[Ashlee T.]

To give a bit of background: Before my dad died, and even several years after my family had the 4th of July party at our home. We worked our butts off and invited LOTS of people both family and friends. We made sure to never leave anyone off the invitation list.

For the past few years, my mom has been unable to get her pool up and running so the 4th of July parties have been held elsewhere by other close family members.

This year, my cousin who lives two hours away from us all planned to host the 4th of July party. The big kicker is, I was invited, nor was my mom or brother. We are all on Facebook (except my mom) and apparently an event was created for the party, but I was "inadvertently" left off the invite so I knew absolutely nothing about it. A week or so before the party (which was Saturday), my grandma mentioned it to my mom after my mom asked if anyone was having anything. She acted as if mom should've already known about it because it has been on Facebook for apparently months. This in itself is odd considering as many times as mom talks with her sisters and mother, no one has mentioned the party. Equally as strange, no one mentioned it to me, despite the fact that I've been in communication with the cousin who hosted the party and with my grandma. When they were all out to eat one evening this past week it came up, and my cousin acknowledged that she had accidentally left me off the invite. So you'd think she would've gone home and corrected this. But no. The day before the party, I emailed her over something else and when she responded she said "Sorry I forgot to send you an invitation. You are still welcome to come. I can give you directions if you want..." Of course at that point, I politely declined.

After the party on Saturday, my cousin commented on FB about what a great time they had. My grandma commented on it "So glad I could come. Had a great time." and then my other cousin posted her status talking about what a great time she had, and my grandma commented on that too. Then, my grandma posted her status as what a wonderful time they had. No big deal right? ..............

My other cousin (the sister of the one who hosted the family party) and her husband had a party last night for their friends. I was invited, went, had a great time. Then posted this morning, tagging the two of them, thanking them for the invite and talking about what a great party they had. She responded saying she was so glad I was there etc. Here's the kicker, my grandma then commented on MY status saying "Truly enjoyed seeing you all on Saturday. So glad you were there.". !?!?!

To me it's gotten a bit blatant. My grandma knew I wasn't there, she knew I hadn't been invited, yet she felt the need to comment on my status directed to my cousin talking about how great it was to see them. I'm sitting here like "Geez...what am I? Chopped liver?!". I responded "I wasn't there. But I'm sure I would've enjoyed it.".

I'm baffled by this. I have had ZERO confrontations with any of them. I've never been anything but supportive of my family, even at times I didn't agree with them. I'm the grandkid that calls my grandma regularly to chat, the one that pays her back monthly for money I borrowed (none of the other grandkids have paid her back). I'm the grandkid that has raised almost 900 for a walk in honor of my grandpa. But after this, not ONE comment of "Wish you and your mom and brother could've been there", "We missed you at the party", "How come you didn't go?", not ONE comment from ANY of my family.

I don't want to take this personally. For a week now I have tried not to and have made 100 excuses as to why this happened. But as things continue to develop, I'm having a very hard time not feeling like this was purposeful.

What would you think?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

IDK is this Cousin part of the "friends" side of the Aunty regarding your Grandfather?

And, your Grandma, isn't she taking directions so to speak from this Aunty? Consequently, as you are at war over that, could that be the reason?

[Ashlee T.]

Pffft (in honor of you) you took off the part about me giving you a headache...meanie. Lol!

Well, this is all the same family I discussed in that regard previously. Except the party host was not the daughter of the aunt who caused all the stir with my grandma.

If this had happened a few months ago I'd say maybe. But my grandpa is doing great.....he walks on his own, is up and moving about all the time, the people at the facility love him and honestly, he could TOTALLY be at home. But my mom and I don't say anything. There is some tension between my mom and her sisters and mother but it's because my mom speaks up for what she believes in. She's never been part of their crowd. But we've never just NOT been included before. It was as if my grandma was mad at my mom and I for not coming to the party (she refused to believe we weren't invited, even though my cousin admitted it in front of her), so she just wanted to rub it in my face. The others posting their statuses about it I didn't really think much of, that's pretty common for anyone to do. But my grandma commenting on all their statuses about what a great time they had, then hijacking my status to talk about it AGAIN, was just hurtful. It would've been nice to have heard a "We really missed you at the party, wish you could've been there!". But not from a soul.... so it makes it feel purposeful.

[pretzel]

Yeah, they can say all they want it was an oversight, but I'm not buying. I wish I could, but........

I'm sorry.

[Ashlee T.]

I'm not buying it either, that's why it's so hurtful. If I thought it was truly an oversight (which I did at first) I'd be more than glad to let it just slip by.

Part of me thinks they just didn't want my mom there. Which if that is the case, it's incredibly sad. She's the most giving, considerate, funny person I know. And she has done NOTHING to them. She just doesn't "fit in". I've had no issues with any of them ever, so it's hard for me to imagine them just deciding not to invite me. My brother is also on facebook, he wasn't sent the invite either.

Whatever their reason, it sure was ugly. In addition to that, that's the 3rd time in a year my grandma has been to my cousins house which is a total of a 4 hour drive both ways. I live 1 hour away from my grandma, so a 2 hour round trip, and have lived in my house since the end of 2009, and she hasn't been over once.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt me badly.... I think it would almost anyone in this situation. But in the end......people are just people whether they are your family or not. And sometimes, people can just be rotten I suppose. :\

[pretzel]

I suppose I definately agree with you.

You know the saying, "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family". But you also know that families choose also.

You can beat yourself up over why they made this choice or choose not to let them get the better of you. You have your mom and your grandpa. Sometimes, that's all you need.

[WildChild]

Sometimes family can be remarkably short sighted. The question is do you let this slide or do you say something? You do not want to cause a bigger rift but nothing will change if you remain silent. You do not want to let this fester until it becomes a big blow up either.

Can you find a way to talk with your grandmother?
You could make a response on FB saying, that it sounds like it was great party, glad to hear you all had a great time, we would love to be invited next time?
It might be seen as catty but I bet there is family who thinks you were invited, that would at least give them a clue that something is up.
Is there anyone in the family you could talk to whose insight you value? Perhaps they could offer some ideas?

[KMonte85]

I think there is a chance it was purposeful, but I also think there is chance that your cousin really was just too overwhelmed with a huge holiday party, that casual (ugh facebook) invites were forgotten.

Hurtful I'm sure, but now the power now lies with you... Do you keep the bad taste in your mouth? Do you speak up? Or do you forgive and forget?

From your writing, it seems you're MORE hurt by your grandmother's behavior towards you (both related to the party, and for other reasons) than you are about not being invited to your cousin's 4th of July festivities. If you are so close to her, and speak with her regularly as you've mentioned, it may be worth stopping by her home one day for a visit, and letting her know how you feel.

[Ashlee T.]

You could make a response on FB saying, that it sounds like it was great party, glad to hear you all had a great time, we would love to be invited next time?

I responded ... "Well, I wasn't there....but I'm sure I would've really enjoyed it." My cousin went around what I wrote and responded to my grandmother as if I hadn't posted it....even though it's on MY status. Lol. Check it out, you'll see.

Is there anyone in the family you could talk to whose insight you value? Perhaps they could offer some ideas?

I'm close with the hostess's sister. But, she's very defensive when it comes to family stuff. She has a very cold way of totally shutting you down when you bring up something she doesn't want to discuss. I have learned that when it comes to issues she has any involvement in, I'm best not to discuss with her.

The question is do you let this slide or do you say something?

I've been thinking about it, next time I talk to my grandma I may bring up the cookout...comment on how I'm glad they had such a good time, then base my reaction on how she responds. I just want to make sure she knows that WE were NOT invited, we didn't just choose not to be a part of it.

I also think there is chance that your cousin really was just too overwhelmed with a huge holiday party, that casual (ugh facebook) invites were forgotten.

She created a facebook event. It was a closed event, and I wasn't on the invite list, therefore I never saw any mention of it. She invited 17 people. Other than her sister, I am the ONLY other young female in the family she corresponds with in any way. She posts on my fb statuses and such regularly. It's hard to imagine she just forgot...... but who knows.

Hurtful I'm sure, but now the power now lies with you... Do you keep the bad taste in your mouth? Do you speak up? Or do you forgive and forget?

The bad part is that I don't feel theres much I can do about it. Is the bad taste in my mouth going to just go away? No probably not. But I won't sit and let it eat me up inside for too long. Only for a little while. haha. It's just amazing to me how people can be so inconsiderate and thoughtless. It's not how I am...and it's not how my mom is... but it's so clear that we're in the minority.

Then you know how it is, when you get upset about something you start thinking of all the other things that upset you that you would never let yourself admit. Like the fundraising thing for alzheimers. I'm doing that for my grandpa...in honor of him. I get no reward from this (other than just the personal satisfaction of doing something good). Of all times for that to be important, it means more now than ever. My grandma and my aunt are the only ones from my family that have donated a penny. The rest of the $900 has come from coworkers, online friends, and even strangers. And then the idea that since 2009 my grandma hasn't even SEEN my house, yet she's been to my cousins 2-2.5 hrs away 3 times in a year. Gahhhh. I must rid of the negativity flooding my brain.

[KMonte85]

Gahhhh. I must rid of the negativity flooding my brain.

It IS hurtful, and I can't blame you for having more negative thoughts flood your mind when your cousin didn't invite you on facebook to the party.

The party is over. You were slighted either on purpose or as an afterthought - either way, not cool. But not much you can do at this point, and if bringing it up won't help any, there's not much to be done.

But in addition to this, your grandmother has been less than attentive, given all that you have contributed to your relationship with her. This is still ongoing. This is where your focus is now shifting... Grandma's not shown much appreciation for you, for your time with her, for your fundraising... it starts to snowball...

One slight soon opens the floodgates to all the other things that have been going on that make you feel this way. And now it's got your focus. Negativity begets more of the same.

I'm not saying "get over it" flippantly, but recognize that this hurtful non-invite can not be rectified any longer... but the relationship and communication you have with the grandmother you love so much can be made into a positive, if you take the time to let her know (gently, of course) how you've been feeling.

Then from the ashes of something so unconsiderate, can rise a new positive feeling - a feeling of being open and honest with your grandma, of having an even closer connection with her. If she's a great woman as you've described her, she won't cast your feelings aside...