[hadakachic]

Hi,
I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 12 years now. When we had been married for 7 years, I found out he had cheated on me with another woman but swears (to this day) up and down they stopped short of having sex. Just met up, kissed and made out but nothing beyond that. Regardless, I was devastated. We have two children.
We've spent the last 4.5 years forgiving and working on our relationship to restore it to a healthy state. However, I am unhappy. Miserable at times because of his insensitivity to me...
Ever since the affair, he only shows me sexual affection. But this is what kills me... even though I have asked him and told him how much I need 'tokens' of his love for me (nothing expensive but just the thought of him thinking about me and planning something - a date or a present), he doesn't do it. For the past 4 years... he has tried a couple of times but only after we've had a huge fight over it.
I have stopped dropping hints before a holiday or birthday or anniversary and just flat out have said, "I would really like to receive some token of your love". Does he do it? Nope and this Valentine's was no exception. He said he made me something at work but forgot it.
I am not perfect but I go out of my way to celebrate him. The more he doesn't do it the less loved I feel and the more anxiety I have with each approaching celebration (because I know I'm going to end up crying privately over the hurt of not having any token of his love for me). He knows how hurt I get over it. I've told him I dont' want expensive things... even a letter.
But I get nothing.
What do I do and what does this mean? When I confront him about what messages this sends me (i.e. he doesn't love me anymore, etc.), he denies it, cleans up his act for a day or two and becomes affectionate beyond the bedroom but then stops.
I'm so tired of it!

[sourpuss]

I've been there a few times myself so I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm sorry, I know how much it hurts to be in a situation like this.

Have you been in couple's counseling? It might be good for him to hear you say what you just wrote to someone else in the room. At the moment (I'm assuming) he only hears it when you're upset and he probably feels attacked.

What I've learned and what I'm currently trying to accept in life and love it that you can't force someone to care about your feelings and you can't tell someone how to make you feel loved. The only thing you can control in this situation is your own emotions. Are you ok with being married to a man whose only affection towards you is centered around sex? Are you willing to accept the fact that you will not be getting 'tokens of his love' on special occasions or any other time? Because you've tried and tried to explain and you've cried and felt bad and he's seen all of this and is unaffected. That should tell you something.

If he only tries when you get mad, to me, that sounds like he's just doing the bare minimum of whatever it is he thinks it will take to get you off his case. You can't force someone to want to do little nice things for you to make you happy. I know that's a hard one to swallow. (still working on that one myself)

The only thing you can do is decide what you can and can't live with and go from there.

[mymirrose]

I am so sorry you are going thru this also. I am in the "decision" phaze right now. I thought it was me, that I was too needy, but then I realized, If I treated someone else like this, would they feel loved and appreciated? No! So I think you need to decide if you can live without the affection & tokens, or if you want to find someone who gives you what you need.
I know this probably doesn't help, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone.

[kms]

Sourpuss makes an excellent point. We can't control others' behavior nor we can force someone to love us or do what we want them to do. We can only control our emotions and actions. It sounds also as though he'll change only to get you to stop bothering him and then goes back to his normal ways because there aren't any long-term consequences to his actions. He's learned that he can get away with doing that because you've allowed it to happen for so long. You've lost your power in the relationship - he seems to have it all.

My 2 cents: if you really care about him and want to make this work, then nagging, being angry or y won't help much. Instead, perhaps when he neglects a special occasion like valentine's day, an anniversary, your birthday - something that is of utmost importance to you - then you respond by not doing or withdrawing something that is equally important to him (such as sex, or oral, etc.). He'll probably protest and won't like it much - and at that point you'll have his attention and you'll have more power in your hands. Again, you don't have to fight or argue or be emotional - just stay calm and relaxed and explain that it's just a fair consequence of his actions.