[Steph33]

No work ethic and a stoner

shouldn't take much to upgrade from that, move out or kick him out

[Little]

Wow Pitty ... it would have broken my heart in two to hear my fiancé say something like "what do you want me to say?" if I was trying to fix things. It must be breaking yours too.
I think postponing the wedding is a great idea, and so is moving out to get some perspective. I don't know if you can fix things. Some relationships are, unfortunately, not fixable, as much as we love the other person and would like to make it work. Why should you work your tail off to fix things when he's not helping? Why should you be working your tail off in both of your lives when he's not moving a muscle? Take a cue from your title, take that BIG step back, and know you have the support of the board even if you don't feel like you have IRL friends.

[rcoreyus]

Hello_pity, I may have written too quickly an not made my position clear. Let me try again:

There are a lot of important things about people in relationships: Affection, Ambition, Beauty, Cleanliness, Courage, Family, Generosity, Hard working, Health, Honesty, Honor, Humor, Intelligence, Lovemaking ability, Neatness, Physical ability, Responsibility, Style, Talent, Wealth. (and a bunch more) I'll add Love as a sort of wrapper around all of those.

No one has all of these to the maximum extent, and in fact you wouldn't want that. These traits are important to different people in different amounts and its not an on / off thing: for example, beauty might not be important to you, but you still might not want to marry someone who's appearance was truly hideous. You might not care if someone could afford a private jet, but not want to live in a cardboard box.

I'm not suggesting that people should keep score - but that they should be aware of what is and is not important to them. You need to be honest with yourself about what sort of life would make you happy. This started talking about money - so you should decide if you are willing to live in poor housing with someone who doesn't work. If so, that doesn't mean you should only marry a billionaire, just that you should marry someone who is likely to hold a job and have a comfortable income.

Its not just money, and in fact money is not the most important thing to most people. Can you tolerate someone who gets angry at you? For some people an occasional argument is fine, for others it would be a terrible strain. Can you deal with someone who is untidy? dirty? lazy? Or, how about someone so driven that they work all the time and have no time for you?

Steph put it simply, but it sounds like correctly: no work ethic and a stoner.

There are people who could love and be happy with a lazy stoner. People happy to also get stoned, take life as it comes, enjoy the moment. You need to decide if that sort of life would make YOU happy. If not, then end it - you would not be doing him any favors by marrying him and then being unhappy.

[hello_pitty]

you would not be doing him any favors by marrying him and then being unhappy.

See this is what I am afraid of. I asked him if this is what he really wants (to get married) and he said yes.

See another thing is he LOVES his job, but its only 7 months out of the year and then he's laid off. Heck if I had a job like that i'd be happy. But we're supposed to be saving for a wedding and he wants to live off his Ei payments. Unfortunently my job is year round and perminant, so I get 1 week out of the year to relax then its back to work like veryone else....

Maybe i'm too spoiled...I mean having money for myself and worked hard for it...I look forward to him working again but still...

Do you think counselling will work? I mean moving out would be last ditch, but I am going to postpone the wedding still.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Everytime something goes wrong in our relationship, he buries his head in the sand and cries or doesn't say ANYTHING! I feel as if anytime I talk to him i'm nagging, ever since he said that to me I feel bad.

Maybe i'm too spoiled...I mean having money for myself and worked hard for it...I look forward to him working again but still...

I would say that you have your shirt together... And, that he lives life by the seat of his pants... He has no idea what "providing or sharing means", he has no idea of what "committment" means nor does he have any idea of what "communication means"..

He smokes dope
He works 7 months of a year
His answers are " I don't know"
"I don't care"
"What ever"
"Quit nagging"
He cries when a hurdle is put in front of him....

He may have a good heart, but he is lazy, he would be happy with you working, you cooking, cleaning, him eating your food, putting on his clean jocks, and living a spasmotic,non-communicative life...

It's like having a child living with you, ......

You are his Mother.... You are trying to make him realise what responsibilities are, he aint getting it, cause he probably has never had to have them.. His Mother looked after him, and to him a woman is a mate, someone who cooks, whilst he mossies on in life....

Councelling? Will it work? No... Because he doesn't want to change, he's happy to be him... He has no passion in life, no drive, no goals, and he takes no risks.

If he did, he would compromise, he would quit drugs, he would work out what jobs he could do 5 months of the year, he would save, he has no passion/drive/goals...........

There is nothing wrong with a man crying, but one whom crys when you try to simply "discuss" problems?

You have your head screwed on the right way, you work hard, you work out ways to make something broken fixed, but you can't fix something that is broken in pieces, only one or two pieces.

CW

[hello_pitty]

But see, He has a problem that I can't fix (obviously) He SAYS its because his band kicked him out over a year ago, it still bothers him....well when is he going to "heal " from it? It's been over a year now and he still won't take a step forward, it's like it "killed" him. I understand what he's going through. My "best friend" of 11 years recently back stabbed me for the last time and I swore never to talk to her again, I don't trust her.

But still I'm not letting it end my life. It's been too long and he doesn't want to deal with it. And it seems like when something goes wrong (like our vehicle breaking down recently) he goes into this depression (he denies it). Now had he been working these few months he could have had the money to fix it! But no, he wants to live off his little $400 bi weekly checks and my income

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well you've been with him for more than a year yes?

And, I know if you ask yourself seriously, you will be able to answer that he was smoking dope before that, he was a musician not earning much money, before that, and that, he answered " what ever" when important issues came up, before that.

Sure, his ego got bruised, sure, he is depressed, but your too strong a person, with ambitions and dreams, reverse it, if this had happened to you? You'd get up and say stuff you, and you'd get on with life wouldn't you.

CW

[TWills32]

I couldn't deal with that laziness, to be honest. Especially the smoking dope part. . .no way. First off, the dope smoking needs to stop if you want him to find a real job. Most jobs now do drug testing, so he won't find anything decent unless he's clean. Plus, how is he affording this marijuana if he's unemployed? He's spending your money on drugs? I wouldn't tolerate it.

Postpone that wedding for sure. Don't commit to anything you're unsure of. He needs a stable job before you get married, because trust me, if I could go back in time, I would have waited to get married myself. I don't regret who I married, I married a wonderful man, but I regret not having money in savings first. Building up a good savings is a great idea before getting married. Making sure you both have secure jobs with a healthy income is a necessity.

You need to do something about his behavior before you get married. It'll be much easier to deal with now, then it would be if you were married. Live alone for a while if you want. Tell him to try and find a place to live, pay bills, buy food, and such with his unemployment checks or whatever he's receiving. He won't be able to, and maybe that will be the wake up call he needs to straighten things out.

Good luck to you, I hope things work out!

[hello_pitty]

Well you've been with him for more than a year yes?

And, I know if you ask yourself seriously, you will be able to answer that he was smoking dope before that, he was a musician not earning much money, before that, and that, he answered " what ever" when important issues came up, before that.

Sure, his ego got bruised, sure, he is depressed, but your too strong a person, with ambitions and dreams, reverse it, if this had happened to you? You'd get up and say stuff you, and you'd get on with life wouldn't you.

CW

Sadly everything you said is true I've been with him for 3 years and he usually worked, but now it just stresses me out that he has this attitude suddenly.

First off, the dope smoking needs to stop if you want him to find a real job. Most jobs now do drug testing, so he won't find anything decent unless he's clean. Plus, how is he affording this marijuana if he's unemployed? He's spending your money on drugs? I wouldn't tolerate it.

No he doesn't smoke anymore that I know of. See this is my problem, I don't trust that he isn't even though he tells me "I'm not" but how am I supposed to know, I work nights! He admitted once that he smoked behind my back the day before Valentines day...he said he was upset because he couldn't get me anything..HELLO I don't need stuff to make me happy! He said he was trying to write me a song but couldn't and he got so upset he had a "blast" with his sister (who smokes ALOT) He usually gets his pot from freinds or family....how convienient eh?

See alot of his family smokes pot, his friends do and I feel I am being selfish by making him quit, because he can't go around his friends without them offering. But I quit smoking cigarettes 3 years ago for HIM because he didn't like the smell of it (he doesn't smoke cigs) and I have maybe smoked a cig 4 times in 3 years but those times were when we were going though issues nearly breaking up.

It's so weird though...WE had the perfect "romeo and juliet" love for each other (and still do) but our differences and goals are starting to show now and I am quite confused!!!!

[Little]

Romeo and Juliet contributed greatly to each others' demise in the end. They make for a bad point of comparison.
Is pot legal where you live? If I recall correctly, you don't live in the US.
It's all about YOUR perceptions. Only you can know when you've had enough. Sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away from the person you love for YOUR own good. You'll find the balance; you're a smart and strong woman.