[Raina]

A while back me and Bear got into over a girl that we'll name Iris.

Iris and Bear had a little webcam "I'l show you mine if you show me yours" not long after me and Bear hooked up. This was after I accepted being in a relationship with him but before we met in person. I expressed to him I did NOT want him in contact with this woman. Why? Because she was the one that egged it on for the two of them to play dirty on the webcam. She knew he was in a relationship and yet she continued anyway. He said that was fine, he removed her from Facebook and said he removed her from his phone.

WELL, his phone announces who messages him, IE: Message from Office! or Message from Dad! So we know who is messaging before you have to check it. This morning I heard it go off while we were sleeping "Message from Iris". He didn't check it, probably because he slept right through it, but if he had removed her from his contacts of his phone then it would've just announced her number. I have expressed myself in the past TWICE how I don't want him in any kind of contact with this woman but I don't feel like its getting through to him. This happened last week and I didn't bother with it, he didn't respond or anything.

She sent him another message last night and everything blew up really badly. I could'nt hide that I was upset that he still had her saved in his phone after he told me twice he had removed her, he claims he never said that. Anyway, all I asked of him was to just delete her number. He tells me that he cant do that because then if she messages him again and he doesn't have her saved he'll get suckered into talking to her AND give her a reason to think of him as ignorant. I don't understand why her opinion of him really matters regardless of how long they have been friends (he told me since 8 or 9 years old)This woman decided, knowing full well that he was in a relationship with someone, to lure him into a show. I don't put all the blame on her, I blame them both in the end. Last night I somehow ended up feeling like the bad guy because I told him to give me the phone and I would tell her not to contact him again. She ended up saying at the end of the conversation (she thought it was Cody apparently, I can figure that consideirng it was his phone) that none of that ever would've happened if she didn't think he cared for her and that she didn't care for him. She supposed it was all a lie. This woman, he has told me himself, has 8/10 times contacted him ONLY when shes wanted to 'play' around. No friendly conversations, just sexual ones.

He also tells me I blew it out of proportion. This is what I have to think about that, "I'm sorry, it was blown out of proportion the night she flashed you her ta-tas and you decided to show her your dancing pole in return THIS being after I told you I love you."

I want love.

[Hopeless Dork]

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I have to say... not only should you not put ALL of the blame on her... you kinda shouldn't be putting any. Its not her job to uphold his integrity -- thats HIS job. If he is not strong enough to resist her.. or any other woman for that matter... deleting her number, telling her to back off ... etc.. it aint gonna help much in the end. Thats sort of like yelling at a bag of cheetoes because you ate them all. Danged cheetoes! How dare you tempt me, how dare you even exist in the stores to tempt me... I will only shop in stores that don't sell cheetoes from now on. Well guess what... I'm gonna run into cheetoes at the gas station, I'm going to be faced with other ppl eating them in front of me-- I'm going to have to eventually take responsibility for what I put in my mouth. Know what I mean?

I don't think you are wrong for wanting him to stop with contact of her.. you are right in that desire. But this is going to fall on him and your trust of him. You can't beat the women off with a stick, he's got to learn that if he wants and appreciates what he has with you -- he will need to learn how to handle himself in situations where women are making it easy to cheat.. because those situations can pop out of nowhere -- HE'S the one thats got to fix the behavior -- not you, and even though she's douchey for hitting on a man in a relationship .. theres a lot of douchey ppl out there and you can't convince them all to act right.. sometimes we have to leave that to the ones we love, and if they love us, it shouldnt be that hard to do. Especially once you have expressed your bounderies, what hurts you etc.

[Raina]

I also found it strange that during the texting I was doing (as him) she said that Raina had every right to be mad about it all but at the end when she was told what was going to happen (deleting numbers and such) she says "before I delete this # Im just gonna let you know that it never wouldve happened if I didnt think you cared for me and I cared for you." I cant wrap my mind around how big of a U-turn that looks to me.

[Raina]

I don't enjoy being lied to, whether its big or small. I did not just imagine that I heard him tell me he removed her from his phone, especially twice.

I also know I shouldn't blame her, but I can't bring myself to like her. All I feel for this girl is hate and my guess is because of how much drama its caused because of their decision to play "LOOK WHAT I GOT" together on the camera without the slightest respect for the relationship me and Bear are in.

I also don't like him telling his lady friends "I love you" before he gets off of the phone with them... no matter how close they've been in the past or for how long. Am I wrong in this feeling too?

[Hopeless Dork]

Oh I don't think you need to like her... she sounds like a complete jerk if she knew he had someone and tried enticing him. But what I mean is, and I'm guilty of it too... we tend to focus the blame where it hurts less and thus, don't address the real issues and bigger picture. We look at the man we love and dont really want to be mad at him, so all to often we will blame the other woman. While she is not right... she is not the problem. I just think when we do things like deleting her number telling her to go it gives the boyfriend a pass, a copout, it lets them off the hook it passes the buck.

There will always be women that will do whatever it takes to get attention, an ego boost, whatever it is. And there will always be men that will fall for it. Hes got to be able to to respect your feelings first and foremost and he will if he wants to keep you.

Some men are more needy of close female friends than others, some women are more okay with it than others. If you are the type that is sensitive and needing reassurance and he's the overly 'social' type... you guys will need to learn to compromise so that he doesn't feel cut off from society and you don't feel slighted.

[Raina]

His free pass wasn't exactly free. This was the 3rd time we had gotten into it over this woman and to be honest, to be COMNPLETELY honest, with as hurt as I was/am with the whole event I am happy they feel bad about what happened. If they both had enough respect for the relationship, NONE of this would've happened; I wouldnt have been told nothing happened between the two of them; I wouldnt have not believed him and looked for mywself and found out he lied about that; I wouldnt have demanded him end all contact with her whether it be by his hands or (with permission) by mine. (This also never would've happened if I had believed him, but where would I be know? Unknowingly smiling that a good female friend contacted him all the while he knows the real truth about the 'event'.

I don't mind female friends, I am uncomfortable with them until I get to know them though. I do mind female friends who'm he says "I love you" too before he gets off of the phone with them for vice versa. That does not seem right to me at all. You don't see me telling all of my good male friends "I love you" when I'm done chatting with them. Female friends are fine, but I have to get to know them or else I will never get comfortable with it. I LOVE this man to the ends of the earth, but WOW is it hard to get him to understand how a womans can work in cases like this.

I'd like to know....by being upset and, more or less, demanding for a 3rd time he drop contact with her....am I over-reacting or am I feeling the way a normal human being should feel about this?

[Hopeless Dork]

I think your reaction is normal. He webcammed her sexually when you guys were already a couple, he's hurt your feelings over this woman once and his continued contact with her is insult to injury. HOWEVER, there is one thing raina... that once you take comfort in and figure out , you will be at a lot more peace over these types of situations. You have no control over what he does. None. You can cry, you can delete numbers, you can yell at the other women, you can beg him to stop... you can check up on him constantly... but at the end of the day he is his own person and will do exactly what he wills.

Instead of trying to control and monitor, decide for YOURSELF - what is or isn't acceptable to you in this relationship, make him aware of how you feel... talk, find out how he feels and what he finds acceptable from you and himself. Once you guys are clear on that -- if he STILL chooses to carry on with her... it will be evident that he has no intentions to stop doing things that hurt you. And then you will have to ask yourself if, no matter how much you love this man, whether or not he is worthy of those feelings from you.

Some people throw around the word love very lightly. "I love you" being more of a passing expression than anything that packs a real punch. Talk to him about how it feels when he tells other women, non-related to him... that he 'loves them' and ask him if that love is different than the love he feels when he says he loves YOU. Explain to him how it hurts that he can so easily throw that word around to women friends. That you want to feel special, and being the only woman he says that to would make you feel that way. Or however else you truly feel about it, tell him and listen... to what he has to say about it too.. what it means to him, etc and see if the two of you can reach an understanding of each other.

[BabyGirl]

I agree with BD, on the words I Love you, that is said to another Woman , that is Not Related, Mom, Daughter, Sister , Aunty, Grandmother, Cousin, Child.

And Years ago, that is why our Family ( me Starting it ) always tell people, Friends, Distant Family, Male & Female alike ( if close ).

We just say " Love You Later ". To Us , that means we Love them, Care about them, That they are Special to us.

But we save the actual " I LOVE YOU" for Immediate Family and or Children, Parents or S/O. The I LOVE YOU, is rarely said, (I'm Not Married or Dating) So when and If I say it, it will be Heartfelt and Very Special.

Even my Adult Kids, will say " Love You Mama ", Not I Love You .. but that's ok.. Well except on like Mothers day ..or My Birthday .. lol.. Then I best get the " I " put in there , as I do with them ..