[Etsy]

Hi

I'm new to all this but I could really use some help and advice! My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for almost 3. Our sex life started off well but then it went down to about once every two weeks. Then less and less and less now we are about twice in 3 months! We are in our 30's and I just dont understand why. I have spoken to him until i'm blue in the face but there are only so many times I can do that. My pride is down the drain along with my self esteem. He says things like I'm stressed, I'm tired, he wants me to initiate it. I am pretty shy so find that pretty tough. Then when I finally did he didnt want to!! for me its not about the actual act but about our closeness, knowing he does find me attractive and still wants me. This is really upsetting me and I know that that just makes things worse, I just don't know what to do.... If there is any advice out there I would really appreciate it. Thanks so much

[WildChild]

Sigh, been there. In some still am - again. Men just don't seem realize that for a woman who is on the shy side, to try to initiate sex and get turned down makes it all the more difficult for the future. It is a kind of manipulative behavior, a control game. If he has no interest or intention of responding positively, why encourage you to try? This seems to be a fairly common pattern. Men complain about women who don't initiate sex but then don't want one who does.

Find a neutral time and have a talk. Tell him you need more sex and how you feell when he turns you down. One of the men on here said (think it was Rcoreyus) that the one with the lower drive controls the sexual relationship. It really is true, but I think that a lot men only want it when there is some resistance. In other words what they say they want and what they actually want aren't the same. If they have to initiate and the woman often isn't interested it gives them something to resent and complain about and they actually want that. Give them a woman who wants it as much as they do (or claim to) and they run for the hills! LOL.

[rcoreyus]

Wildchild - that is an interesting (and dangerous) line of thought. If one partner only wants sex when the other doesn't (or pretends to be reluctant), they can be in all sorts of trouble. I'm not saying you are wrong, just that it is a scary thought. I suppose the reverse is true as well - some people only want sex if they are pressured by their partner. Aarrrgghh!

To the original poster, it mostly likely has nothing to do with you - he just isn't interested. Some people aren't - and it leads to problems in the relationship.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I believe that communication within a marriage or relationship for that matter is highly important. If you communicate and it's stress, then you know where you stand at that point in time, but if it is a continuation and then you initiate and are told, " I'm not in the mood", after being asked to do so, then maybe that's just a cop out.

I remember years ago, I spend an hour ( haha) getting all dressed up, stockings and all, hair, etc and walked out the room, to be told the same... Kind of destroyed it from there i think... like what the?

People can say that once the "honeymoon" stage is over, that's it. But, I don't believe that at all... Is he affectionate at all? Was he? Does he simply walk past and touch you on the shoulder and smile?

Sit down with him and ask him what is stressing him out so much, finances? work? And, talk....

Tell him that telling you " I'm not in the mood, instead of making an effort, when you initiated it is NOT ON"... And, let him know exactly how that made you feel...

If he is non-shallot over both comments and doesn't communicate back then you have to see the bigger picture of what type of relationship you may be in - in the now and in the future...

It could purely be that he's happy to have a wife, cooking, cleaning and being other than that, the rest is a chore... And, that's not a healthy relationship to be in at all.

CW

[Etsy]

Thanks for the replies, I know that I should be talking to him about this and I have I just don't think I can bring myself to do it again!! I know I need to though.
To answer the question, he is affectionate, not crazy affectionate but a bit...
I did say to him before that I would be more confident to initate things once our relationship was a bit more "normal" but I just don't know where to go from here.
I guess I will just have to try again...

[WildChild]

Oh yeah Rcoreyus, it is a mess isn't it! LOL. We need a better system

[sourpuss]

Have you tried initiating just being close with no expectations on one another for sex? That might help. Give him a back rub and snuggle before bed. It seems that the less sex you have the less you want it. (as least for a lot of people) So if he is tired, stressed and not wanting any then you're going to have to make the moves to bring more sexual activity into your life.

In what ways is he affectionate? Try building on those instances. If you kiss him goodbye in the morning for work, make it just a bit longer kiss and a more passionate hug. Same in the evening when you see each other again.

[rcoreyus]

Well the standard "romantic" idea is so stupid - just watch any standard romance. Two people who have never met before, are supposed to fall in love, and discover (after a terrible misunderstanding is cleared up) that they are completely compatible in every way. "She was a kick-boxing champion, he was a Wall Street banker - but they found true love". We are supposed to wait until marrriage for sex - and then are surprised when our partners are what we wanted in bed. At that point we are never allowed to leave, or to find someone else for sex - that is "cheating" which for some reason is considered a terrible thing to do.

Oh yeah Rcoreyus, it is a mess isn't it! LOL. We need a better system

[WildChild]

Yes. it's a strange thought pattern isn't it?

[Etsy]

I like that idea, will try make more of an effort been affectionate and with no pressure it will make me feel better I just need to get out of my head that its me! I take things way too personally but in a case like this its tough not to.... Think i need to stop watching chickflicks