[ronslove37]

Hello everyone.I need some advice on my relationship.I have been in a relationship since November 07.My boyfriend is 44 and i am 27.He was married for 16 years and has 2 kids that are 17 and 22 and i was also in a relationship for 8 years and i have 3 kids who are 7,5 and 2.We were both hurt in our relationships.We met and feel in love.I love this man so very much more than i have ever loved anyone and he is the greatest thing that has happened to me besides my wonderful kids.Well..he has been acting alittle strange so i asked him what was wrong and he sent me an email from work telling me that he doesnt know if he this is something that he wants to do because he doesnt know if he wants to raise kids again.My kids have grown attached to him especially the youngest and it seems like every couple of months he is having these feelings.He keeps saying that he just doesnt know if this is something he wants to do.He has raised his kids and they are grown and he doesnt know if he wants to do it again for another 18 years.I understand in a way but im in love with him and i want and planned on spending the rest of my life with him.He loves me too and cares for me very much.I dont know if i should stay and wait for him to make a decision because it could take 3 6 12 months before he makes up his mind and by that time the kids will be even closer to him and i will love him even more.I am scared i am going to get hurt really bad and that i will never get over him if he decides that this isnt what he wants to do with the rest of his life.But i dont know either because he could decide that this is what he wants.But how long do i have to wait and should i wait for an answer?

[Debra]

I can only imagine the confusion and frustration you must be feeling right now. The waiting game is a hard and vicious play indeed.

The number one concern right now is your children. From their perspective, they need a male role model AND/OR a female role model. Children learn behaviors from the parents in their lives and adapt to that behavior presented. They also pick-up on confusion and frustration shown unknowingly by your actions.

I feel that you need to set a time-table for his decision to be a father to your children. It is for your children's sake and for your own sanity. The time ultimatum is completely up to you as to how long it should be. How long are you willing to stay confused and frustrated over the matter?

Being a mother is hard at times, and having to wait on your loved one to decide whether he wants to father your children complicates things even further. He needs to choose whether he really does love you and your children. You need to address this issue in a calm manner. Choose a time to talk about this during a kid-free date. Have this conversation when both of you are calm and relaxed.

This is only my suggestion and I hope it helped. I'm sure other women will have different suggestions for you. I wish you the best in your relationship with your children and your partner.

[ronslove37]

Thank you so much for your advice.You are the only one that has responded to me and i really appreciate it.I came on this site because i have no family and really no one to talk to.Thanks again!

[Debra]

You're very welcome, ronslove. This site is full of wonderful people who really do care. This site also requires time and patience. A lot of people are busy and have limited time on the internet to respond to posts. Other replies will come just give it more time

Having no friends or family near by does make it tough! I used to live in TX and had NO family and NO friends nearby. You will find that most of the people here (myself included) often have topics governing issues we would not like to address with family or friends. Sometimes a stranger's opinion is worth a thousand in gold

Feel free to drop a line.

[kms]

Sounds like a tough situation, and I'm not sure what advice to offer.

It sounds like the big age difference is a large factor in all this. You bf has already been through the parenting stage and isn't interested in going back to repeat it - there's nothing wrong with that, it's what he feels he is or isn't capable of doing at this point in his life. Likewise, there's nothing wrong with you wanting him to be a father to your children; it's what you and your children need. It seems that you have come to an impasse that may not yield any compromises.

It all kind of reminds me of the episode of Friends when Monica ends up breaking it off with Tom Selleck because she wants kids and he doesn't because he's already done that in his life and is in stage of life where he just doesn't want that anymore. I imagine this must be an issue that comes up often in relationships with big age differences.

So I don't really have any advice, just some commentary I guess. You might ask yourself if you're willing to compromise. Or what is most important to you - a relationship with him, or a relationship with someone who can be a father and a partner? I think the answer to that determines your choice of action.

[Steph33]

It depends on the man and what matters to him. We were both married before and neither of us wants kids. But our age spread is close to yours (33 and 44).

I asked my guy in a hypothetical situation conversation (yours) how he would have reacted if it was me with 3 kids.

He would have wanted me just as much if all the other things we have now were equal. But he was honest enough to say his having spent most of his life alone that it would be "exhausting" for him in some ways. He's the "protect, take care of, provide" somewhat outdated type in some ways. It would take 3 times the mental/emotional/physical output (in his mind) to equally give to a woman and 3 children (ways other than financially).

In my case he would do it, but not in the case of any of his few past lengthy relationships if the parameters were the same. He thinks I could control what matters, such as him not working himself to death as a provider.

His only big fear would be only having 25% of my time directed just at him with 25% for each of the 3 kids. In the life he's had and with what he has now, he wants all of me. He'd never deny children and knows they must come first. But wanting me so much he thinks it would take a lot of female to handle and make happy 4 family members other than herself.

[Hopeless Dork]

My heart goes out to you, love. Unfortunately you are kind of at the mercy of what your boyfriend feels he can handle. Most men over 30 realize that the dating pool of women in the same age bracket is dominated with women with child/ren from previous marriages and relationships.

When you are 21 and dating 21 year olds its likely many of them will be fully single with no attachments in tow. But a lot of women don't stay single til 27, 30 , 45, most get in a relationship and off the market, and if they find themselves single again in those ages, its a good possiblity they may have some kids.

He, being 44, would probably have anticipated meeting and falling in love with a woman who likely also had kids, but since you are so much younger, obviously so are your children. Thats part of what he signed on to dating a woman 17 years younger than himself though.

While his honesty is admirable, its almost cruel. He's put you an impossible situation and left completely at his mercy. Your children are yours, they are here, there is no changing that... to tell you that he'd spend the rest of his life with you if not for your kids possibly, what are you supposed to do with that information? Even if he stays will you now have to constantly wonder if he is resenting your children?

Life is complicated, built in families are scary and difficult for some men - but love has a way of making things work. I don't understand why he would get involved with a 27 year old woman and either 1. expect her to not have small children... or 2. never want them since he has already experienced that part of life and doesnt wish to repeat. Kind of selfish. He would be hard pressed to find a 27 year old woman with no kids or no desire to ever have them, so he should have stayed dating at his own age level if that is how he felt about the situation.

That is neither here nor there, the two of you are in love, your kids have grown attached and now is when he is pulling the I don't know if I can do this again card. He is entitled to it, but better now then after the two of were to to marry.

I hope so much for you that he comes to his senses and realizes that 44 is not an old man, your little ones will keep him young and fill his heart with love and he can do this again... and not only will it be something he's forced to endure like mother in laws fruit cake, but something he will come to feel fully blessed to get to have experienced.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There would be alot of things going through his head, like he loves you, and is happy, he went through so much in his marriage and left that, but may feel he's at the beginning all over again but with someone whom he loves being with, the age of 66 when your 2 year old is 20, you leaving him when he's 50 and your only 33 years of age, lots.

He doesn't want to get hurt again.... He probably is having problems as well in doing this all over again..

He has to determine how much he loves you,

You have to determine, how much he loves your children,

And, you have to talk about all the above issues and estabish the root of the issues, exactly what the fears are and understand those fears and see if they can be worked through..

It's not as simple as he is saying... It's not "just" I am not sure if I can go through this all over again, it has all the above conentations involved as well and it would be good to ask him those questions.

Ultimately, if he doesn't, cannot, show full love to your children, then they will grow up un-loved and hurt as well..

Best you find out now, not when your 2 years old is 10 and has issues of non-love from one partner...

As, much as you may love this man, the man you love, is the man whom is un-conditional in all aspects of your life..and compatibility and you his.

CW

[WildChild]

You've gotten a lot of good insight here and I'll try not to repeat. Even a man with kids the same age range may have reservations about taking on someone else's kids, for that matter so might a woman. Parenting styles differ and a step is a type of parenting role but they aren't the parent. That can be a tough spot to be in.

How involved is your kids father? Is that likely to change? If he is involved and a positive factor in their lives it would make things easier. Then you can have some relaxed downtime when the kids are with him. If not then you need to make time for adult time. In your current situation, living apart, with him uncertain, I would make an effort to back him out of the kids lives, not necessarily breaking the connect that already exsists but reducing contact. Don't encourage the kids to think of him as a 'dad' or a father figure - he isn't. He is Your freind or lover. Let him and the kids see that you are clearly the parent and in charge of that aspect of their lives.

You moved into this relationship with a child still an infant under a year old - that's pretty fast. You need to be able establish a clear parenting pattern on your own without a man. Their daddy isn't in the house and any other man, no matter how caring, still isn't their father. Some men can become a true father to a child not their own but others just aren't able to do it or can only do so up to a point. This man isn't willing to do it, at least under the current circumstances. Your kids come first. In a committed relationship you have to balance between them and him but right now you are dating, you need to move forward with what you and your kids need without him. I'm not saying dump him but get the perspective that the lifelong relationship is with your kids and this man is a side dish. A man you are dating's interaction with your kids should be earned slowly. If you start another relationship later, he shouldn't even see them for the first couple months. You can't include them in your emotional ride, you only introdiuce him into their picture if you think the relationship will be long term and even then with caution. This is a tough balancing point, my ex wasn't very good with my kids and there were warning signs but at that point I was already firmly drawn in and imagined that after marriage we would resolve it as they got to know each other - it didn't work. You have to be pragmatic about this and not get all hyper emotional until you are pretty certain of the man and of how he will interact with your kids. So I guess get to know him first, find out if he may be a fit for you, then carefully start finding out if he is a fit with your kids.

It may be that your progressing without concern for this current man could over time show him that you are in charge of your life and your kids lives and aren't looking for a man to lean on and depend on and that may make him more comfortable with the relationship, or not.

The point is either way, you can't determine his feelings and you have to take care of your self and your kids. Get on with doing it. Let him know that you care and would like to have him in your life but but you are living your own life, with or without him. It's easy for a stranger to coldly give advice that your emotional state rebels against. But remember that because we aren't emotionally involved with your situation we may see it more clearly than you do and some of us have been or are there in some form.