[imported_kaylar]

The Storm has passed.
He's left the Other Woman, and returned to you.

Standing on the wreckage of your marriage, feeling
a survivor of a devastating hurricane, you begin to
pick up the pieces.

And then, you drop them.

No.
You don't want that kind of marriage again.

During the days/weeks/months of his affair, when
you were alone, you met someone new. Yourself.

You learned what you liked to eat, watch, wear,
think, go, do and be. After all, there wasn't anyone
else.
Just you.

You might have created new protocols, so the kids
didn't ask why Daddy doesn't come home any more.
They were sleeping at friends and family, you were
taking them to all sorts of places, and creating new
rituals.

You might have moved into another room, so when
he dragged in, he didn't wake you. You might have
stopped cooking meals, doing laundry, being there
for him.

That woman forged in the fire of his adultery, is too
valuable to lose.

Suddenly, you realise that for all the years of the
marriage, you were postponed, you came second,
if you came at all.

Pre-Adultery Wifey used to buy the food he liked, cook
the meals he liked, watch the programs he liked, go
where he liked, associate with his people.

Betrayed Wife bought what she wanted to eat, created
the meals she desired, watched what she wanted, went
where she felt she belonged, associated with her friends.

Post-Adultery Wife has no reason whatsoever to return to
the old days of being second. In fact, she has a lot of
reasons why he will never be given the authority to hurt
her again.

The life you lived during the time he was rolling on
soiled sheets will not be discarded just because he
came home.

You realise your faults.
And have corrected them.

Your job is not a 'make-work', it is important and
sustains your sense of self-worth.

During the time he was 'away', you took on more work
to fill empty hours and avoid going to the mausoleum
which used to be the matrimonial home.

You will not stop taking on more work, will not rush
home, leaping out of staff meetings, or tossing a file
in the pending tray because you have to make dinner.

You feel no guilt telling the kids to go to friend's
house after school, you'll bring a pizza, that's how
you got through the days/weeks/months of his adultery.

He can find his own food, or starve.

You has no qualms about talking for hours to your
friends. They were with you when he was not, and
there is no guarantee he is home to stay.

All the little things you put away on marriage, because
he didn't like them, all the activities abandoned because
they took time from the marriage, you grasped as a life
preserver when he was not there.

You got through days because you knew you would see
a best friend, attend a meeting, perform a task, and
little things became important, because the big thing,
your husband, was gone.

All the little things which became important, remain
important.

Just because he's home now can not be used as an excuse
why you let other people down, people who have come to
rely on you, people who make you feel you are worthy to
live.

You looks back on your life; your Pre-Adultery life,
and cringe.

Was I that stupid? Self-sacrificing?

The money you had used to buy him filet mignon is a
a new hair style. The time you used to spend doing
his laundry, you use to write articles for the PTA,
the beer which used to fill the refrigerator for his
friends is no longer there, but there are quite a few
new pieces in your wardrobe.

He can survey what used to be the matrimonial home
and appreciate, he's not needed.

He can watch television all day Sunday, alone, because
his family attends a particular venue. He's not invited,
it's just mothers and kids.

He can learn to like Quiche or figure out how to make
himself a meal from soy grain, yoghurt, salmon and
cheese, because in this house, the diet has changed.

He looks at you, the woman he betrayed;
you looks better today than ever before.

You are confident, you don't need him, and see through
him as if he's glass, unconcerned about his ego.

He strives to regain your interest, maybe getting a few
percentages, but it's pretty clear, that in your pie chart,
he's gone from 90% to 20% and although he might get
another 5%, if he works at it, he will never have the power
to bring your life to a crashing halt.

That he realises this, infuses you with power. And you
reflects on that drudge, that sycophant you used to be,
and realise how liberating adultery can be.

[imported_kaylar]

How Could He Do This To Me?


When a man commits adultery, his wife often feels
that 'her whole world' has ended.

This is because most women commit their whole
world to the marriage.

Women will leave school to support him while he
gains a profession.

Women will work as an unpaid drudge while he
is building his business.

Women 'work' at a marriage.

And when that marriage goes down the toilet
because he rather roll on soiled sheets with
****ina, she learns that the word "Grateful"
is not in the male vocabulary.

No man will stay with a woman because she put
him through school, or made his business a success,
or raised his children, or kept his house spotless, or
stayed up all night doing his reports or business plans.

He 'outgrows' her.
He 'no longer loves' her.
She's 'holding down' his life.

A rule of thumb;

the more you give, the more he'll take
and the more you will lose when he leaves.

NEVER give up ANYTHING for marriage.

Never give up your family, your job, your
friends, your education, anything.

Because you get NOTHING in return.

The more you give, the less you have.

Although it sounds like a contradiction,
the day you marry, begin to build up
adultery insurance.

Adultery Insurance is not limited, but
contains;

bank accounts in your name
a job
friends
interests
family
so that he never holds more than
45% of your 'whole world', because
when he commits adultery, he can't
destroy more than he has.

The women who are devastated by his
adultery are those who gave the most.
They lose the most.

The the forty year old who left school to
support him; who raised his children and
looked after the house, and couldn't take
an outside job because she was so busy
looking after her family.

This is the woman who will be dumped for
the twenty year old party girl who brings
nothing but her greed into his life.

This is the woman whose whole world
is based on being his wife.

[imported_claire q]

its all the things you think but can never put them into words

[imported_kaylar]

So he's back?


Unmarried men can not commit adultery.
Hence, he needs to be married so as to
have someone to betray.

Many incontinent men marry to prevent
them being tricked into marriage by the
girl of the day.

When she gets boring he admits he's
married, and moves to the next, hence
his wife is his bulwark against clingy
party girls who are notches on his belt.

When wifey decides to leave all his energies
are put into keeping her.

He is keeping her not because he realises he
loves her, or is sorry for what he did, he is
keeping her because she protects him from
greedy gals.

He is keeping her because if she leaves he
'loses'.

The point is to keep his wife while having
a girlfriend. This is the 'prize!' this is winning.

Oh James Bond would be proud of how he
moves from his desk, out the side door,
into his car, slamming his gal of the day,
then back in, and arriving home on time!

See!

Look at me!
I'm never late coming home!
I'm so innocent!

While his lunch hour becomes a sex break
and he's beaming from ear to ear...wifey
will never know!

But when wifey knows, and wifey is leaving
then he might actually have to take his
plaything out...
and maybe he doesn't want to be seen with
her in public.

And she will demand he take her out, once
wife is gone, because there is no reason to
hide any more....
oh no!
Not that!

So he must keep wifey!

He'll do what it takes.
Until he's sure.
Wifey is not going to leave him.

And then...
when she least expects it...
there he goes!
Again.

[imported_kaylar]

Respect?


Although there are many cases in which husbands
respect their wives too much to ask them to perform
certain sexual acts...
wives lose respect for the philandering husband.

First of all, there's what the gal looks like/is.

Many men who want to commit adultery take
what's available; this is usually an unattractive
female.

Unless the man is rich and the female is after
the money, don't expect her to look good.

Hence the wife is standing there, "He left
me for that?"

We tend to grade men on the appearance
of their girlfriends; a guy with an unattractive
girl .... something is wrong with him.

Seeing hubby's gal, we may wonder what is
wrong with him...
until we realise he wanted to be unfaithful
and this was what was available.

He wanted to be unfaithful...

it is hard to accept, it belies all our beliefs
of our husband sacrificing his marriage because
he fell in love/lust with gal...

But to truely understand adultery one may
have to walk away from the lust/love paradigmn
and approach another reason, one which might
be more prevalent than we may believe...

Men commit adultery when they feel their
manhood threatened.

The wife who is more important than he is...
brighter or makes more money or who has
no time for him.

The women who doesn't need him.

As counterpoint, there are those who seek
to escape the weak woman; the one who
needs him too much, who makes him feel
responsibility every minute of every day.

Sex is a filip, it is not the reason he is
with gal. He is with gal as a counterpoint
to wife.

In a few cases, the wife can understand
why Hubby has strayed, and reform the
relationship, cutting out the troubling parts.

In most, where the parties have stayed
together, the wife has little or no respect
for the husband, and over time, thinks of
him as a three legged dog.

[imported_patricias213]

i really like those, so true!!

[imported_kaylar]

The Three Legged Dog....


Imagine a watch dog who loses his front leg in an
accident.

Because his family has affection for him, he isn't
put to sleep, but healed.

And there he comes, barking up a storm, on his
three legs.

He's no longer the watch dog, but doesn't know it.
He's a pity pet.

Often one laughs, behind her hand seeing him
race to the door, as if he can 'defend' the house.

So to...
the adulterous husband.

He has lost the respect of his family,
and though he may remain within,
whatever was there before, is gone.

He can never regain the trust or respect of
his wife, and in a way, it is a good thing.
It makes her stronger, boosts her confidence.

No longer need she take his feelings or ideas
into account.

If she choses to accept a promotion, or a
transfer, or paint the livingroom, he has
no opinion she needs to hear.

During the days of his roll on soiled sheets
she has made friends, she has had to face
the world not as wife of this man, but as if
she were a widow.

With his return, why should she give up
her autonomy? How long will he be staying
anyway?

Having survived his adultery she feels she
can survive anything.

And she realises,
she doesn't need him.
And she can't want him,
because he is unreliable.

She's not going through a divorce for the
same reason she didn't put Barker to
sleep.

[imported_kaylar]

Bookmark, and move


Once you've set the new relationship, you move on.

Although you might, on reflection see your life as
B.A. (before Adultery) and A.A (after adultery) in
re the changes; i.e 'I haven't watched that show
since B.A.', or "I have worn my hair this way since..."
you move on.

Don't make that moment in time the centre of your
life. Don't let him become the centre of your life
by reflection.

During Adultery, when you had to fill the cracks
with all sorts of things, job, hobby, friends, club,
etc. never let that 'mortar' chip or be forgotten.

Keep up your calendar; don't drop out of groups
so that you can 'spend more time with...' or remake
your world with him as the axis.

Contrarily, don't appoint yourself his watchman thinking,
'oh, if I give him a chance he'll stray again...' so
reform your life as to spend it walking behind him.

Your mistake, your only mistake, had been to make
him too important in your life, so that when he went
on his spree, your house of cards collapsed.

Had he not been so central, you would have been
hurt, but as hurt as when your best friend tells others
your secrets, or you're not invited to a fancy function
you counted on.

So Your Mistake was your devotion.
Withdraw your devotion...
revert to your position pre the reconstitution
of your relationship...
and do not make his Adultery the
new shrine.

Too many times the betrayed wife, who had
by necessity, had to get over him. Had to
learn how to live without him, will, when he
returns, now make the Adultery the new
"maypole."

Everything she does is done in re the Adultery.

(No, I can't go out of town, he might cheat.)
(I better go to that party with him or else
he will find someone else)
(He's not answering his cell phone, he's probably
with someone else)
(I better go see if I can catch him)

It is absolutely pointless to resume a relationship
if 90% of your energy goes into Adultery Prevention.
It's not worth it.

What Adultery teaches, is that no one is
responsible for your happiness, your balance
your sense of peace. You must control your
environment. You are in charge of your own
happiness, you must strive for balance and
maintain your inner peace.

No man can do that.
No one can do that for you.

You must do it for yourself.

If who you are depends on who you are with
then you are no more than a piece of dust
blown by the wind.

When you survive adultery, you prove that
you are in charge of yourself. You prove you
can make it on your own. You prove that you
are strong, are capable.

Never return to the old days of dependency,
and never mask that dependency with a new
avatar; Adultery.

Just as you got over the need to race out
in the middle of the night to 'catch' him,
just as you became accustomed to being
alone, you must maintain that strength.

Adultery is only liberating once you have
lived past it, and reformed your life to be
more 'I' centered, and depend on nothing
and no one except your self for your sense
of identity.

[imported_kaylar]

Adultery with Clothes On



Curtis was a charming man. He had bedroom eyes,
and a way of speaking, and a woman was sure he
wanted her.

All the moves were there, but when they were alone,
Curtis began wife-bashing.

He could talk for hours, in detail about his wife, all
her faults going back to the day he met her, and
if one had time and patience, his mouth was still
flapping after three hours.

At first one assumed he was 'psyching' himself up
for adultery. Going through all the faults of his
wife to explain why it was 'her fault' he was with
another woman.

After the first marathon bash, the woman would
assume the next tryst would be the physical....
and could decide whether or not she was going
to play the Other Woman.

When the second encountered occurred, it was
a repeat of the first; more wife-bashing.

So what message is he sending?

The medium is the message.

This is an adulterer who doesn't need to drop
his pants. The act of excoriating his wife is
what gets him off.

The woman, who could be virgin, has this
sense of unease, as if she's done something
sordid, yet has never touched this man.

What is going on?

This version of adultery is rather common.
It leaves the Other Woman feeling dirty
for 'no reason', and he gets off on his verbal
vomit.

Men like this engage in cyber sex as well.
Before computers, there were the 'love
letters', because this is an adulterer who
believes that because he has not given
his body to a woman he has been faithful
to his wife.

[imported_kaylar]

Don't be the Other Woman


Even in cases of Verbal Adulterers, you don't
want to be that Other Woman. (You don't
want to be his wife either, but...)

First of all, a man who cheats is a man who
lies, and there aren't 'one off' traits.

Men who are unfaithful are unfaithful to their
wives. Not just to the first one. Hence, if
he leaves his wife for the Other Woman he
will leave her for the Next Other Woman.

There is a difference between a marriage
falling apart and a divorce and then a man
meeting another woman and marrying again
and a man who is married, and is keeping a
mistress, whose wife divorces him, and who
marries that mistress. It is more than likely
he will take another mistress.

Being the Other Woman is always tragic.

There are men who will beat up their mistress
if she dares accost the wife or do anything to
upset his marriage.

Further, there is usually a whole family around
him, which will demand his time and presence at
various occassions.

So, he can't take you to the concert, his brother
is sick, or his child is in a school play, or he promised
his mother...and the Other Woman has no word to
say. Because everyone comes first...she comes
when no one else needs him.

If she's sick, she can't call him to take her to
the doctor. If she needs help, she can't call
him.

I can tell you of a man who took his wife and
children on a cruise, and the Other Woman was
left waiting for him to return.