[CurlyGirl4023]

Hi everybody,

I just wanted to get somebody’s opinion on something that’s been happening with my boyfriend and I. We’ve been dating for a little over a year now and for the most part I am very happy in my relationship. However, over the past year I have come to learn that he’s insecure and jealous, because of a previous relationship he had where he got cheated on.

About 6 months into our relationship, he started doing this thing where he would jokingly accuse me of cheating on him. I’m an engineer, so my coworkers are mostly men. In my first job, I became friends with 2 male coworkers, let’s call them Zack and Cody. I tell my boyfriend everything, so I would tell him stories about my coworkers, and often, he would start saying stuff like “you keep talking about Zack, you must like him or something” or “I hope you’re not cheating on me with Cody.” He always said these things jokingly, so I always either ignored it or reassured him that I would never do that to him.

One time he was seriously concerned that I was going to cheat on him back in February when I went on a trip for my new job, which turned into an argument.

There came a point where I was fed up and annoyed with all this jealousy crap. I got tired of him “jokingly” accusing me of cheating, having some sly remark to say about me and my relationships with my male coworkers, and sometimes going as far as to imply that I’m a hoe that is obsessed with men! I just want to give some examples of this: one time I was wearing these jeans to work that didn’t fit me anymore, I couldn’t even button them completely. However, I didn’t have any other jeans at the time (I gained weight) and my polo was long enough to cover my unbuttoned jeans, so it was completely unnoticeable. I told my boyfriend about it, and he responded by saying “of course you would have your pants unbuttoned around men.”

When he says stuff like this, it annoys me. I confronted him about this twice, I told him about how I feel when he makes those kinds of remarks. He said he was kidding most of the time, but he also said he would stop if it is bothering me, and he did for a while, but now he’s back at it again.

I need some advice on what to do. I understand that no one is perfect, so I love him despite the flaws he has. But is this jealousy thing a flaw that’s too big to ignore? We love each other very much. Other than the sly remarks and the jealousy, which only happens ocassionally, he treats me like a queen. He’s a great guy. My family (they know about what I’ve been going through with him) absolutely adore my boyfriend. I can honestly say I’m happy in my relationship.

I guess my question is, do you guys think I should end my relationship over this? I’ve already confronted him about this two times. Breaking up with him would suck because I love him and like I said, our relationship is awesome besides that, but at the same time, I know my worth and refuse to tolerate crap from any guy. I just need to know, am I overreacting to the situation? Do you guys think this guy is wrong for me? When do I say enough is enough?

[atskitty2]

I don't think you're overreacting at all. This is an issue he has with trust, as well as insecurity.
Has he spoken with a counselor to work through some of this?

I think this guy is wrong for anybody, quite frankly, in his current state. Is it a deal breaker? For me, it absolutely is.
But, I also think that an opportunity for him to correct this and improve himself (FOR his own good) is not unreasonable. He should do it for himself, not for you. This very likely affects other areas of his life as well. If he doesn't work it out, he will face challenges with it for the rest of his life, and it will continue to damage relationships.

So, leaving isn't wrong, but sticking around to give him time for self improvement is ok too. If it were me, I'd set a time line for myself, and make the conditions very clear to him. He may see it as an ultimatum, and I guess in a sense it is. It's really an opportunity, and a hard push to do better for himself.

[CurlyGirl4023]

atskitty2 Thank you so much for replying so quickly! He has not seen a counselor yet, hopefully through his new job he can afford it. I’m going to talk to him and convince him to get the help he needs.

[Winged_Muse]

I am dealing with this same sort of thing with my Husband and he's done this stuff with me for over the 12 years we've been together. He is also very jealous and insecure so I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm to the point where I am VERY fed up with things and have my own thread dealing with similar stuff as well.

[Popcorn&Candy]

You're right to be in the mindset of refusing to take crap from a boyfriend. I would simply not tolerate it and would end the relationship. I would not stick around: no matter if there were the odd "good days". However, I am not you. He will continue to damage his future relationships with his jealousy. I can understand him being hurt over cheating girlfriends, but that doesn't give him the right to be insecure and controlling of you. There is only so much sympathy you should have. He lashes out needlessly. I don't see a happy future in the relationship. He is obviously deeply insecure, but - again - this does not give him the right to use you as an emotional punchbag. I really would advise you tell him it is not on anymore.

[atskitty2]

CurlyGirl, I'd be really careful just how hard I tried to "convince" him, as you say, to go to counseling. This needs to be his choice, or it's not going to mean much. You can suggest, and urge/encourage, but allow him to make his choice. This needs to be about HIM improving himself. If he doesn't want to go, and work on it, then let that be his choice.
If he isn't willing or ready to make those changes for himself, I would leave. I know that isn't easy, or what you want to have happen, but it really is the only option if you want to have any peace or happiness eventually.

I believe this behavior of his will only worsen over time. It will get much worse. You're still in the early stages, the sweet spot, in relationship time.

[CurlyGirl4023]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support! I’m glad I came on here and posted this question now I know exactly how to handle this situation. Thanks

[atskitty2]

Great! What have you decided to do?

[Texasred]

I disagree with Amy; if it wasn't talk of her coworkers, something else would likely set this guy off: he has a serious problem, and his passive-aggressive approach to her is unacceptable.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I think you're right, Texasred: if it wasn't her co workers, it'd be someone else triggering him off. From what I can gather, he is passive aggressive and has a serious problem. It is definitely not acceptable in a relationship. I don't think counselling will change him: he has to want to change. I fear a shock to the system would be the only way to make him realize the error of his ways. She needs to put her foot down: and put her foot down now. Otherwise the relationship will deteriorate even more.