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  • No sexual desire, crucial for relationship?

    Hello,

    In the need for advice regarding my current relationship with my partner..

    we have been together now for 2 years, where we had a really active sexlife in the beginning, and like a lot of couples that went a bit down in the last few months (after 1,5 year). Personally my mood is really low with my partner, where the excitement is gone. This resulted in a flirt with someone else (digital), since the sexual spark is missing.

    we evaluated our relationship and I would say that we have a good, healthy relationship, but with the lack of sexual desire missing as a problem. I don’t think that I want to end a good relationship for only one specific reason, but it does bother me a lot and I don’t want to fall in the same trap again where I try to get the sexual spark somewhere else.

    I did my research on how to spice up your sex life to revive the spark, but most of the ideas that I came across were not really something for us (roleplay, odd places etc).

    what should I do with my problem and/or relationship?

  • What attracted you to each other in the first place? Reboot back to that spot and see if you can recreate it. Do you talk about what each other wants sexually? If you are not even talking, then it is a lose-lose for both of you.

    Comment


    • I second what EmptyNester said — you need to talk about it together as a couple.

      It's pretty common, however, for the "spark" to fade somewhat after the "honeymoon period" ends — that section of time at the beginning of a relationship where everything is exciting and new.

      It doesn't mean you need to seek out novel ways to bring the spark back (like roleplay, public sex, or whatever else), but the first step should involve communication with your current partner.

      Has this happened to you in past relationships? Meaning — do you notice a repeated loss of sexual desire or spark in relationships, which tempt you to seek out that same "new" excitement with someone else? I only ask because you mention not wanting to "fall into the same trap again" with trying to get the sexual spark somewhere else.

      There are simple ways to revive that passion, though — and it might be as simple as shaking things up a little bit. A lot of times, we get settled into daily life routines, so much so that the spark you experienced while dating or when the relationship was new sort of fades into the distance.

      Do you guys still go on dates? Explore fun things together (whether leisure activities, travel, etc)? I don't know if you live with one another, or what your situation is, but if you're settled into a rut where you're not really doing much together as couple (aside from hanging at home, day after day), that can have an effect on things, as well. You don't need to do wild and crazy things — my point is being together in places that aren't the same day in and day out.

      (Again, might not be as big of an issue if you're not living together, but speaking as someone who's been married for almost 22 years, even a simple night on the town together can do a LOT for reviving that early-relationship spark because it's removing you from the "norm" of everyday life.)

      Comment


      • Low sexual desire can happen for a LOT of reasons.

        Are there new stressors in your life -- work, finances, health, etc? Those could contribute. And if you suspect something is up with your health or if your health has changed, it's worth talking to your doctor about.

        Are you taking any new medications? Some have the side effect of screwing up your libido.

        Are other needs in your relationship not being fulfilled? Examples: do you feel like your partner listens to you, is an active participant in other parts of the relationship, do they pay attention to you outside of sex?

        If it's none of these things, are there fantasies or sexual experiences you want to have but haven't shared with your partner?

        Regardless of whether there's an outside reason or not, it's worth talking to your partner. They might be feeling the same thing, and maybe you can find new and creative ways to get the spark back together.

        Comment

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