[elsa_niloo]

if you wanna know why i think i am a coward, here is a long list my friends

I am a coward because my husband is a sweet loving man but not interested in sex and even though i am suffering with pain of not being satisfied and ignored when i try to spice it up, I love him too much to leave him.

I am a chicken and every time i leave him, i feel bad and miss him and then come back. I dont like going to my family's and do not have the resources to get my own place right now.
worst of all, I really love my husband and have taught myself to chose loving him over having sex with him.

about every 1-2 weeks i start talking to him, he gets mad is sexually sufficient for a week and then just goes back to where we started from.
last night he read on one of my forums about how i have never had an orgasm with him and how he does not satisfy me and he got pretty upset.

in conclusion i am low, stupid and a coward for not leaving and finding whats out there. I keep convincing myself that i am being ungreatful and I have the perfect relationship. My husband may have had some problems before but he is now an amazing man that i love and sex seems to be the only problem in our marriage.

I have never had sex with anyone else and have made myself that if i cant experience orgasm of any kind after 1.5 years of being with him, i may never do.

I am depressed, crying all the time and really really hate myself. I wish there was some way i could get out of this and go back to 1.5 year ago when i had just met him.
When he came home for lunch he had bought me flowers and somehow i know he'll come home tonight and try to mend this, have some decent sex with me and then again in 1-2 weeks everything will start again.
Him not paying attention to my dancing naked, lingerie and attention to him. not wanting to have sex with me and etc...
sorry about the rant i just needed to share how stupid and cowardly i feel.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I want to smack you but your too far away.

You are NOT stupid.

You are NOT a coward.

Why would you think that? Because you have been expressing your feelings and feeling better about venting and then he read it and now you feel bad.

Why did he read it? Did you show him? Or did he snoop? Why did he snoop? If that be the case?

Honey, you know if there is a problem, any problem within a relationship you are meant to communicate and you are meant to make an "effort" to change those things that aren't working. You are NOT meant to "satisfy" the problem ONCE short term and then put the person through the same thing over and over again.

But!!! He may be frustrated that you are after sex, nothing more.. You have a hidden agenda? You want to experience an Orgasm yes? And as such, you want sex, sex, sex. It doesn't work that way.

You can't make all the demands, you can't ask for it all your way, but you both need to compromise and he needs to realise that it CAN NOT be a quick fix.. But, you can not expect him to "give it to you" the orgasm, you have to find you.

A proper relationship needs "soooo much work".. You love him more than sex? It is not the be all and end all sweet... But you can change this if you think outside the square, if you realise that everything in life is a two way street.

This is why I don't want you to think that you are stupid or a coward.

Now the coward bit?

Your contradicting yourself because you are basically saying your a coward for not leaving.

But, you are also saying you never had an orgasm before him but "expect" to have one because your in love? Because your married?

You obviously love sex, but orgasms are based on comfort-ability with yourself first and then your partner second.

I would guess that you haven't even gotten to know your own body yet and therefore, you are "expecting" him to give it to you and therefore, you are wanting sex all the time so you can finally say, I've had one?

See the problem?

It's with yourself sweet. You don't know how to experience this..

So, you need to look at this differently, you don't have to strip and be ignored, or ask for sex daily or want , want from him, he's probably a bit disillusioned himself, you need to find you... And, in doing so, he will see the difference from sex, to intimacy instead of trying so hard and maybe he will like it even more, to experience it.


Start experimenting with yourself and finding your own sexuality with that you will find all sorts of things you are capable of..

Don't expect a man to give it to you... It can happen, they can be exceptional lovers, but you can also be an exception lover from finding you..

And, then you both become one and you both become understanding each other's bodies and therefore, you both know what each other likes, explore.

Start with yourself, find what you like , truly like it's amazing when you do, I can't state that more than I have and I wish sometimes I don't post this stuff, but sometimes, someone says something in non understanding and so i feel that i need to share.

Find you, and then let him find you.

Sex IS Sex.....

CW

[torn2pieces]

DO NOT see it as a coward. The tears and pain are not good to go through, but on the flip side. Loving someone, staying because you love them is not cowardish.

Correct me if I am wrong (anyone), but in a relationship sometimes you have to settle for a behavior, way of being or what not that you DO NOT like. Although sex is a bigger issue than others. I would weigh it out, does he treat you good? Does he love you and show it?

Is toys a option for you? Would he mind?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

torn2pieces
Correct me if I am wrong (anyone), but in a relationship sometimes you have to settle for a behavior, way of being or what not that you DO NOT like.

No one relationship is perfect, in as much as we can not be "idential" in all things, our wants, desires, needs. I don't like the word settle, personally, but you have to "understand" that you can not change a person, and therefore, "accept", not settle, the good and the bad, if you love that person...

UNDERSTANDING
COMMUNICATION

So you are not wrong at all.

CW

[elsa_niloo]

omg thank you for being there for me. I have no one to talk to and i am going crazy. I am awake most of the night, experience aweful anger and aggitations while sleeping next to him so i end up on the couch.

this morning i got aweful nosebleeds and my back is hurting so badly from stress that i can hardly sit up.

In response to your question CW he was not snooping, he just saw my post by accident. turned out i had copied and pasted it and when he pressed paste it came up.
I once confided in my mother over this problem but i got too embaressed and she made the situation is really bad so i pretty much don't say anything to anyone anymore.

If you want to know why I can't experience orgasms, here it is.I am a very sensative and worried person to start with and for a long time he would not last long, refuse to do the position i wanted to do and on top of that he would yell at me if i asked for something and say, "Stop telling me what to do". he will not let me relax during sex and ...

I am afraid of getting a toy because he is always saying women that have toys are excuse me for saying this , "LOSE". His words not mine. He tells me that some women really smell fishy down there so i'm always in the shower washing, trimming, cleaning and etc before sex and can't relax at all.

The problem is that he is too oppinionated about sex and does not let me be myself. I am not allowed to be on top because he is afraid i will break his member. He even refuses random oral sex from me.

You know, i don't know who to blame anymore. i think it's all my fault. i am the same weight i was as when i met him ( even less) but i look in the mirror and i see this fat and hideous animal. I am not exagerating. I'm in the shower everyday shaving my legs as close as possible to a point that they bleed, so i can be soft and desirable for him but oh whats the point?

I love my husband, i really do but lately i just want to be alone by myself. but lately he is wierd, he prefers to sit away from me and surf the net than sit and watch tv with me or surf the net next to me on laptop. and when i complain he says, you think i should spend all my time with you? and that is 4 hours after coming home, doing his thing and not talking to me at all.

you know, i dont know anymore. I am tired of ranting and in at myself. It's my fault for saving my virginity for love and this is how it blew in my face. If i was a good wife, my husband would be more interested in me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

turned out i had copied and pasted it and when he pressed paste it came up.

PFTT.... why would anyone press paste, unless they pressed copy first? (fishing?)

refuse to do the position i wanted to do and on top of that he would yell at me if i asked for something and say, "Stop telling me what to do".

Abuse... controlling..... you have a right as a "partner" to "share" and explore your sexuality "together"...

he is always saying women that have toys are excuse me for saying this , "LOSE".

Pftttt......he has issues with women full stop, is this why he married you? Because you are a Virgin? But, apart from that, he's happy to treat you like dirt?

I am not allowed to be on top because he is afraid i will break his member.

haha.. Like to see that happen, where's my boyfriend?

i think it's all my fault.

Do you really? I don't think so, I think he is emotionally abusing you and consequently you are doing exactly what emotionally abused women do, blame themselves, it has to be your fault right?

and when i complain he says, you think i should spend all my time with you?

I beg your pardon? He says what? You enjoy your husband disrespecting you? Abuse.

i was a good wife, my husband would be more interested in me.

If you weren't a Virgin, your husband wouldn't have married you, that's my "opinion".... You offer him sex, dress up, dance, cook, clean, are home each night, and your a bad wife?

in conclusion i am low, stupid and a coward for not leaving and finding whats out there. I keep convincing myself that i am being ungreatful and I have the perfect relationship. My husband may have had some problems before but he is now an amazing man that i love and sex seems to be the only problem in our marriage.

Your contradicting yourself again... He's an amazing, man, I am stupid for not leaving because I am convincing myself I have the perfect relationship.


This is very sad.

You waited until marriage for the knight in shining armour but you got, a man whom is abusive verbally to you, emotionally to you, non-compatible, non-recipicant, doesn't allow you to be you, and so you spend all your time, trying to please him whilst he disrespect you.

RUN....

The man you were looking for is out there, around the corner, waiting for you.

Sorry, I get mad over people treating their other halves like dirt and frankly that is what he is doing.

Take the sex out of it, totally, "you think i should be with you all the time?"... I beg your pardon for the second time.

He is going to take away any self esteme you have left until you don't have any left and consequently, you will stay and remain in this un-loved, un-happy relationship.

He is an amazing man? He doesn't even sit with you and cuddle you and tell you he loves you and talks about your day, laughs with you, playful with you, and trys to please you in bed, what is amazing about that?

CW

[kms]

After reading your first post, I was going to say that this isn't a marriage - it's a friendship. But after reading subsequent posts, I'm not even sure I could call it that, since he doesn't seem very understanding of your feelings, caring toward you, or treats you as someone special and valuable. So I'm not really sure what it is - roommates?

Marriage needs companionship AND sex. If there's no sex - and that is not a mutually agreed upon decision - then you should give him a choice. Fix it our you're out (and it sounds like you've tried). Sex is a basic human NEED that marriage is supposed to fulfill, and if it doesn't, then the marriage is not working. You aren't being selfish or ungrateful for expecting your right. Marriage is a two-way street based on compromise. Sounds like he's calling all the shots. That's not marriage.

[elsa_niloo]

HA HA

tell that to my darn husband. You think he cares?
you know i'm all numb to him now. he does try to get my attention now and appologize but i honestly don't care anymore and am counting the seconds till i can get out of this relationship.
he is not a monster but he is just not my knight in shining armour and i am numb to anything he does. I don't want to be around him, talk to him, eat with him, i dont hate him or am not angry with him but i'm not happy either.

I know i love him and i will probably give in if he comes back and says i'm sorry i'll try harder but oh whats the point, he will still be the same. in 2 weeks again we go straight back to where we started from.
I feel like he is draining me mentally and physically. I have got this stressed backache and nosebleeds from being stressed so much.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Elsa...

If it was just sex, I would honestly be saying, try to communicate, work it through your only young in marriage and you were a Virgin.

I need to say this, because I don't want you to take what I said, and base your decision on that..

They are my opinions..

Only you know the truth, the depth of the despair, the hurt, and the frustration and the in-compatibility outside of sex ok.

But, if a man does destructive things, verbal or physical, he can't cope with being tied down, or it's in his nature.

If a man makes you feel ugly, or dirty, then you quit whilst your ahead.

I can see your angry now and getting strong over this, and can see a bit more than, I love him.

I want to say to you, that you can love someone because "your used to being with them" and so you believe in marriage, and so you work it, and you try and so you believe you love.

In love, total being, hang on to his every word, can't wait to see him ( or speak to him), want to share what's happening in his day, his yours, no matter what it is, good or bad, and each accepting each other for who they are, their little ways, their prides, their personality, whilst also communicating on ever level, understanding each other and being able to say I love you and mean it, and receive it back, that is unity.

Ask your heart if you have the above or can make that happen.

Abuse? It stands to me, to reason that that is what you are receiving and hense why I said walk.

Take care.

CW

[rcoreyus]

Elsa, you are not a coward or weak, quite the opposite. You are trying to be true to your love even though you are unhappy. A coward or weekling would have fled into the first available set of arms - you didn't.

But - I do think you are making a mistake by staying. You are not happy, he probably isn't happy, you aren't right for each other. For both of your sakes you should leave.

You can find someone who loves you as much as you love them. Someone for whom intimacy is an important part of a relationship.

He can find someone like my wife. Someone who wants a practical relationship without sex.

As I write this I'm sitting in a Chalet in Switzerland, sitting in front of a fire watching the snow fall outside. We've spend the last couple of days busy outside seeing the stunning scenery, but now there is too much fog and snow. We've had a fantastic romantic trip (a week in Venice before this) - but now I sit here typing on the computer, and she sits reading. No interest in my suggestion when we came inside that we cuddle together for a while (it was cold outside)., Tonight I'll get a goodnight kiss, but nothing else.

Though I love her, I would not wish this sort of relationship on anyone. Its been almost 25 years now.