why torture him and yourself? Your love won't change the fact you simply don't fit him.



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