[tj123]

hi

am sorry if this is a bit of a long post but i am sooooo confused as to what to do.

abit of history: i have 2 children and 2 step children that live with us part time. over the past 6 months i have been trying to talk to my husband and telling him that things arent right between us. i cant "talk" to him as he doesnt like it if i get upset so the only way to communicate with him is via email. (i feel really sad saying that but its true) i have sent him two boquets of flowers and told him that i am really bothered about our relationship and think that things arent right between us and have sent him loads of emails telling him how bad i feel but to no avail.

on valentines day things came to a head, he sent me a card with a verse that said hope we can stay so in love forever. i was a absolute mess emotionally and mentally. i said how can you send this when i have been telling you for months that things arent right. and when was the last time you told me you loved me. its been at least 6 months or more, he isnt very good at showing his feelings which i know.

i sat him down and told him that things are so bad between us i was thinking of leaving him. he was hardly talking to me, hadnt told me he loved me or showed me any sort of affection for so long. our sex life is pretty non existent unless i started anything and to be honest i hardly was doing as i felt so unloved and unwanted.

he said he had been "punishing " me because he didnt feel that i wanted his children here. if they are watching tv i go out the room but this is because i dont like the same programmes as they sometimes watch. hes feels that this means i dont want them. i will admit it is hardwork having them here. on the school days they are here i have to pick them up and then look after them until he comes home. four children are hard especially when two of them arent yours.

i went to see a counsellor last week because one day i am ok and think yes maybe we can work it out, the next day all i do is cry and feel so stressed

i really really dont know what to do. do i stay and give him a chance to prove that he can change, or do i leave and start again. we have been married for 4 years.

i had got a house all sorted out to rent, then at the last minute i bottled out. i have been single before and know how hard it is, but i also realise that isnt reason enough to stay.

i am going to see the counsellor again on wed but if anyone has any ideas or tips i would really appreciate them

thanks

tj123

[Hopeless Dork]

It really does sound like a hurtful situation. As for the Valentines Card, maybe it was meant more wishful and hopefully than a direct respresentation of your current situation.

You are leaps and bounds above most people having the same issue of their S.O backing off emotionally because he has at least given you the reason he FEELS is causing him to behave that way. That is a true start to fixing the problem. It may not be the only thing causing him to disconnect, but its the one he is conscious of so that will be the primary one you need to address.

Taking care of a house full of kids is no easy task, and it sounds like you are seperating his children from you in an emotional sense. The way you stated watch his kids til he gets home sort of implies to the reader that you don't yet think of them as your own children. If he really thinks that you have not accepted his kids after all this time its got to be hard for him, if you did end up leaving this relationship the next person you are with and love - how would you want them to think of your children? As burdens? Would that not impact the way you felt about the guy?

I am not trying to make you feel bad or think you have to have a brady bunch scenerio when they are over, I don't know their ages or how they treat you, if he makes sure they are respectful to you etc.

You have to find a way to get your needs met from him, his affection and the I love you's that he has a hard time saying he has to learn what you need to feel secure and loved and be able to get over this inability to express his feelings - for your sake. But you will have to be willing to help meet his needs as well and right now it seems like what he is asking for is a little more signs of your taking an interest in his children.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You really are saying that his kids are his ... He is right there you've actually stated that in your post... And, with that non-togetherness, and the hurt of knowing that you don't see them as yours as well, ( when in marriage what is his is yours), then it's going to cause alot of rifts.

You need to understand that bit.

Then the words may come out more than you expect but also understand guys have feelings just like us, but they don't share their thoughts in the manner that we do, and express.

CW

[tj123]

reading back what i have put i admit it does sound "his" kids are "his"

i guess with everything that has gone on lately thats how it feels.

when we moved in together i put him and the boys first (i have two girls aged 15 and 12 now) (he has two boys 12 and 11 now) we moved into his house and i wanted them to share a room so that they had their own allocated space, because he didnt want this they all bed hopped for a year while we had a extension put on. when the boys were here they splept in their rooms and the girls on a sofa bed in the play room, when the boys werent here the girls slept in the boys beds. his ex father in law used to pick the boys up from school and bring them here, this started to get on my nerves and i told my hb this, to save any arguing or confrontation though i was the one who stopped coming home and used to go to my friends and family yet it was my house.

the last two years i have ask in the summer holidays and we dont have any kids for a week (they all go to respective other parents) could just me and him have some time for us and we go away. this has never happend as there was always one excuse or another. this year he has already told his ex that he cant have the boys for a week in the summer as we are going away, there were no repercussions on her part so why couldnt he have told her this before.

i dont feel we are a family at all, we never do anything together. it always feels that if i suggest doing something with girls when the boys arent here then the boys are missing out, but they arent they do things when they are at their mums. trying to get over the point that the girls need to do stuff also is soooooooooo hard. they tell my friends that he doesnt talk to them so i know that it gets to them at times just the same as it does me.

we never have couple time, ok i appreciate alot of families dont. but if the couple in the family arent right then the rest of it isnt.

the confusing part i guess now is that it has taken all of this for him to start trying and now i dont know what i want.

my counsellor told me that because i havent had any love/affection/feed back from him for so long, now that he has started showing me it i dont know how to react and cant handle it. what i am scared of most of all is how can you say you love some one and want to be with them , then "punish" them (which he admitted) because he didnt feel i wanted the boys around when that wasnt the case at all. I do a 50 min round trip twice a week to go pick them up from school. mainly because if i didnt then he wouldnt be able to have them as much. they arent here for my benefit or to see me the same as the girls arent here for his, they are mainly here to see their dad.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Can I ask how long you have been married?

It seems to me that he did not accept your daughters at the inset, or now, he may have trouble in combining the whole family thing, let alone how to be married and the importance of together time.

It also seems that he has realised problems and is trying.

I suspect you have discussed over and over to no avail, hense councelling does he go with you?

CW

[tj123]

hi

we have been together for nearly 5 years, and have been married for 4 years


no he doesnt go to counselling with me. i requested to go see someone through work as its mainly me who is having difficulty coping with the situation at the moment.

[tj123]

ps.


i dont feel he accepted the girls at all in the marriage and realised that we are now a combined family. i look after and treated the boys on a equal to the girls but dont feel that this was the case with him. i think that he still felt the time the boys were there still had to be "kept the same" . i could sort of understand this if they only came once a fortnight but they are there one week on a monday and tuesday and go back wednesday morning. the following week they come on a saturday morning and stay right through until wednesday morning

[mymirrose]

I am in somewhat of the same situation, my SO lives up here with me, his kids live in another state with thier mother. My SO rarely interacts with my daughter and never wants to do things with us. I asked him why and he says "he feels like he is robbing his kids when he enjoys doing something with my daughter". When we are with his kids, I treat them all the same, we have fun and do things together, but then when we get home, my daughter asks why we don't do things as a family like we do when his kids are with us. I also don't get the affection and the "I love you's", so I understand that feeling too. When I bring it up, I get atold "you know I love you or I wouldn't be here". I am just about ready to give up, for me and my daughters sake.

[tj123]

mymirrose

i so understand how you feel and knowing that someone else is in the situation makes it easier, i just thought it was me and i was expecting too much from a marriage.

i went to see my counsellor today, she said that maybe i should go see the doctor and go on antidepressents for a short time. she said make sure you tell him they are for anxiety and depression. as one minute i am ok and the next i am floods of tears and she can tell i am really stressed out. i am going to ring tomorrow and see what he says. i dont want anything that will become addictive but i dont feel i can cope with anything at the minute. my house is a tip theres loads of ironing and i know i have "given up" on myself. i started a exercise class last week and really enjoyed it, its time that is just for me. i told the counsellor that sometimes i just have to get out the house, even if its just to wander round asda for an hour like i did last week, sometimes everything seems too much. i dont like feeling like this and normally i dont but at the minute i dont have any self control over anything

i read a article yesterday about low self esteem and how it can ruin a marriage. i so related to this. i told my h/b to read it, he said you but always seem a confident person and are outgoing and yes he does know i have low self esteem and i arent at all confident. i said why would i be when for months you hardly speak, acknowledge i am there and all the things i put in my first post.



good luck mymirrose

[mymirrose]

But knowing how we do feel, don't you think we should expect some effort from our SO, if someone, even just a friend, had this problem, we would put an effort into helping them.
Good luck to you also.