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Is porn cheating?

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  • Is porn cheating?

    A couple of years ago, I let my then boyfriend (now fiance) take nude pictures of me so he would have something to fantasize about when I wasn't around. Now, a year and a half later, I find out he has been masturbating to pictures of girls on the internet. I know a lot of people say giving your fiance nude pictures of yourself is a good way to stop him from fantasizing about other girls, but obviously it didn't work for me. It makes me feel really insecure and upset because he has pictures of me to look at and he still chooses to look at other girls. Is this cheating?

  • You've left a lot of 'grey areas' in your posting, but I'll try to answer in an honest and concerned manner. Have you discussed your feelings about pornography with him? Does he realize he makes you feel bad when he looks at these pictures while masterbating?

    Guys and gals think differently while they are sexually aroused. Guys seem to be more visual and women seem to be more tectile in that manner. He may have had your pictures for a while and wanted to look at something new, i.e. new positions. He may be too embarassed to ask you to take new ones of yourself.

    As far as the cheating issue is concerened: Does he want to BE with those women? I am guessing that he is only looking at them for relief and that's it.

    Emotional cheating involves a person wanting to be with another person. They will 'undress' the other person with their eyes. They would often fantasize about being with the other person. They will even fantasize about leaving their significant other to be with that other person. The list goes on and on. If he is thinking those things, then yes, he is cheating. But, I'm banking on the fact that he may have wanted new pictures of you and felt too silly to ask you for them.

    I'd surprise him with some new pictures and see how that goes. If the problem persists and the new pictures don't solve the problem then I suggest further discussing this issue in a calm and collective manner. The 'blame game' would only make him distant from you.

    If this problem persists further then counseling could be in order. Ultimately, I think the more you talk, the more you begin to understand the other person.
    Debra

    Comment


    • Its easy to feel insecure by your man needing to look at other womens bodies to get off when by himself. How can you not take that personal? If he were to find a box of penis poleroids you kept in your drawer to gaze at different penis' when you masturbate that might make him feel a bit insecure too. So don't let your initial response make you feel like you are being stupid for feeling that way at first, its natural.

      But, after feeling that, you have to realize that there is NOTHING wrong with you, he loves you that is why he is with you. You turn him on just fine or he would have left long ago. Men and porn. Eh, a lot of us women will never fully grasp why they need it so bad, but in truth many men do. Its some kind of crutch for them as they are less likely to be able to build fantasies in their heads the way most women do.

      Most guys have been at the very least glancing at porn since puberty and porn is hard to avoid if you get online, its pretty easy access and harmless , easy to justify thing for them to look at. The first time I realized my boyfriend still looked at porn, I also give him plenty of dirty pics of me and new ones all the time, it made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

      I had to step back and realize that I am good enough and that has nothing to do with me. Its just something many guys look at and some guys I've talked to say they will look at nude pictures, and sports stats at the same time and not even become arroused unless that is their intention. Don't let it bother you. Its easy to say but it really will only bother you as much as you let it.

      If he needs a little variety in visual stimulation, you'd rather it be faceless, nameless anybodies in porn than him fantasizing about your best friend or the neighbor I'd think. We as women tend to get all deep about it and think oh he'd rather have sex with her, he's tired of having sex with me, he wished my butt looked like that girls, while all of that may in fact be possible to some degree... it likely isn't. Guys are just wired differently when it comes to those things and they probably don't think about it that deeply at all.

      A lot of women also feel ' hey i make myself sexually available to him, why does he bother masturbating with porn when he can have me'. Men know sex , the real thing is better, but sometimes they are tired, maybe feeling insecure, maybe just don't feel like going through all the work that sex comes with and having to (if they are considerate men) think about pleasing you and just want to quick release for physical relief and get back to the hockey game.

      Glancing at a few random boobs and pulling one off in the den is not something they are thinking about an hour later, remembering, shaking their heads at how awesome it was and feeling wonderful about. Not at all, but after sex with you I am sure he does. If I were you, I wouldn't make him feel bad about it or even bring it up at all unless he has stopped having sex with you and rather ONLY look at porn and masturbate (that would be an issue warrenting a discussion). Him being a typical guy and looking at the overly accessable porn is really nothing to let yourself feel bad about yourself for.

      Men know those women aren't real, that they are airbrushed and photoshopped to death, that they wont rub their back after a hard day or fall asleep in their arms. So please don't let it effect your self esteem. Not saying you have to be happy about, but if its a dealbreaker for you (porn) a lot of deals will be broken because its a fairly common practice among males with sex drives.
      Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

      Comment


      • It's hard to follow up after Hopeless, she always has very informative and practical replies!

        I'll start off by saying I'm quite the jealous girlfriend, but I don't let it get the best of me. I've realized in myself and others that I know that the jealousy stems from your own insecurities... so that "saying" surely isn't a lie . My current boyfriend and every other male I've dated/known looks at other females. It's natural, nothing you do can stop them from looking. I'm sure you look at males (maybe even females) as well, whether or not you realize it. It's a completely different story if they're "oogling" them with every ounce of their being! And porn, well, it's a completely different subject, IMO. I'm sure he was looking at these things before you. He's a man, and I'm sure if you'd allow him, he'd have sex with you around 5+ times a day. But if you don't (and even if you do), chances are, he wants to pleasure himself as well. It's something he's done a good bit of his life and I'm sure that's something he just enjoys doing. Have you thought about joining him - enjoying porn together? It could spice up your sex life and give something newer and more exciting to your relationship.

        It's something to think about, at least. If all else fails, talk to him about it. Maybe he can help you to understand where he's coming from...

        Comment


        • The porn topic is always a debate. But I see this time it's being divided into "have at least seen or glanced at", "looks for it/owns it,' and "is obsessed." Seems to be a lot of men who start out thinking it's "normal, no big deal" and then end up banging their PC screen more than their partner and that is a major problem. Worse the ones who just want that and don't do anything with a partner.

          To me it's like snorting coke. Some can and walk away. Some like it and look for it. Some like it so much it's what they think about and becomes a focus. The 2nd and 3rd I've seen way to much, especially with couples having kids. And I dealt with the latter type in my own former marriage.

          Most men I’ve dated before I knew did the porn thing on at least a "semi-regular" basis, especially younger ones (and the rest did too but I didn’t see it). My ex-husband to the bad point where he expected me to perform with another female, both of us do him, and various other stuff I hated. Hated watching the real pigish low grade stuff he bought and then wanted us to duplicate what they did.

          But I can't agree with those who say all adult men use porn, need porn, it’s normal, not a harm, etc. Aside from Bible thumpers (no disrespect intended) there are a good number of men who don't mess with it and don't want to in my opinion. And I don’t think it’s “harmless” no matter how you slice it.

          It depends (and effects) on what you think women are for, are not, how you're brought up, how you wish to be treated, and probably other stuff I can't think of instantly off the top of my head.

          My man doesn't need or want porn, or to be around it. I was sick once this year and it had been some days for him without sex. I caught him masturbating at the computer and really freaked out on him. Turned out he was looking at a photo of me in a bikini. I was ****ed at instantly assuming, he was just being what he's said he is and isn't since we met. I won't ever screw the pooch that way again. And he'd already proven himself before so I spent a long, long time apologizing.

          I'm sorry to admit when we first dated I arranged to have him put in situations to see if what he was saying about himself was actually real or a bad line of BS because it wasn't anything I'd heard or been exposed to before. He is like he says and my only big regret so far in our relationship was feeling the need to test him. That I'm taking to my grave without him ever knowing.

          My guy thinks porn is gross because it's degrading and opposite of how his mind thinks you are supposed to treat women. He expects, wrong word, demands, men treat the women his life (mother, sister, platonic friend) within certain parameters and with certain limits or boundries. There is stuff that is not acceptable. Degrading, using, or abuse is not acceptable. Yes, he's almost Spock logical in a lot of his opinions and it gets a little on my nerves sometimes. But in everything regarding himself, he not only knows what he thinks but WHY. He carries the same rules on himself. They may sound like common sense or normal, but thinking like this paragraph isn’t normal, at least in the “world” I grew up in and dated in.

          Are porn chicks artificial pretty in some cases, yes of course he'd admit that. But he won't watch or stay at someone else's place when we visit if it's put on. He just walks out. With or without me. If he got an erection staring at them on purpose he thinks he'd be cheating on me, then he would have to tell me he cheated on me, then he would have to leave me. Trust me, I live with this man and that is what would happen no matter what I said. If you know where temptation is, simply walk away, avoid it, and problem solved (his words).

          My guy isn’t some boring concervative monk in bed. He loves and wants me both romantically and ****ty (I’m multi-faceted, a fraction of why he loves me). Every dirty hot thing I can think of he loves to hear constantly and he’s also a talker. But I have way more natural more variety in my potty mouth than him. But unlike in the porn my ex-husband watched (and wanted to imitate), my guy can not do or say anything he thinks is degrading to me. I’m now with a man who asked me outside the bedroom if it was ok to say “F**K ME” when I was on top of him because when he got to excited he made me stop. He didn’t want me to feel used or degraded if I interpreted it wrong if he yelled that out without asking first, LOL. (God, I love hearing him scream that)

          But at the height of him excited or being just before ready to “blast off,” I never, EVER hear the words c**t, sl*t, bi*ch, wh*re, pig or any of the other obvious degrading titles or words standard in porn. Plenty of the other hot potty mouth between equal lovers, but his brain is wired right (to me) and at the height with loss of all control there is no “off” for him in degrading or using a female, even in the pretend sense. And not using or wanting to use the garbage over-the-line words shows me what he really thinks deep in his head (the one on his shoulders) about women (me).

          Sorry, but any guy who thinks it’s “hot” to treat women as they are in porno and whacks off thinking about it isn’t anyone who I want to build a life with. To me, when it gets down to the base, that’s partly their opinion on women and what they are for.

          Sure my BF occasionally loves to masturbate aside from me doing it for him (he taught me how for him and I’m fully liscensed). And some physical aspects of what men like in porn he wants, but he wants it just from me. One of his 2 never had fantasies when we met was for me to pose in all kinds of positions, both what I wanted to and what he asked me to. While I did it I told him, in my very own best potty mouth, what I wanted to do to him, have him do to me, and a wide range of “can you see” and “do you like” verbal stimulation. He masturbated while I did this and I made him stop or slow down when I knew he was on the home stretch to hold off on his release. By the time I verbally let him actually finish, he was begging me to let him cum for me, literally. Now I enjoy this too at times, often “making” him do it while I model new lingerie, etc. It’s rather hot for the ego to see your man masturbate and cum just from looking at you. Then let him give you oral to finish you both off as a couple.

          Your guy wants porn ?? Give it to him like I do. YOU be his porn star. If he’s into other actresses or wants you in roles you don’t want, relocate your studio or at least close it till he decides what he wants.

          It’s great you loved him enough to give him nude photos of yourself. My guy would go crazy over a portfolio of me nude with my knees in my ears and whatever else I could come up with. Not meaning to be funny, but it’s better for my particular relationship that I do NOT do that for my guy. He works at home half the time and while I’m working he’d have them up on the screen masturbating a bit too often. We’d suffer since he’d be to drained for the real thing before I get home.

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