[annie21113]

My husband and I live apart because of his job. He is in CA, I am in PA. I was planning to move out there during summer. So far, we've lived apart for about 5 months. Things are going about as well as expected.

Here is the problem. I snooped. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I checked his email, and found an email he sent to one of his friends that said: I'm going to Vegas next weekend for a race, wanna come? There is going to be a huge party afterwords with a bunch of badge bunnies!

Here is the problem. He told me he was not going to Vegas. Here is the other problem. Do you know what badge bunnies are? Well, I didn't, so I googled it. Apparently, badge bunnies are women who are obsessed with bedding male cops or male members of law enforcement.

What to do? Should I confront him? I would like opinions on this situation. Do you think this constitutes cheating?

[Iseulda]

If he said to you he's not going and he does in fact go that does not constitute cheating, but it does constitute lying, which isn't good either.

But he hasn't actually gone yet, right? So aside from it looking like he is planning to lie to you he hasn't done anything particularly wrong... yet.

You need to talk to him - and it is best to be honest when you do - it is fairly low to try to catch someone in a lie by being duplicitous yourself. Tell him you logged into his email and you saw the mail and just ask him outright what is going on. If he tries to distract you with being angry about you looking at his email then accept that you did wrong by snooping (as you put it) and that you are sorry, but that it is a separate issue and you need to deal with the issue of the Vegas trip first.

Don't leave this - you'll just end up stewing on it and making things a whole lot worse in your head than possibly they are.

Good luck.

[Iseulda]

Oh - in addendum, 'confront' sound, well, very confrontational - my suggestion would be to not actually accuse him of anything, because, as I said, he hasn't really done anything. He's made one statement of intent to you (I'm not going to Vegas) and a different statement of intent to his friend (I'm going to Vegas) that are contradictory - but nothing has happened yet to make either statement false, or true.

So you are not going to 'confront' him - you are going to ask him about something. Or at least that is my advice.

[WildChild]

Why not ignore that he said he wasn't going, pretend he said he was and tell him excitedly that you can't wait to meet him there? That you want to be his, "badge bunny". Don't answer any questions, let him wonder. Tell all about how glad you will to see him and what you are going to do show him how much you missed him!
What's more interesting? An upset, sccusatory wife? Or his own personal badge bunny?

[elsa_niloo]

I believe that husbands and wives do need some degree of privacy but do not think that emails fall under that category. why should he have to hide messages from his wife.
Honesty is the best policy.
If i were you i would confront him and if he is a rational man he would not yell and take blame. Something i cannot understand is why should a married man party with his friends and hangout with strippers and likes, when he can have his pretty wife to go with him and party and go to strip joints together to spice up their relationships.
when was the last time you went to a strip joint with your girlfriends? probably never right?
why does he need that and he even lies abuot it? if you ask me, he probably does alot more without telling you.
confront him today and try to build a relationship on honesty.
this is my opinnion and may not necessarily work for you though.
good luck

[rcoreyus]

Elsa, generally I agree with you, but this time I need to differ. I think privacy and trust are very important in a relationship. If you trust your spouse, there is no need to snoop. If you don't trust your spouse you shouldn't be in the relationship. If you start looking for something you will eventually find it, even if nothing is really going on.

[elsa_niloo]

I think you are right about trust and privacy. But if nothing is wrong and you have trust in a relationship why can't he just tell his wife i'm going to vegas, meet me there in a few days and have fun with her also?

they live apart so he should jump on every opportunity to want to see her and do fun things with her.
on the other hand he may be totally innocent and just looking for a bit of fun.
however, i would confront him and see what is really going on and go to strip joints with him, get drunk with him and rock his brains out during that trip.

[rcoreyus]

I agree that he was wrong not to tell her - and it is quite possible that something is going on. was just commenting that I don't think anyone should spy on their spouse.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree with rcoreyus, the problem is you did snoop, you found an email "which sounds like men being men, I mean they're mates and men talk like that, maybe he's trying to be "the man" and maybe he has no intentions, just informing his single friend"...

So if you didn't know, then you wouldn't now be asking what to do.

Only you know if your relationship is safe... Distance is hard but not impossible and if he hasn't seen you in 5 months, then he also has to get out and about sometimes and enjoy his life as well, as he's on his own all the time, or working.

You need to more importantly work out how you can be together more, as 5 months is too long a time, and obviously it will be longer.

Why are you living apart? Or so far away from each other? Can't you move closer, or to him?

CW